Category Archives: Communication Skills

The Infinite Loop

The Exchange Model of Communication

There’s a pretty interesting procedure in NLP called “Integration of Parts.”

Basically it’s a hallucination where you create a “dialogue” between two “parts.”

Like if “part of you” wants to get out and meet people, but another “part of you” wants to stay home and watch TV.

You bring them both out, and literally talk to them (and hear their responses) as if you were having a negotiation between two physical entities.

The idea is to keep “going up the logical level” of each of their “desires” (going out and staying in) until they both realize they want the same thing.

Then you can work on coming up with a better strategy to get that need met, rather than having inner conflict.

The reason it works is if you take any “criteria” for why we want to do something, and you’ll end up with a hard to describe “feeling” that can be equated pretty easily with any other hard to describe “feeling.”

Like you buy a car because you want to get to point A to point B. But you buy a certain car for certain reasons (safety, looking cool, feeling good, etc).

Good salespeople know to respectfully find these “higher order criteria” so that they more easily fulfill them.

If you want car that has a 350 cc engine and gets 22 MPG, that’s going to be harder to satisfy than a car that makes you “feel safe.”

When talking to people for personal reasons (e.g. not selling them anything). The same strategies apply.

You don’t exactly walk up to a stranger and ask them what they’re looking for in a new acquaintance.

But knowing those criteria are ALWAYS there will help a lot.

Whenever people are meeting each other socially, we all have pretty much the same criteria.

We want our ideas to be heard and respected. We want our wants, needs, and fears validated.

We don’t want to be told our ideas are silly or foolish.

We’d all rather talk about things we want, rather than we don’t want.

Looking at social interactions as negotiations is a bit strange.

But if you keep it on the down low, and always give them something before you expect something back, you’ll have a lot more success.

AND you’ll find that talking to people is a lot easier, when you’re using the “give first” mindset.

You’ll be remembered more, and you’ll be thought of in a much better light.

Doesn’t matter if you’re making friends, looking for lovers, finding new business contacts, or just passing the time.

See every conversation as some kind of “exchange,” and give before you get.

You can learn how, and a lot more here:

Interpersonal Resonance

Eliminate Social Anxiety

Eliminate Social Anxiety

One of the ideas from NLP is something called “meta programs.”

These are these semi-rigid filters we all have in place through which we see the world.

For example, one of them is how we are motivated. On one end of the spectrum are people who are motivated externally. Other people. Praise, validation, etc. On the other end of the spectrum are the people who are motivated internally.

They don’t really care what others think or do. They only do something if it “feels” right to them.

Of course, most of us are a mix of both. Few people are completely one or the other.

Another “meta program” filter is “sameness or difference.” When you look into an unfamiliar situation, do you automatically find things that are the same as what you are used to, or different?

Again, most of us are a mix of both.

And while these do operate largely unconsciously, you can bring them up to the conscious level.

For example, when meeting new people, some of us automatically feel nervous, shy, anxious. So we see others as somehow “better” than us. Otherwise it would be impossible for them to “reject” us if we approached them to start a conversation.

One thing that can help is to consciously look at them, before you approach, through the filter of “sameness” rather than “difference.”

Meaning force your monkey brain to think of all the ways you two are similar, rather than different.

If you were walking up to somebody that was TOTALLY the same as you, rejection wouldn’t even come up.

The more you can practice this, the more the fear of rejection will vanish.

Another powerful way to do this is to imagine all of your similar “fears.”

Since ALL HUMANS have a HUGE collection of irrational fears, this is pretty easy.

And since most of our fears are similar, it won’t be much of a stretch.

EVERYBODY doesn’t like to be put on the spot. EVERYBDOY fears rejection. EVERYBODY has deep fears of social exclusion.

Just take a few minutes to think of “that person” (whoever they are, boss, lover, friend, business partner) as having the SAME FEARS that you do, and hold THAT in mind when you think about talking to them.

You don’t even have to approach them. You can do this sitting at the mall watching people walk by.

Just choose people you’d LIKE to approach, but would otherwise be too nervous to.

And then do this exercise. Imagine them being terrified of public speaking, or getting left behind, or anything.

This is one of DOZENS of exercises in the Interpersonal Resonance book.

Do them daily and you’ll be a social magnet in no time.

Get Started:

Interpersonal Resonance

Avoid The Kill Shot

Expand Their Desires

I used to play a lot of racquetball a few years ago.

There as a gym that had a “challenge court” with a glass back wall.

You’d write your name on a list, and play whoever won the current game.

The most I ever won in one night was three games in a row. Meaning I beat the next two guys that had “next.”

One particular game (that I lost) was memorable. I was very young, in my early twenties.

The guy I was playing was older, in his sixties. And he absolutely killed me.

I would run all over the place, and try to make a “kill shot” with pretty much every shot.

But he took his time, and used “placement” as his weapon. He would pretty much stay in the center of the court, and hit the ball so it would bounce all over the place, and end up EXACTLY where he wanted.

I would run around chasing them like a dumb jackrabbit on meth.

I was only thinking ONE SHOT ahead (kill shot), while he was content to just keep rallying until I eventually couldn’t catch up.

I did score a couple points, but in the end, it wasn’t even close. At the end, he summed it up nicely:

“Youth and speed vs. experience and patience.”

Many people try to speak conversationally like I tried playing. Slam the other person with witty remarks, genius openers, and reframes that ostensibly show how awesome they are. Or think they are.

If you’ve ever been overwhelmed by a high-pressure salesperson, you know what I mean.

They don’t pause even for a second to find out what’s important, or what you want, or what you’re even interested in. They just slam you over and over with “kill shot” statements about themselves, their product or their services.

On the other hand, if the “patient” approach, it works a lot better.

Hold back on the conversational “kill shots.”

Ask them what’s important. Ask them what kinds of things they’re interested in, and NOT interested in.

Find out about what they’d like to be doing in the future. A week, a year, ten years.

All without mentioning your ideas or your products AT ALL.

Just relax, and let them come to you, in their own way, in their own time.

When they do, it will be THEIR IDEA. Not yours.

Which means they’ll be very little (if any) resistance.

Doesn’t matter if you’re making friends, looking for business partners, or talking to strangers while waiting in line at the supermarket.

This will open them up, so they see YOU through THEIR desires.

Making YOU seem much more DESIERABLE than anybody else they’ve ever met.

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

Develop Deep Connections

Develop Deep Connections

If you’ve even watched “romantic” movies, or movies that have a romantic theme to them, there’s a common thread.

And that is two people meet each other, and they “get” each other.

They feel that nobody understands them like their new partner does.

People use the same term to talk about non-Hollywood style movies.

They say that people who don’t appreciate them don’t “get” them.

It reminds me of those 3-D pictures. Where you have to look at them in a special way to “get” them.

If you “get” them, you see the hidden picture. If you don’t “get” them, then it’s a bunch of fuzzy noise.

If you tell a joke, and somebody doesn’t laugh, they don’t “get” it.

What does it mean when two people meet, and they really “get” each other?

Do they share common backgrounds? Common beliefs? Common goals? Or is it something deeper, something more profound?

One way to enhance this is by talking about things other than what they call “fluff talk.”

Talking about the weather, politics, sports, who’s hot on social media, doesn’t really let you know if you “get” somebody or not.

What does?

This is what happens when you go “meta.” When you talk about experiences, in the abstract. When you talk about the structure of your own desires.

For example, say you learned how to play a song on the guitar. You practiced over and over, and wanted to show off to your friends.

Then when you finally played, they didn’t act like it was a big deal. So you felt a little let down.

You can share that experience with somebody, so they “get” you, without them having to have played any instrument.

Just find some situation where they did the same thing, from a structural standpoint.

Find some experience where they wanted to share something with their friends, that they thought was pretty cool, but ended up being a little under-whelming.

So even though the two of you have two “different” experiences, (content wise) they are the same, structure wise.

When you can find similar structures, you can significantly increase the chances you’ll “get” each other.

And when they think about you, they’ll feel that YOU are somebody that KNOWS them on a deep level, and they’ll feel they know YOU on a deep level.

Doesn’t matter if you’re making friends, looking for dates, or trying to get a foot in the door in a job interview.

By looking for overlapping STRUCTURES rather than content, you’ll connect on a much deeper level.

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

Charisma Explosion

Explode Your Charisma

One of the rules of “polite language” is to never put anybody on the spot.

This is the reason we use the second conditional when making polite requests.

In case you forgot grammar school, the “second conditional” is an “if-then” form of a question that uses the past tense, and “would,” as it only speaks to hypothetical situations.

Like, “If I saw a UFO, I would take a picture,” meaning that it’s not likely, but if it DID happen, I’d take a picture.

When we talk about things that are likely, we use the first conditional. Present tense and “will.”

If it rains, I will get wet.

The reason we use hypothetical language when asking polite questions, is because it puts it off into “pretend land.”

For example, if I wanted to ask a coworker to open the window, I could say it not politely, “will you open the window?” or politely, “Would you open the window?”

If it’s in the “will” form, it feels a lot more “on the spot.”

When starting conversations with strangers, it’s important to start off with simple statements and questions that also don’t make them feel “on the spot.”

An easy way to do this is with “pacing statements.” Say something about the environment that is verifiably true. Something that they have to agree with. Something that’s easy to agree with.

The main purpose of any ice breaker is to ease into a conversation. Not to show off how clever you are or to impress them with your wit.

Once you get them talking, and used to you, you can then begin to peel back the onion layers and ask more penetrating questions.

Questions that will get them excited to talk to you. Questions that will get them thinking in terms of their ideal future.

Start off easy, go slowly and within ten or twenty minutes they’ll be sharing with you their biggest dreams and goals and visions.

Not only that, but they’ll also be seeing YOU through that filter you’ll be helping them create.

Of course, this does take practice, but if you start practicing today, pretty soon you’ll be a social super star, making everybody feel fantastic whenever you’re around.

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

How To Match Their Wavelength

Get On Their Wavelength

A lot of scientific principles are intuitive.

Not that we know the equations and underlying theory, but as operational humans, we “get” how things work.

Like throwing a baseball, for example.

Physics tells us that the optimum angle is 45 degrees if we want to get the maximum distance.

But kids know this intuitively, by trial and error.

Another one is the idea of resonance.

All systems have a certain “frequency” about which they normally vibrate.

And if you “behave” in this same “frequency” you’ll get the most bang for your buck.

Like little kids on swings. They learn quickly to swing their legs at the same frequency as the swing, and they get some pretty high amplitudes.

Sometimes this is not appropriately understood, with horrible results.

A group of solders were marching across a bridge, in cadence, and their marching cadence was the same frequency as the bridge. And it collapsed.

When you’re having a conversation with somebody, getting “in tune” with them feels fantastic. Like you are on the same page, or even the same “wavelength.”

Most people think that this happens randomly. Haphazardly. Talk to enough people, and a small enough percentage will have that “in synch” feeling.

Of course, if you approach others with this mindset, it WILL be a numbers game.

Meaning if you go up and blurt out a bunch of stuff, and hope it “works.”

But if you do the opposite, you’ll have a much HIGHER chance of creating that feeling of resonance.

Instead of blurting out a bunch of stuff, you ask them some questions. Easy to answer questions. Simple questions. Then slowly expand.

Once you get enough information, about what makes them tick, then the “stuff” that you “blurt out” will be much more “in tune” with them.

And you’ll be able to create that feeling of resonance with almost anybody.

What would you be able to do then?

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

Powerful Communication Skills

Increase Your People Skills

The other night I watched “Castaway” on Netflix.

It had been a while since I’d seen it.

Partly a study of how a normal guy keeps from going nuts all alone.

If you haven’t seen it, he gets stuck on an island, and forms a relationship with a volleyball.

Then when he builds a raft to escape, he brings the volleyball (Wilson) with him. But then it gets swept out to sea, and the hero breaks down.

Even though it’s “just” a volleyball, it was his best friend the past few years.

The worst thing they do to prisoners is put them in solitary confinement. Separate from other prisoners. Nobody to talk to.

Clearly, one absolutely VITAL ingredient for human happiness, WHATEVER plans you’ve got for your life, is other people.

Business relationships, personal relationships, family relationships, romantic relationships.

We humans are pretty pathetic on our own. But if we get hooked in with the right crowd of people and there’s no stopping us.

This is the meaning behind Napoleon Hill’s “Mastermind Group.”

A grew of experts, diverse backgrounds, to collectively come up with a genius idea to solve the problems at hand.

To the extent that you can easily build relationships with anybody, anywhere, any time, you’ll be able to accomplish ANYTHING.

To the extent that you are inhibited, due to erroneous beliefs, internal limitations, or even social anxiety, you’ll be held back from living to your fullest.

Luckily, getting “better” at people-skills is pretty simple.

All humans are hard wired to be social super stars. It’s in our DNA. We are social animals.

So it’s not really a matter of learning “how,” it’s more a matter of unlearning all those false beliefs you may have picked up along the way.

What’s even better is as soon as you start working on those false beliefs, you’ll notice that EVERYBODY has the same ones, to an extent.

Everybody is afraid of rejection. Everybody feels nervous when they are suddenly the center of attention.

So when you come to others with the experience of OVERCOMING those common limiting beliefs, they’ll notice something about you.

They’ll feel “better” when you’re around. Happier. More enthusiastic about life in general.

If you’re just out to have a good time, you’ll have a better time.

If you’re looking to make friends, you’ll make good friends.

If you’re looking to start a business relationship, you’ll be on your way.

Tons of exercises, practice routines, and journaling techniques, this guide will show you how.

Learn More:

Interpersonal Resonance

Fear Of Being Left Behind?

Unexpected Ego Problems

Some of the best techniques have been around for a while.

A long, long while. Thousands of years.

Reason being, of course, is that they work. Especially anything that has anything to do with other people.

Because people are the same as they were thousands of years ago, it makes sense that the same “people strategies” have been used over and over.

Sure, somebody might come along and give things new and fancy names, but the strategies and structures are still intact.

Not only do the same structures work, but the same obstacles exist.

People are afraid of rejection today just like they were thousands of years ago.

People are terrified of being “left behind” just like they were thousands of years ago.

Being recognized for your accomplishments by your peers feels pretty good, as it did thousands of years ago.

One of the simplest means of influence is that you can get anybody to do anything, so long as they are doing it for THEIR reasons.

However, there is an unexpected problem that pops up when you learn to do this.

And that is your ego won’t like it.

How’s that?

All of us CRAVE recognition. Validation. To be noticed for our genius ideas.

So when we carefully construct a message to influence others, and they take our advice, it’s as if they thought up the idea on their own.

This is GREAT, until you realize something.

They won’t look at you and say, “Wow, that’s a fantastic idea! Thanks for suggesting it!”

You’ll just be talking to them, they’ll start nodding, and THEY’LL get the idea as if THEY thought of it.

In fact, they might not even remember the specific “content” of the conversation.

They’ll just remember talking to you, and then getting this AWESOME idea.

That it was your idea all along won’t even register.

Now, some people don’t have a problem with this. They LIKE the idea of being a covert persuader, helping people make decisions that they feel really good about.

But others tend to feel a little underwhelmed. After all, it feels good when somebody genuinely thanks you for something you did.

But if you CAN get over that pesky desire of your ego, you can create magic.

Talk to people in the right way, get them thinking of a big, bright future, you’re on your way.

What would YOU like people to do?

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

Elicit Their Inner Hero

Elicit Their Inner Hero

There are a lot of TV shows that are searches for talent.

One story we all seem to love is some unknown goof, just like you and me, who has some crazy skill.

They go on one of those talent search shows, belt out some opera song, and wow everybody.

And they go from zero to hero overnight.

Why are these stories so compelling?

Consider the stereotypical “hero’s journey.” Another situation where a normal goof suddenly is called to a great mission, and becomes the hero. Again, zero to hero.

Why are these so compelling?

Because all of us, deep inside, KNOW we are capable of achieving much more than we have. Doing much more than we’ve done.

And when we watch those TV shows or movies, we imagine it’s us that is the hero. It’s us that’s in that situation where we are being discovered or being pulled toward a hero’s journey.

If you could choose your own hero’s journey, what would it be?

Which demons would you slay? Which kingdoms would you save?

If you were to be discovered for one “talent” that would wow everybody, which talent would you choose?

Sometimes its tough to know what to do. Especially when we’ve got jobs that suck, bosses that suck worse, and just barely enough money to cover the rent every month.

If we could only make that one “Breakthrough” everything would be different, right?

Maybe, maybe not.

Consider that dream you have as your motivating engine. To keep going forward, no mater what.

To crush every obstacle in front of you. To get closer and closer to the defining creation of your life.

In reality, most people that are “discovered” have actually been practicing a certain skill for a long, long time.

What do you practice every day?

Which skills are you making better every day?

One of the most important skills is communication.

If you can effectively communicate your ideas to others, so they’ll not only be heard, but acted upon, you’ll do far better than most.

And the first step is to seek the dreams and desires of others FIRST, before presenting your own.

That way, instead of them helping you, it will be a team effort. A much stronger and longer lasting relationship. Be it a business partnership or a romantic relationship.

First expand THEIR hopes and dreams, to get them excited.

Then show them how YOURS and THEIRS overlap.

Then they’ll be no stopping you.

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

Are You Pushing People Away?

Get Them To Do Anything

When I was a kid I learned this neat trick.

You take a bunch of salt and pepper and put it in a shallow pan of water, so it floats on the top.

Then you dip your finger in soap, and stick it in the center.

All the pepper magically goes to the outside of the pan.

I’m sure you know a lot of people that are like that.

Usually a boss or somebody of authority.

Sometimes it’s one of the “those” bosses that thinks everybody likes him or her.

But they are only nice because they are the boss.

So if you were to ever see them about in public, you’d quickly hide your face so they didn’t see you.

In truth, a lot of us are like that to a lot of people.

Like it or not, most of us just rub people the wrong way.

Of course, we don’t see it like that.

We see them as the problem.

Obviously, we are perfect. There’s NOTHING wrong with us.

So when people don’t go along with our ideas, or don’t laugh at our jokes, they must have some kind of mental problem, right?

The funny thing is that EVERYBODY (no matter how crazy their ideas are) can find people who agree with them.

But if you are going to ONLY look for people who ALREADY agree with you, you’re going to be limiting yourself to a very small slice of the population.

Wouldn’t it be better to simply find a better METHOD of getting people to agree with you? So you wouldn’t be forced to sort through so many people?

Luckily, there is.

All you’ve got to do is amplify THEIR criteria first.

The secret of human nature is EVERYBODY always has a huge collection of unmet needs and wants.

If you start talking about YOUR wants and needs first, you’re hoping to get lucky.

But if you start talking about THEIR wants and needs first, you’ll be doing something completely different.

By talking about their wants, and expanding on them, they’ll start to see YOU through THEIR lens of unique desires.

So before you even talk about what you want, you’ve already made it much easier on them.

This is what advertisers have been doing since it was invented.

Taking a product and framing it in the best possible way.

Well, the BEST possible to frame ANYTHING is through somebody’s OWN DESIRES.

And when they start to look at YOU through THEIR desires, they’ll be eager to agree with pretty much anything.

(Yes, ANYTHING!)

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance