Monthly Archives: July 2015

Secrets Of Magnetic Behavior

The Give and Get Model

There’s a metaphor about heaven and hell that I like.

As it goes, in both heaven and hell there’s both plenty of people, and plenty of food.

And in both heaven and hell, the food comes in these bowls.

In both places, the people have to eat with these really, really long spoons.

The ONLY difference is what goes on in the minds of the inhabitants.

Everything else is EXACTLY the same.

In hell, nobody trusts anybody, so everybody tries to get by solely on their own. But since the spoons are too long to use, everybody’s always starving, lonely, and miserable.

But in heaven, people work together. They trust each other. They are willing to take risks. They know that you can get whatever you want, so long as you help others get what THEY want FIRST.

So they first take their long spoon, scoop out some food in some other person’s bowl, and feed them. They don’t know if they’ll reciprocate. They don’t worry that the person might take advantage of them. They don’t worry that everybody might think their an idiot for being so gullible.

And guess what?

This selfless behavior INSPIRES others. That other person that got fed by a stranger CAN’T wait to return the favor. They look around for somebody in need, so they can help.

Pretty soon, everybody is eagerly helping others, sharing, creating relationships, making friends.

Everybody’s happy. Everybody’s full. Nobody’s left behind.

Meanwhile, back in hell, everybody’s still starving, angry, alone, and worried that somebody is going to come and steal their food (that they can’t eat anyway).

This is the secret of charisma and personal magnetism.

Forget about talking about yourself and your own desires. Forget about your own shortcomings (real or imagined). Forget about all the constant approval seeking.

Go first. See somebody who could use a friend. Go and talk to them. Ask them about what they want. Find out what’s special and unique about them.

Spend your time focusing on and helping others.

Be an inspiration.

Do this, and others will be EAGER to help you get what you want, whatever it is.

What’s more, since all of us humans are MUCH MORE similar than we are different, there’s a really good chance what YOU want shares a lot with what THEY want.

And that overlap is the source of all partnerships, friendships, and romances.

Get Started:

Charisma Generator

The Social Snowball Effect

Get Out Of Your Head

One of the nicest things you can do for anybody is to simply pay attention to them.

Most of us have all kinds of thoughts, ideas, dreams, that NEVER leave our brains.

Maybe once in a while, we’ll spit out a quick piece of evidence. Maybe we’re afraid people will laugh at us, maybe we’re afraid somebody will tell us our ideas our foolish.

But the truth is, when we are bold enough to speak just a small bit of our true selves, it feels REALLY good when somebody not only listens without laughing, but is genuinely interested in what we’ve got to say.

In order to be the one doing the listening, you’ve got to be careful. Many of us have a subconscious desire to “be right” or “be in charge.” Social status is something that we all crave, and recent studies from Harvard have shown that wanting increased social status is something that underpins pretty much every conversation we have with somebody.

So it can be very, very difficult to put your own opinions, desires and beliefs aside and really listen.

This is one those times when you’ve got to be your higher self. To ignore those lower-self instincts, and live fully consciously.

Because when you do, it’s pretty amazing.

AND it’s incredibly easy.

The simplest way to really listen is to simply PAY ATTENTION to the words and phrases they use, and HOW they use them.

Then, when describing what they’ve just described, instead of “paraphrasing” them, like some folks teach, use the EXACT same words, in the EXACT same way they did.

Now, this sounds like you’ll come across as fake and manipulative, and you will if you’re not being sincere.

But if you repeat their words and phrases while fully trying to imagine whatever they were imagining when they said it, the results are flabbergasting.

Not only will they light up like a Christmas tree, but they’ll NEVER forget you.

They’ll see you as somebody who really gets them. Somebody who really understands them.

Obviously, this can be easily misused, especially if you’re in sales.

But if you’re just having fun in a social setting, and talking about things they’d like to do in the future, it’s really cool.

A side benefit is that while you’re talking to this person, and they are clearly VERY interested in you, everybody else is going to notice.

And everybody else will notice everybody else noticing. It’s like a snowball effect.

If you do this with just a couple people, you’ll soon develop a subconscious reputation in their minds for being truly charismatic and magnetic.

All by getting out of your own way, and simply listening to others.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

Look For Treasure In Others

Avoid The Lonely Trap

Many people don’t think they are assertive enough.

To be sure, speaking up on your own behalf, or those around you, is a good skill to have.

And just like learning any skill, especially a skill that is based on how you interact with others, you’re going to expand your comfort zone.

And for many, this means getting some unexpected blowback from others.

For example, many of your friends like you because of the way you are now. Then you come along and start speaking up more for your wants, needs, and desires, and suddenly you don’t seem like that nice, passive guy or gal they used to know.

I’ve heard from a few assertiveness trainers that often times, “assertiveness training” is synonymous with “loneliness training.”

It’s also a common idea that if you always need to be “right” you won’t win any friends. In fact, in Dale Carnegie’s famous book, being “right” all the time is the surest way to destroy friendships and alienate people.

This is a common and unexpected outcome when people learn and begin to play around with the “meta-model.”

The meta model is a set of language patterns that are designed to get more specific information whenever people are speaking in vague language.

For example, if I said, “I had chicken for dinner last night,” you could use the meta model to find out what kind of chicken, how did I eat it, who did I eat it with, how long did I take to eat it, how was it cooked, and on and on.

Now, you can imagine if I was just saying that conversationally, grilling me about my chicken dinner (see what I did there?) wouldn’t likely make me more interested in you. It would likely have the opposite effect.

However, the meta model (finding out more specific information by asking why, when, how, etc.) can be a FANTASTIC tool when getting the person talking about the thing they REALLY want to talk about.

For example, think of your biggest life’s dream, right now. This is not something you generally walk up and start talking about.

But if it comes up conversationally, and somebody seems genuinely interested in YOUR DREAM, and they start asking meta model questions, based on their interest, it will generally feel pretty good.

Of course, if their interest was totally fake, you’d think they were warming you up for some kind of MLM pitch.

But if it was genuine, and they really liked the fact that you had a dream, and wanted to find out more, chances are you’d feel pretty good talking to them.

As you can probably guess, YOU can be that person who’s extremely interesting to talk to. Simply get out of your own head, forget about proving how right you are, and simply look for the treasure in others.

Do this, and they’ll never forget you.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

Make Them Love You

Secrets Of Automatic Charisma

According to Dale Carnegie, the original guru of social skills, everybody’s always listening to their favorite radio station.

WII-FM

Or, “What’s In It For Me?”

Now, this isn’t bad, or negative or a slam on human nature. If humans DIDN’T always concern themselves for what was important to us, we’d never get anything.

Even on a subconscious level, whenever we consider taking action, there’s part of us that’s hoping to improve ourselves.

Now, a lot of people have problems with this. But even when we’re doing charity work, selflessly serving others, we are STILL doing it for OUR own reasons, even if they are spiritual.

And even if those reasons are only known by us, even subconsciously, they are STILL our reasons.

However, humans are ALSO highly social creatures. We also know on a deep level that one of the BEST ways to get what we want is to participate in a group so that EVERYBODY’S interests kind of overlap.

It’s a lot more fun when everybody’s getting their needs met. When it’s win-win instead of win-lose.

Unfortunately, a lot of people are too afraid to participate like that. They’re so worried about getting the short end of the stick that they make sure they stick it others before they get stuck.

But if you’re brave, you can find plenty of people that have enough overlap. Otherwise society wouldn’t be possible.

The way most people go about doing this they talk about what’s important to them, but in a friendly and outgoing way.

It’s like they’re tossing their own interests out there, and hoping somebody will share them.

This works pretty well. In fact, you may say this kind of behavior is hard wired into us.

However, there is a better way.

And that is to simply START OFF by finding out what’s important to other people FIRST.

Keep asking them about their interests, their desires, their goals.

Get them fired up. If you do that, a funny thing will start to happen.

They’ll start to SEE YOU through the lens of their desires and interests.

Meaning before they even know anything about you, they’ll have a deep appreciation and attraction for you.

Which means if then start talking about what’s important to you, they’ll almost certainly help you get it.

This is what charisma and personal magnetism REALLY is.

It’s being interested enough in others so that NO MATTER what you start talking about next, THEY will be interested in you. Not only that, but they’ll be willing to help you get it, simply because how you make them feel on a deep level.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

Powerful Presence And Pure Focus

Here and Now

One powerful ingredient for charisma is presence.

Being fully present in the moment, especially if you’re speaking with somebody.

Meaning you’re not thinking about what happened five minutes ago, or what you think might happen five minutes later.

But what’s happening right here, right now.

Now, if you only did this, you’d have something most people don’t.

Since most people’s brains are bouncing all over the place, several times a second, you’d have a congruence that few people ever experience, let alone have themselves.

If you were in sales, for example, and you could talk about your product and ONLY focus on the words coming out of your own mouth devoid of any worries of the past or worries of the future, you’d be pretty mesmerizing.

However, that’s just the start.

If you can do the above AND only talk about what’s important to the person you are speaking with, then they’ll literally do ANYTHING to keep you around.

Buy your product, agree with your ideas, follow you home, ANYTHING.

(Of course, you should NEVER abuse such power!)

Not only do most people have thoughts bouncing all over the universe, but they are also generally talking about THEIR own worries, fears, needs, wants, etc. AND they are usually gunning for some kind of approval or validation.

Which is why this double whammy, presence and focus, is SO powerful.

However, it can be hard to practice.

Here’s one way. Try this a few times a day if you can. Get somewhere quiet, and sit and close your eyes.

Then find a feeling you’re currently feeling. ANY feeling is fine.

Just feel the pure, now, feeling. Take off the label of the feeling. Feel it as pure NOW energy.

Feel it as strongly as you can, in the here and now. If you can, describe it in your mind, as if it were a real object. Shape, color, texture, size, etc.

Then simply APPRECIATE that feeling, EXACTLY as it is.

This only takes a couple minutes, and you can literally do it anywhere. At red lights, in the elevator, even while somebody else is talking.

Of course, there are plenty other components of charisma, but this simple exercise will take you a long, long way.

If you want to learn more, check this out:

Charisma Generator

Make People Happy To Be Around You

Express Yourself!

Why are little kids so cute?

One reason is they are totally innocent. When they express themselves, they have no ulterior motive, like many adults.

They also don’t have a lot of fears, like many adults. We grown-ups tend to get an impulse to say something, but then we imagine all kinds of horrible things that might happen, so we back pedal a bit, in our minds.

Then we say something that’s less than 100% congruent.

Kids, on the other hand, are pure congruence. They’re not like, “Part of me wants to run over and see what that red shiny thing is, but another part is still kind of tired out from this morning.”

They see something they want, and go after it.

I used to know this guy in college. Always smiling, always making people laugh. Always making some lighthearted joke about any particular situation. Never putting anybody else down, except when it was perfectly clear it was a good-natured joke.

Always with over the top facial expressions and gestures.

And ALWAYS surrounded by girls.

This guy was the total opposite of the typical “player” type you see on TV or in the movies.

This was a guy you just enjoyed being around. If there was a party, and you knew this guy was going to be there, you wanted to go.

This is what happens when you carry that child like congruence into adulthood.

You have that congruence, but also the responsibility of being an adult.

You don’t censor yourself because you’re afraid how people will respond, you only censor yourself because you honestly don’t like saying mean things about other people.

But the funny thing is once you spend just a little bit of time expressing yourself like this, all those negatives ideas in your mind about others tends to vanish.

Since whenever you show up, people are always so happy to see you, you suddenly think of everybody in at their best.

It’s like you project this bubble out around that everybody is happy to be in.

Of course, this isn’t magic. You still need to think and act and plan ahead, and be careful how you use your energy and resources.

But it sure makes life a lot more fun.

If you’d like to be more charismatic, check this out:

Charisma Generator

Blast Open Your Light

Obstacles Are Necessary

Few things are ever a straight line.

I used to go backpacking with a buddy of mine.

When you’re backpacking, you are a few days away from any kind of civilization, on foot at least.

This makes for some REALLY nice undisturbed scenery. But sometimes you’ve got to hike over some HUGE mountains to get there.

For every three or four miles through a gorgeous meadow with all kinds of flowers, lazy rivers, etc, you’ve got hoof it up some pretty steep hills.

The worst are switchbacks. The hill is too steep to walk straight up, so you’ve got to go on these really LONG back and forth trails that slowly go up to the top.

Usually to a pass, which is in between two high mountain peaks.

Some of these look REALLY intimidating from a couple miles out.

I remember one in particular. We were walking on a relatively flat surface, but it was clear that we’d be going up soon.

Couple miles ahead of us was this HUGE mountain range. And I couldn’t see ANY way over it.

But the closer we’d got, the more I started to see a brief outline of a very thin trail criss-crossing up the face.

And sure enough, when we started going up, it wasn’t that bad.

Now, had I not had any experiencing hiking up switchbacks, I could have easily looked at that seemingly insurmountable mountain range and thought, “No. Way.”

And turned around.

Luckily, PLENTY of people had gone before. Not only was their a trail (obviously) but we had a guidebook that explained exactly what to expect.

If we were some kind of settlers or immigrants, we may have given up.

A lot of things can seem IMPOSSIBLE when we first look at them. Especially when we’ve never done anything like it before.

Most of the time there’s no trail, and we don’t any guidebook telling us what to expect.

Well, that’s not really true.

The secret of all human development, creativity and inventions is the same, from a structural standpoint.

Keep trying things until you find out what works. Then do more of that.

So long as you go slow, and measure ALL your feedback, you simply CAN NOT fail.

(Unlike when you’re hiking, and making a mistake can send you off a cliff!)

The truth is that ALL HUMANS come pre-programmed to move forward into uncertainty.

Even something as simple a reaching for a light switch in the dark. You have a clear goal, and you take action.

Sure, you don’t hit the switch the first time, but you keep fumbling around until you do.

Now, it may seem like a stretch, but if you can turn on a light in the dark, you can do anything.

Really.

Get Started:

Mind Persuasion

How To Ignore Those Pesky Doubts

How Did I Get Here?

It’s easy to get confused.

I mean, really, really, what-the-heck-is-going-on confused.

Unless you have very clear goals of what you want, it’s very easy to run around in circles.

Sometimes you may be running in circles so long you forgot why you even started.

All of us have some very vague, yet incredibly strong desires.

Food, money, companionship, safety, social acceptance and recognition.

Which means it’s pretty easy to go chasing something because we THINK it’s going to get us one of those things, but we haven’t really thought it through.

And we get halfway through (whatever it is) and we start to rewrite our original intention.

Maybe we sort of thought we were going to get one thing, but we ended up getting an experience instead.

So we tell ourselves things like, “Well, at least I know better.”

It’s both incredibly simple and potentially very difficult to get what we want out of life.

It’s simple in that all you’ve got to is clearly define what it is you want, and take some kind of action.

If you get closer, do more of what you just did. If you didn’t get closer, or you got something else, do something different.

This requires we first set a very clear, and very solid goal of what we want. Without this, it’s VERY easy to get sidetracked.

Imagine what would have happened to some of the great inventors of all time if all they wanted was to make something “cool” that would get them some money and social recognition.

The only reason they kept going forward, despite all the obstacles that the world threw up in their path, was that they had a very clear idea of what they wanted.

Not only that, but they also had a VERY STRONG belief that it would happen. Not a hope, not a wish, not a “one of these days” kind of vague idea that most of us have.

That’s really the only difference between greatness and mediocrity.

Maybe most of us are too afraid to set goals. After all, what if we fail? What if people find out what we want and tell us we’re fools for trying?

Well, guess what? All those men and women throughout history that invented great products, medicine, methods of travel, all the things today we take for granted, they had those doubts too.

But they simply ignored them. They focused on their dreams, rather their fears. They turned their dreams into goals and plans they KNEW they’d achieve.

What about your dreams?

If you are bold enough to turn your dreams into a plan, you WILL achieve it.

These tools will help:

Mind Persuasion

Have You Come Full Circle Yet?

Go Out There To Come In Here

Long time ago I used to work in this Research and Development lab.

We used a lot of very specific vendors for a life of very specific materials.

One day, we had this “problem” with one of these materials that we used almost every day.

Since it was a “biological” there could be any number of reasons. So I called the vendor, and asked him if he knew why this particular biological was behaving in a strange way.

He said he didn’t know, but some of his other customers had also complained about the same thing.

He told me not to worry, as he had his best expert working on the problem.

About an hour later, this “expert” called me to ask my opinion on why this particular biological would be behaving in this particularly strange way.

Apparently, he didn’t know I’d called the vendor, who called him, who then called me to find the answer the question that I’d originally asked.

Now, this is a funny story, but it happens quite a bit.

Not necessarily in a lab or work setting, but going on some long journey only to find out you’ve come back to the starting point.

Many movies and stories have this as their central theme.

One underlying “meaning” of this is that you’ve always had within you what you were looking for all along.

The solution isn’t “out there,” the solution is “in here.”

But many of these solutions can’t be found “in here” unless we make a point to go and look for them first, “out there.”

It’s as if we can’t see what’s inside us unless we force ourselves to go out into the world and face what we THINK are our demons.

But they’re really just a projection of what we have “in here.”

We all come into this world literally LOADED with genius.

But then through the process of growing up, that genius is dulled, covered up, shrunken, and hidden away.

For most of our lives, we don’t know we still have it.

But it’s there.

And our real power comes from understanding why it was hidden, and more specifically WHO hid it.

Maybe our higher selves knew what they were doing when WE hid our power. Maybe they knew that life would be too boring if we weren’t forced to go “out there” looking for it, only to discover that it’s been “in here” all along.

Are you ready to discover yours?

Here’s One Way:

Emotional Freedom

How To Objectively View Yourself

See The Big Picture

Once I was sitting in this coffee shop in Japan.

There were three girls at the table next to me, putting together some kind of collage for a friend of theirs.

A bunch of pictures of some girl (Japanese) and some guy (non-Japanese).

So they wanted to write something cute at the bottom of the picture, in English.

They had settled on the saying “Love Is Blind.”

Now, I wanted to point out that wasn’t the ideal statement to convey to a clearly happy couple.

I wanted to explain that this is normally used to describe somebody who doesn’t quite see what they’re getting into, from an objective standpoint.

Meaning that love makes us overlook the other person’s shortcomings, sometimes when we shouldn’t.

I’m sure you’ve had a friend that was in a relationship with somebody, and you and everybody else knew it wasn’t going to end well. But they thought it was absolutely PERFECT.

And then when it went up in flames, you had to use super human willpower to keep from saying, “I told you so!”

The truth about human nature is that it’s nearly impossible to see what we are doing, right now, from an objective. third party standpoint.

Another time I was watching this race on TV. A middle distance foot race. One guy took a HUGE early lead.

Since I didn’t know anything about the runners, I figured he was going to win. But then the announcer said, almost disparagingly, “He’ll never be able to keep THAT up!”

Which, of course, he didn’t. He finished near the back of the pack.

Sure, we can see our mistakes clearly in hindsight. We can look back and see that we should have said this, rather than that. We should have done that, rather than this.

If only we could ever learn from our mistakes!

Luckily, we can. Most of our behaviors are based on how we INTERPRET situations, not the situations themselves.

We behave certain ways because doing certain things are simply more comfortable than other certain things.

But there IS a way to go back and change your history, so back here in the present, most everything will be more comfortable. This, that AND the other thing!

Which means we’ll have a lot more flexibility, a lot more choice, and a lot better results.

Learn How:

Emotional Freedom