Monthly Archives: July 2015

Inside Out Confidence

Don't Miss Out

Get The Big Picture

It’s easy to miss the forest for the trees.

Even that statement is used so often that it can be easy to misunderstand it.

People tend to focus on little details (the trees) so they don’t have to address the big picture (the forest).

Often times, when there’s some big task at hand, we easily get caught up in the little things to avoid facing it.

Like if you need to do your taxes, you might spend a couple hours clearing up your desk. That’s easier, emotionally, than doing all the uncomfortable financial calculations.

It’s been said that one of the reasons Victorian England was so “Victorian,” meaning so focused on sexual behavior and etiquette is because they didn’t want to address a larger issue of their crumbling empire.

We humans don’t like big confrontations, so we avoid them whenever possible. These can come across as lies we tell ourselves.

I won’t try to create a relationship until I lose ten pounds. I don’t want to look for a job until I finish this project. I don’t want to have that conversation with my partner until I’ve cleaned out the garage. And on and on.

One of the ways we do this is when we focus on our external behavior, when we should be focusing on our internal state.

For example, if you’ve ever given a speech, you may have been told to, “maintain eye contact,” or “don’t memorize,” or “don’t shift your body weight back and forth,” or “use gestures when you speak.”

These are all good advice, but guess what?

Somebody who had a strong internal state would do these things naturally, without even thinking about it.

To be sure, you can “fake it till you make it.” Meaning if you started to pretend to be confident and self assured, you’d eventually become confident and self assured.

But that’s kind of a roundabout, and emotionally unpleasant way of doing it.

Why not start from the inside?

After all, those reasons for discomfort are based on what you “perceive” to be “out there,” now what’s really out there.

One way is to simply FORCE your brain to recall feelings of confidence, before and WHILE you’re speaking (in this particular example) instead of letting it run all over the place, like most people do.

Another way is to practice meditation. Strengthen your ability to quiet your mind at will, so you can more easily turn off those doubts and worries, and be much more centered.

Then you’ll open whole new range of behavior and energy most people never experience.

Easy Mind Shift For Elegant Persuasion

There's A Whole World Out There

Get Out Of Your Head

Few skills are more important than communication.

Mark Twain was fond of saying that there was no difference between somebody who can’t read, and somebody who doesn’t read.

Similarly, it doesn’t matter how many great ideas and insights you have, if you can’t get them out so that people will hear them, there’s really no difference between somebody who doesn’t have ANY ideas.

Speaking up is one thing most people have a hard time with, let alone speaking up eloquently and passionately.

All you need to do is listen to a few best man speeches to see that!

One of most people’s biggest fears is public speaking, for this very reason. Being on the spot, in the center of attention is cause for massive anxiety in most of us.

This is that invisible barrier that stops almost everybody from sharing their brilliance with the world.

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression that, “Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration,” right?

Well, plenty of that “perspiration” is getting your ideas out of your brain and into the brains of those who can make a difference.

If communicating openly, congruently, and confidently isn’t something that comes easy to you, you aren’t alone.

Most people have a few half baked ideas, which come out sounding even less than half baked.

Those that get heard are the ones make it obvious that they believe in their own ideas. They don’t speak them timidly or half-heartedly.

One of the surest ways to get your ideas heard is to present them so they are framed in the interests of the person you are speaking with, or the group you are speaking to.

This is precisely why the best salespeople ALWAYS elicit criteria BEFORE they start their pitch. If they just spit out a bunch of random features and benefits, they may get lucky, they may not.

But when they tailor their communication so that it makes the most sense to the listener, that’s when ideas and desires cross from one brain into another.

The easiest way to do this is to slightly shift your thinking from talking about you, to finding out about them.

Since most people are running around blasting their own ideas regardless of who they’re talking to, you’ll come across like a tall glass of ice water in the desert.

And the more you find out about them, the more you get them talking about things they care about, the less work you’ve got to do.

You’ll find that most of the time, you won’t have to do ANY work at all. After you get them fired up, anything you say will seem like the greatest idea ever.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

The Power Of Slow And Steady Movements

Not So Fast Jack!

Not So Fast!

Stability is an often valuable trait.

A stable job is much better than one that may end any time. A stable relationship is preferred to one where everybody’s cheating on everybody. A stable economy is preferred to one that has booms and busts every few years.

Even if chemistry and physics they talk of stable systems in positive terms.

On the other hand, flexibility is often a desired trait. Being able to roll with the punches, change with the times, or respond quickly to market forces is the sign of a healthy individual.

It’s also good to know when to be stable, and when to be flexible.

Long, long ago, there were a bunch of horse and buggy companies. Then the car was invented. They chose stability, and quickly vanished from existence.

Coke chose flexibility over stability when they conjured up “new coke” and it almost ruined them.

Not so easy to choose which is best, even for some of the biggest and most established companies.

One area when it’s generally better to be stable, rather than flexible, is in your mannerisms and movements.

I once saw a movie about old England, and one of the characters was Walter Raleigh, the guy who discovered tobacco and brought it back to England. He was supposed to be this ultra-bold, ultra-confident explorer upon whom the Queen depended in times of crisis.

Only there was this one scene where he was on this ship, and somebody behind him (A romantic interest) called his name. He whipped his head around so fast, he suddenly looked like a schoolboy responding to the call of his crush.

Suddenly, he no longer seemed like a bold explorer. For me at least, that one quick movement ruined it.

I don’t know if that’s what the director was going for, but I don’t think so, as it seemed wholly incongruent with the rest of the character’s actions.

This is what happens when you are in a social setting, and your eyes are darting around, head turning right and left, like some jackrabbit on crack desperate for attention.

On the other hand, those that are ultra charismatic and confident have a very slow, very steady gaze. Very measured movements. Even there speech is slow and conscious. Not ultra conscious like a politician, but slow enough so they don’t spit out the first thing that pops into their brain.

They use their words and actions like a well honed tool, to get a consciously chosen outcome, which is generally an increase in the happiness of those around them.

They enjoy themselves, they enjoy their environment, and they enjoy whomever they happen to be talking to.

If you’re interested in becoming more charismatic, check this out:

How To Eliminate Social Friction

Slip On Down Into Their Minds

Slippery Skills

When I was a kid we went to this small amusement park.

It had these long slides that required piece of cloth.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t slide very fast, and if you were wearing shorts and caught your skin on the plastic, it didn’t feel so good.

If you’ve ever been on a big water slide, you know much faster you can go when much of the friction (between you and the slide) is removed.

When I was in Junior High School, they talked about a frictionless puck (which was quickly transformed into bathroom humor by all the kids), because talking about friction made everything more complicated.

Air hockey is so much fun because you can hit that puck pretty fast, due to the small cushion of air it’s resting on.

In Japan, they have the mag-lev trains, which can go really, really quickly as there’s no friction between the train and the track. And the front of the “bullet trains” actually look like bullets, as they are designed for minimum air resistance.

Friction is everywhere. And billions are spent trying to minimize it. In games, in amusement parks, in transportation, inside every single engine.

Humans have friction between each other as well. (And I’m not talking about THAT kind of friction that only happens when the clothes come off!)

There’s that social friction that is ALWAYS there. That uncomfortable tension, the small gaps in conversations that seem to last forever. That invisible but powerful force field between you and your boss, or you and that attractive person across the room.

How do you reduce THAT kind of friction?

One way is how you start the conversation. Start off by making it easy on them. Use simple statements that are easy to agree with. Pacing statements, as they are called in hypnosis.

Just mention a few things that MUST be true. Get them thinking in terms of “uh-huh, uh-huh…”

Ease your way into the conversation, making it easy for them to see your perspective.

Spend some time building rapport.

Another way is to simply get rid of all your inner fears and anxieties. No matter how well you hide them (and hide from them) they are there.

And they send off a subtle signal that others can pick up on, subconsciously.

This is why some people seem really friendly, and some people don’t, yet nobody can really put there finger on why.

When you eliminate all that inner chit chat and doubt that often comes up before any social interaction, you’ll also remove a lot of that friction.

This is the definition of charisma. Somebody who just shows up, and the work is done.

People already feel in rapport with them. People have already decided they are friendly and interesting.

People have already decided, on a deep subconscious level, that whatever they are going to say is likely going to be pretty interesting.

YOU can be that person.

Ditch Your Hidden Fears

Clear Your Head

Delete Brain Spam

Most people have a few hidden secrets.

None of them are true, but they are things about ourselves are hope that nobody finds out.

This is why a friendly conversation can sometimes turn adversarial, when one or both parties feels like the other person is getting close to that “secret” part of us.

This can sometimes come across as feeling on some level that we are “faking it” or that we are somehow an imposter and people knew the truth they’d kick us out.

This is one of the main reasons behind self-sabotage. Whenever you start becoming successful, you start to feel like you’re “playing above your skill level.” Maybe you start making some money, start losing weight, or start doing social things you didn’t do before.

But part of you is terrified of being found out. Of people looking at you and saying something like, “What are YOU doing here? You don’t belong!”

This is common, no matter who you are, or what you’ve accomplished.

Paradoxically, for many ultra-successful people, the more successful they become, the worse this fear gets. It’s as if they are always running away from an invisible demon always right behind them. 

Of course, this is just a mental construct. Everybody has a hard time understanding themselves, let alone being able to look into your soul with x-ray vision.

Which is why when you accept others, you will be like a super hero.

When you radiate an aura that says, “I like you, and I accept you JUST the way you are,” people will be drawn to you like bees to honey.

Of course, in order to first accept others, you’ve got to completely accept yourself.

Some daily quiet time inside your mind is PERFECT for this. Just sit and accept yourself. Appreciate yourself. All of yourself. The good parts AND the “bad” parts.

When you get pretty good at this, you can do this little exercise when you’re out among others. As you appreciate yourself, appreciate others as well. 

This simple exercise can open up a whole new world of possibilities, one you may have never seen before.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

How To Be More In The Moment

How To Be More In The Now

How To Appreciate Now

When I was a kid I went to a baseball game with my dad.

We went with a friend of his, who had some pretty good season tickets.

I didn’t know this guy much, don’t think I ever met him before the game, but he LOVED baseball.

Right before the game started, he seemed REALLY happy. He said, “There’s nowhere else on Earth I’d rather be the right here!”

For everybody we’ve all got out “best places” and “not so best places.”

And few of us are rarely in a position to say we wouldn’t want to be anywhere but right where we are.

Naturally, there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, we’ve all got different needs, desires, skills, abilities, backgrounds etc. We’re all only partially through our lives. And most of the time we’re doing things not because we really, really want to, but because of what we’ll get in exchange.

Few people are madly in love with their jobs, for example, but they stick around because they get paid. Sounds harsh, but most people who claim their in it for other reasons would leave in a hurry if their paycheck was cut in half!

This is the human condition. Do what you need to get what you want.

That’s why being able to shift into the “right here, right now” mindset is incredibly powerful.

If you’re talking to somebody that’s not 100% on board with what’s going on, you can feel it.

It’s like dragging your kids to the dentist or something.

When you’re hanging out with a group of very close friends, in an environment you all thoroughly enjoy, that’s when we really feel alive. That’s when that “right here, right now” feeling takes full control of our minds and spirits.

Most people think they need to find the right group of people, or the right situation for that feeling to appear.

In reality, it CAN happen the other way around. Meaning you CAN generate that “right here, right now” feeling in many more places than you can imagine.

Like when you’re talking to strangers, or people you don’t really well. Like when you’re talking to interesting people for the first time. Like when you’re presenting an idea to your boss or coworkers.

When they sense that “right here, right now” feeling from you, it will necessarily amplify whatever you’re talking 

A lot.

The Talking Dog And The Pause

Not These Paws!

How To Build Up Interest

Here’s a cool “trick” you can use the next time you’re in a conversation.

It’s used to build “response potential,” which is that feeling other people get when you’re talking, and they focus more and more on what you’re saying.

This is great if you’re giving a presentation, or telling a story, and you want to make sure you keep people’s interest throughout the whole story.

(or if all your friends have ADD, lol)

Anyhow, it’s where you put the pauses when you speak. Most people put them where they’d put a period.

I was walking down the street (pause).

Then I saw this dog (pause).

The dog looked at me and said he was hungry (pause).

The “trick” is to take away the pauses from where the normally go, and put them in the middle of the sentence.

I was walking down the (pause) street and I saw this (pause) dog and he looked at me and (pause) said he was hungry.

When you get to the pauses, you can sort of look around at the people you’re talking to, if you’re talking to a group.

The reason this works is the human brain HATES unfinished business. All TV shows, waiters, writers, all use this to get effect. 

So even if your story is pretty lame (really? A talking dog?) if you put in the pauses, people almost be FORCED to pay attention.

Especially when you DON’T leave them any pauses (room in their brain to process what you’re saying) when you get to the “punch line.”

Most people, when they get to the “punch line” they stop and look around at everybody like they’re waiting for applause or something.

But if you not only put pauses where people don’t expect them, and DON’T put pauses where most people do, people will sense something VERY different about you.

They’ll wonder why, since even though you were talking about some ridiculous talking dog story (or whatever) there’s just SOMETHING about you that keeps you in their minds.

Now, imagine if you combined this with some stories that were interesting on their own!

Of course, this is just small piece of the charisma puzzle.

Body language, belief about yourself, how you look at people, how you use your gestures, all play a part.

But when they’re working together, YOU will be unforgettable.

How To Develop A Magnetic Gaze

Develop An Incredibly Seductive Gaze

Magical Eye Contact

What exactly is a magnetic gaze?

It’s one of those things you know when you see it. You know when you feel it. Sometimes even before you see it.

First of all, what’s the “magnetic” part? Clearly, this means it’s attractive. Something you want to move towards. Something that grabs your attention, in a good way, so you don’t want to think about anything else.

Second, the gaze part. A gaze is different than a stare. Different than a glance. Different than a look. Different than an intense focus.

A gaze is relaxed, taking in everything. Open peripheral vision, taking in everything, but kind of looking at the center. Like if you’re standing up close to a HUGE but gorgeous painting. In order to see the whole thing, you’d need to stand back a few meters.

But if you’re only a couple feet away, you can gaze at the center, while taking in the outer edges with your peripheral vision.

When somebody looks at you with a magnetic gaze, they are projecting quite a few things at once.

One is they are only slightly looking at you. They are interested in you, but you’re clearly not the most important person in the world, otherwise it would be an intense stare.

Like a starving dog looking a bowl of puppy chow.

They’re also very, very relaxed. Which means they aren’t concerned in the least if you “gaze” back at them, or even stare.

They’re basically saying, “I enjoy looking at you. Whether or not you appreciate that isn’t really important, but it could be. Also, I’m not really concerned with what other people think of me standing here enjoying looking at you.”

This takes confidence. This takes inner control. This takes some practice.

Not practice DOING anything, but practice NOT doing certain things.

Like listening to those self doubts. Like worrying about what other people think about you. Like making your own self confidence and self worth dependent on their response to your appreciation of them.

How can you practice?

One way is to simple go out and “people watch.” Find somebody that you find interesting, for whatever reason. Then just relax your eyes, put them at the center of your gaze, and enjoy what you see.

At first, you may start to worry what will happen if they “catch you.” See how long you can dismiss that worry.

If they do, “catch you,” simply smile, and keep gazing. Then just slowly shift your eyes somewhere else.

Make a game out of it. See how long you can “hold it,” even after they see you. 

The magic comes when they see you gazing, you smile, and keep gazing, and they smile, and gaze right back.

Slow Movements Of Confidence

Slow Motion

Lead With Body Language

A lot of things can be reverse engineered.

For many human qualities, form follows function, and function follows form.

Meaning if you feel confident on the inside, you’ll act confident on the outside.

But if you’re not confident on the inside, you can “prime the pump” by pretending to be confident on the outside.

Fake it till you make it, as they say.

You can change your mood quickly, when sad or depressed, but standing up, rolling your shoulders around, puffing out your chest, and putting on a HUGE smile. You’ll feel pretty goofy at first, but it works.

Especially if you’re walking around other people. Once people start smiling back at you, you’ll turn any negative emotions around, driven by the positive feedback loop.

Sometimes, when you’re not sure what somebody means, you can take a good guess by simply copying their movement, facial expression, and body language. Like you see somebody doing some “weird” body language or facial gesture, you can “try it on” to see what kind of internal emotions it creates.

This why often times it’s good to say things that are true, or you’d like to be true, with your feet on the floor, and open body language.

You can try this yourself, and see the difference. Take something you’d like to happen, like a medium term goal.

Sit in a chair with your legs crossed, feet off the floor, head tilted, and arms crossed. They say your goal.

Now sit with your back straight, feet flat on the floor, palms open on your lap, facing up. Your face squarely ahead, eyes solid, looking in the mirror if you can. NOW say your goal.

It will feel completely different.

This is one of the ways you can tell that somebody’s ultra confident as soon as they walk in a room. They’re eyes aren’t darting around. Their head isn’t spinning at the smallest evidence of interest from others. They aren’t nervously tapping their feet or moving their hands around.

They’re just moving very slowly. Head slowly gazing about, eyes relaxed and open, taking in the whole scene. A slight smile on their face that shows they’re thinking, “Hmmm, I wonder what kind of cool people I’ll meet here?”

And when they see somebody they think is interesting, they don’t circle them wondering how to approach or anything like that. They just look at them and smile and let them know, allowing the other person time to gather themselves before they walk over.

While they do, people are all thinking the same thing:

“Who IS that?”

THAT, can be YOU:

The Easiest And Most Powerful Language

Open Up Their Fantasies

Expand Their Dreams

One of the most under-appreciated set of language patterns from NLP is the Meta Model.

On the one hand, there’s the Milton Model, which is the basis of all covert hypnosis. People LOVE the idea of being able to slip ideas into other people’s minds, either for sales or seduction, or just for fun.

It’s certainly the topic of many movies and interesting YouTube videos. Some super skilled hypnotist who walks up to people, spits out a bunch of wizardry, and then gets the person to accept plain paper for money, or speak Martian, or something else equally funny.

The idea of hypnosis in general is some person passively sitting there, while the other guy does all the talking. The guy doing the talking is so skilled they can weave wonderful stories and deeply layered metaphors to work wonders on the target’s brain.

For guys, just the idea of being able to do this when they are talking to girls is the greatest invention ever. One many guys are willing to spend TONS of time and effort learning.

And guess what? If you DO take the time to learn these patterns, practice them, perfect them, they ARE very, very powerful.

But they are not NEARLY as powerful as the often overlooked Meta Model.


Because used correctly, the Meta Model is based on bringing out the good stuff that’s ALREADY INSIDE other people.

Not only that, but it’s waaaaaaay easier to learn and use.

All you gotta remember is those questions from journalism. What, where, who, when, why, how, which. And maybe a word like “specifically,” or “exactly.”

Now for some reason, when most people learn the Meta Model, they kind of go overboard. They’re like little kids with a new toy, and want to use it anywhere and everywhere.

Which is pretty easy, because us humans tend to speak in VERY vague language. So here comes some goof who’s just learned the Meta Model, and they are asking all kinds of detailed questions to get more specific details from the person they are talking to.

Only problem is they come across like an interrogation. Nobody likes being put on the spot!

But it just takes a little thoughtfulness to use the Meta Model without making everybody angry.

Only use it when people are talking about things they WANT to talk about. Pay close attention to their body language, facial expressions, and voice tone. If they are keen on getting more specific about something, trust me, you’ll know.

How will you know? It will feel like they’ve been looking for YOU their whole life, and they literally CAN’T STOP talking about whatever they are talking about.

This is the TRUE POWER of charisma. Not using all kinds of language patterns to get YOUR IDEAS into their mind, it’s about getting their ideas out of their mind.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator