Category Archives: Approach Anxiety

How To Deal With Boundary Violations

Setting Boundaries Is Easy

Easy Ways To Assert Yourself

Many guys have problems setting boundaries with girls. Partly because most guys aren’t getting nearly as much affection as they want, when they start getting it, they’ll put up with a lot of junk to keep it.

The trouble with this is when she’s violating you’re boundaries, and you don’t say anything, she correctly assumes that it’s OK.

One of the big myths about boundaries is that people somehow “know” what they are without you saying so. Like there’s some kind of social contract that everybody has read and agreed to that regulates what’s OK and what’s not OK.

But the harsh truth is that people will do whatever they think is appropriate, based on what they want, and what they imagine the repercussions will be.

And when it comes to male-female interactions, what people think are appropriate are largely based on how they were raised, parenting issues, early childhood experiences, and tons of other stuff that you simply will never know about.

Which means if you’re making assumptions about how she “should” act, you’re setting yourself up for a letdown.

So, what do you do?

First, you need to know what your boundaries are. You can’t define them if you don’t know them.

Now, this can be hard to do if you don’t have much experience. A good system is to simply listen to your gut. If she does something and it doesn’t feel “right” say something.

Of course, it can get confusing when you don’t know whether it’s a “test” or a “boundary violation.”

Usually a test is based on what she says, and a boundary violation is based on what she does.

And once she does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s YOUR responsibility to mention it.

How do you mention it?

Don’t tell her what she should or shouldn’t do. That will only make things worse. Nobody likes to be told what they should or shouldn’t do, in any circumstance.

Instead, just say something like, “I don’t like it when you do that.” And let her respond.

This is pretty powerful. 

Why?

Because if she acts like she doesn’t care how her actions affect you, she’s not worth your time. She’s effectively disqualified herself.

On the other hand, if she genuinely makes a honest effort to not do that again, if only because it bothers you, that means she’s REALLY into you. 

Sadly, this won’t happen very often. Girls will ALWAYS push the boundaries to see what they can get away with.

Which is why you should ALWAYS be willing to simply walk away from her if she repeatedly violates your stated boundaries.

Because the ones that DO make an effort to respect your boundaries are the girls you’re looking for.

THESE are the girls that will create heaven on Earth for you.

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Why To Expand Your Social Circle

Always Be Friendly

Always Be Friendly

A long time ago, I had a job selling insurance. It was the first day out, and we were going to people’s homes who had requested information. I was with my trainer, and she was showing me the ropes.

We were talking to this one couple, and I could sort of tell right away they weren’t “qualified.” Meaning they didn’t likely have the income to be able to afford what we were selling, nor would they really get much use out of the benefits.

But my trainer kept talking to them, asking them all about their problems and concerns. She even gave them some free advice that seemed to help them out.

Later, I asked why she did that, when she clearly wasn’t going to make any sales.

She explained that she recognized that they belonged to a couple of “networks” of similar workers from retired industry. Meaning they knew a LOT of people. People that would likely be able to afford what we were selling and would want what we were selling.

She explained that in the office we were working out of, the most successful salespeople made the bulk of their sales from referrals. Not cold clients, or people who responded to mailers.

Later I learned this was true in most sales jobs, other than retail. Even then if you make a good impression on a customer, they’ll send other people your way.

Most people will judge you based on how you interact with others when you have clearly nothing to gain.

Hopefully, you do this as well. If you’re out with a girl, for example, and she is exceptionally rude to the wait staff or other “help,” this should be a red flag. As least it is for most guys who know their worth.

The moral of the story? Be nice to people. Be interested in people. Even for the pure selfish boost to your self-confidence.

But chances are, if you are genuinely friendly to everybody you meet, it will send out a LOT of positive signals. One is that you’re a genuinely friendly guy. Another is that you’ve got pretty decent social skills and self confidence.

Of course, if you are social like this, you’ll meet a LOT of girls who are either interested in you, or know somebody that is.

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Your Slow Steady Path To Natural Game

What Does This Turtle Know About Seduction?

Aesop Was A Player

What is your biggest obstacle to meeting girls?

Most guys come up with all kinds of reasons. There’s no quality women. They don’t know where to meet girls. They don’t know what to say. They don’t have time, they don’t have money.

All of these are ego protecting excuses, rather than reasons.

There’s a principle in psychology called “cognitive dissonance” where we don’t see or accept parts of reality because they’ll make us feel like an idiot, or weak, or foolish.

The human brain is a master manipulator of itself in order to protect our ego.

Where does the ego live? Behind our greatest fear. But also behind our greatest fear is our greatest strength.

The good news is that when it comes to meeting girls for potential relationships, you don’t need to go full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes or go big or go home. Leave that crap for Hollywood.

It’s entirely possible, and even highly recommended, to take it slow. Very slow. If ALL you did for the next year was to slowly increase your comfort zone when it comes to talking to girls, you’d be a stone cold natural.

You wouldn’t need to spend any time on forums, or study game, or practice patterns, or change your wardrobe or even get a job. Well, you might need a job to KEEP a quality woman, but you certainly don’t need one to CREATE ATTRACTION in a quality woman. (But then again, women today are so starved for a self confident man that they would likely keep you around even if you were unemployed!)

So, how do you go about this?

Start very slow. Start very small. Take small baby steps. Every day do something that just a half inch outside your comfort zone. When it becomes easy, stretch it out just a LITTLE bit further.

Eye contact, smiles, conversations, wherever you are comfortable now, just start there.

If you do NOTHING ELSE but push your comfort zone out just a little bit at a time, you’ll become a social skill ninja that can easily seduce girls any time, any where.

Now, a year is a long time. But ask yourself this: Where were you a year ago, compared to now? If you continue to do the same thing, and get the same results, where will you be a year from now?

That may seem harsh to think about, but just wait until this time next year, when you’ve got all kinds of choice, all kinds of potential, and can talk anybody into anything.

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Her Attraction For You Is Never Set In Stone

Always Be Testing

Always Measure

There’s a lot of sales slogans that find their way into the realm of seduction and pickup.

Always be closing, always be prospecting, hot prospect, cold prospect, etc.

But there’s one that doesn’t get much air time, because it’s not really applicable to sales, or therapy, the two other areas where having persuasive language can be a benefit.

And that is to always be testing.

This is not intuitive, because it’s basic human nature to assume that everybody sees the world the way we see the world. And this can cause guys a LOT of grief in relationship building.

Guys see a girl, and become attracted to her. This is because the evolutionary triggers installed in our brains are based on how she looks more than anything else. Sure, it is also desirable for her to be smart, friendly, have a decent sense of humor, but for basic attraction, we need looks before we need anything else.

And once she’s got the right look, based on your type, that level of attraction is fixed, and won’t change, unless her body changes significantly.

With women, this is absolutely NOT true.

Just as we’d like to have things about her personality be true as an afterthought to her looks, girls are the opposite.

They’d like a guy who looks good as an afterthought to his personality. 

This is why it’s MUCH MORE LIKELY to see a decent looking girl with an ugly guy than the other way around.

If a guy has a strong personality, good social skills, is totally confident and enjoys being in his own skin, that’s generally good enough for most girls.

Which means her level of attraction for you is going to be dependent on how she feels AT THE MOMENT.

This is crucial in the early stages. Guys almost always make the mistake that if she likes him for the first night, then her attraction for him is set in stone (like his is for her) and he doesn’t have to do anything.

This is absolutely NOT TRUE.

Especially if you’re the type to go out and use “game” when you meet her first. You’re giving her a personality that’s NOT your real personality.

From a guys perspective, it would be a girl looking completely different than she did the night before.

So, it’s very likely that her level of attraction for you is going to ALWAYS be in flux the first few weeks or even months that you’re together.

Which means it’s YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to always measure her level of attraction. If it drops, adjust your behavior accordingly. If it’s up, keep doing whatever you were doing.

Is this fair? Maybe, maybe not. But that’s not the point. The point is if you don’t continuously measure her levels of attraction, you won’t know when it sinks, and you won’t know why she’s gone.

But if you learn to measure it and keep it up, she’ll be yours for good.

How To Conjure Social Proof

How To Conjure Social Proof

Easily Increase Attraction

One thing that can almost always help you is social proof. This is often misunderstood, and sometimes confused with “authority.” The two often go hand in hand.

Simply stated, social proof is when many people are doing something, and it makes that “thing” seem more attractive, purely because the crowd is doing it.

The paradox of social proof is that every single human on Earth is hard wired to respond to it, while at the same time, all of us will argue that it doesn’t have any effect on us at all.

For example, let’s say you’re walking down the street and you see a crowd lined up outside a particular store. Social proof is the crowd, and simply because the crowd is there, you are interested. If you walk up and you see them all holding fistfuls of money buying some shiny object, social proof will also make you want to buy it, even though you don’t know what it is.

Then later on, when you get home, you’ll have come up with some rational, logical reason why you bought that object. Even though you really believe these are the real reasons, they’re really just excuses. 

Whatever you are selling, if you have social proof, it’s a LOT easier to sell.

If you walk into a club with three or four girls, you’ll be a LOT more attractive. If these girls are attractive themselves, you’ll have to do VERY LITTLE work to get pretty much every girl in the club interested in you.

To make matters even BETTER, all the girls will also notice that every other girl is also interested in you, which will give you even MORE social proof.

So long as you have decent social skills, and can hold a regular conversation, it will be VERY EASY to get what  you’re after.

The problem is, of course, is that few guys have three or four girls to “wing” for them at the club.

Sure, you could hire some, and it would work, but it would be expensive.

But there’s another way. One that will give you almost the same result.

The first part is to simply talk to girls anywhere and everywhere, with two objectives. One is to get their names, two is to find out something interesting about them. That’s it. This is your “ammunition.”

Then, when you’re out and trying to meet girls for real, just start talking to any girl who’s attractive enough and giving you enough IOI’s.

This will be easy since you’ve been talking to girls everywhere.

Then, whenever you can, mention one of those girls, and that thing you found about her that’s interesting. So long as that interesting thing is appropriate for your current conversation, you can slide it right in.

And when you are vague who that particular girl is you are referencing, even better.

For example, don’t say, “This girl Betty I talked to at the post office and whom I’ll never see again said she also likes hang gliding.”

Say this instead:

“Oh you like hang gliding? This girl Betty I know also likes hang gliding. How long have you been doing it?”

And then just leave it at that. The girl you’re currently talking to will start wondering who “Betty” is, and will assume you two are together, or were together, or something.

Giving you social proof.

How To Develop Ultra Strong Frame Control

Massive Frame Control

Bear Theory

You’ve heard that story of the two guys out hiking who saw the bear, right?

One guy starts putting on his running shoes, and the other guys says he can’t out run a bear.

To which the first guy says, “I don’t need to outrun the bear, I only need to outrun you.”

Remember this joke next time you’re out where the ladies are. Take a look around. You don’t have to be the super alpha of the world to get a decent girl. You only need to be slightly more alpha than all the other goofs around.

Even better, you only really need to be more alpha than the last few guys she’s talked to. No need to out-alpha a guy she’s never talked to, and won’t likely talk to, right?

Here’s another application of bear theory.

Whoever has the strongest frame will control the flow of the conversation. This isn’t so PC, but girls are hard wired to be attracted to a guy who can lead. A guy that has a stronger frame than she does. She won’t admit this, and she probably doesn’t know this. 

After all, attraction is not something we can conjure up at will. It just happens. Girls fall for guys all the time when they have no idea why. But now YOU know.

In fact, many times when a girl tests a guy, it’s to VERIFY that his seemingly strong frame is real, and not fake.

So, how do you have a stronger frame than hers? Easy. Just hold a thought longer than she can hold a contrary thought.

Meaning if you’re talking about something, and she tries to change the subject, pace whatever she said, but eventually lead the conversation back to where it was before. This is pure leading 101.

Girls LOVE a guy who can lead. Girls LOATHE guys who need to follow.

You can practice this without even talking to her. Just find a place where you can make eye contact with plenty of girls,  stationary or not.

Then practice “frame wars.”

Simply pick a girl you think is cute. Look at her and smile. Forget anything and just enjoy looking at her.

If she looks at you, HOLD that feeling, and HOLD your eye contact. Do not waver. This is practice only, it’s not intended to get any kind of particular result. The easier you can do this, the stronger your frame will be.

Ideally, you want to hold it while she looks at you, looks away, and then looks back. Even if she looks back a third time, DON’T CHANGE ANYTHING.

Hold your posture, your gaze, your thoughts, your smile, even your eyeballs.

If she comes over and talks to you fine, but she probably won’t. Eventually she’ll go back to what she was doing.

BONUS if she’s with three or four friends, and she mentions to them, and THEY all look at you.

DON’T look at them. Only her. Remember, this is practice.

The idea is to practice holding your frame, regardless of what happens.

If you do this consistently, you’ll be amazed what happens.

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How To Get Better At Talking To Girls

Always Choose An End Point For Practicing

Determine The End Point BEFORE You Talk To Her

No matter what you want to get better at, practice is the only way. When we go to school, there are subjects, and there are skills. If you’re learning something like history, this is clearly a subject. You memorize all the names, dates, intentions behind all the actions, and you’re in good shape. You can use your regular thinking to understand events.

Other “subjects” are more like skills. Math for example. The only way you can get better at math is by practicing math. If you tried to memorize some equations, it wouldn’t get you very far. Language and sports are the same way. If you tried to get better at basketball by studying some books in the library, you wouldn’t be a very good basketball player. 

Sure, you could talk about it intelligently, you could sound like you knew what was going on. But if somebody put a ball in your hand, you wouldn’t know what to do.

All human relationships are skills like that. If you want to get better at sales, you’ll need to practice. If you wanted to get better at public speaking, the only way would be to practice. If you wanted to get better at negotiating, the only way would be to practice.

Talking to girls is the same way. For some reason, many guys imagine that talking to girls is something you can learn from a book or by reading various forums. Sure, this can help you in between practice sessions, but it is by no means a substitute for practice.

One problem that comes up is separating practice from the real thing. If you were practicing basketball, you’d do drills, and you’d have scrimmages, or practice games. You wouldn’t worry too much about the practice games, only the games with other teams.

But for some reason, when guys go out, they rarely see it as practice. They always see it as the real thing. Which means they don’t see it as a learning experience. It’s always in the frame of “success or failure.” And unless you’re a stone cold natural from birth, you’ll have many more failures than successes.

This makes it INCREDIBLY hard to get out there. Imagine if you were on a basketball team and the ONLY time you ever even dribbled a ball was during a regular game! You’d have to lose plenty of games through plenty of seasons before you got any good.

That’s why you should PRACTICE with girls, much more often than you talk to them for real. How do you practice? Choose an end point BEFORE you talk to her, and stick to it.

For example, if you are OK with flirting but can’t open to save your life, go out and PRACTICE opening. Don’t worry what happens next. Just see it as practice. Don’t worry about closing or even exchanging names. Once you start talking to her, YOU’RE DONE. Exit gracefully and find somebody else.

This is much harder than it sounds. Guys are genetically wired to go as far as we can with every single girl. But if you force yourself to practice, you’ll get a lot better, a lot more quickly.

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Should You Learn Fractionation?

There Are No Magic Bullets

Do Magic Bullets Even Exist?

There’s a lot of confusion about certain techniques in covert hypnosis as it applies to seduction. One of those is something called “fractionation.” This is a proven technique that shows up pretty much everywhere, and has been used very effectively in traditional hypnosis.

However, because it’s kind of confusing, and vague, some marketers have treated it like some magic bullet that can instantly get a girl ready to go. This is not really true. Not even close.

The truth about fractionation is that is one technique, among many, that can accelerate a process. But in order to use fractionation to accelerate the process, you’ve got to first be able to do the process. Fractionation is NOT a replacement for the process.

So, what IS the process? Talking to a girl, and getting her feeling those special feelings when she thinks about you. If you can do this during the first meeting, you’re doing pretty good.

Now, this is pretty vague. How do you talk to her and get her thinking those special feelings? There’s a million ways to do that. It depends on the girl. It depends on you. It depends on the location. It depends how you compare in her mind to the last five or ten goofs that have tried to pick her up.

In fact, there are so many variables that are always changing, there is simply NO WAY to come up with a memorized set of behavior patterns that will work. The ONLY way to develop the skills to get her feeling those good feelings is to simply talk to as many girls as you can, and try to get as many of them feeling those feelings as you can.

Naturally, you’ll fail most of the time.

But think of what human life on Earth would be like if any goof could memorize a bunch of techniques and then go out and get any girl dreaming of sex? The entire planet would be populated by single guys and single mothers who have no clue who the father is!

Luckily, this is not the case. Luckily, girls DO have certain criteria, conscious or not, for the guy they want to hook up with. And unless you meet this criteria, you aren’t going to get far.

Luckily, one of these criteria that’s VERY important is a guy who’s got really good social skills. And the only way to GET really good social skills is to get out there and be social.

You CANNOT learn social skills by studying techniques or memorizing patterns.

But the more you get out there and practice, the more fun you’ll have, and the more attractive you’ll become.

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You Are Not A Snowflake

Use Your Uniqueness As Strengths, Not Weaknesses

Follow The Same Path Of Success

One of the BIGGEST mistakes you can make in life is to fully believe or accept the idea of, “My case is different.”

Everybody’s been taught that they are special. They are unique. There’s nobody else like them, and there will never be another person like them. Ever.

Just like a snowflake.

No two are the same. This both true and false. To the extent you know the difference, you will be wildly successful. To the extent you don’t, you’ll spend life in emotional agony, and never know why.

Now, to start off with, let’s address the snowflake is unique myth. In reality, there are two snowflakes that WILL be the same, statistically speaking. But that’s now what we’re talking about.

Let’s just assume that the physical appearance of every single snowflake that ever was, and ever will be is different. As a metaphor if nothing else.

But that doesn’t mean that all snowflakes are created differently. That doesn’t mean that they don’t follow the same laws of physics. That doesn’t mean they’ll all eventually melt, turn into water, and get all their snowflake molecules (which is WATER, btw) mixed back in with everything else.

So yea, they’re all different. But they’re also all the same.

Which means you, as a human, are the same and different than everybody else.

You have the same basic desires. You face the same basic obstacles. You face the same basic limitations.

It’s only when you start to use your own unique qualities as a reason you CANNOT overcome the same obstacles everybody else has to overcome, is it GAME OVER.

To the extent you believe you CAN overcome ANY obstacle, if merely because somebody else did, then you will ALWAYS eventually be successful.

Here’s an example. Every guy would like a girl. Usually a girl that’s pretty, nice, friendly, and intelligent.

And every guy also has a bunch of reasons why they think they CAN’T get that girl.

Every. Single. Guy.

The ones that get the girl, don’t listen to their own excuses. The ones that don’t, do.

Once I knew this doctor. Smart guy. Good looking guy. Rich guy. Friendly guy. But he was also about 5’5″.

He had a rock solid belief, that no “quality girls” would date short guys. This was his REASON for thinking that he was EXCUSED from not facing the same obstacles every other guy faces.

Namely, trying and getting rejected and trying again. Over and over until you finally get the girl you want.

Because he was TOO AFRAID to even try, he created what he thought was a REASON to not try.

He thought HE WAS DIFFERENT. Every single piece of evidence he saw to the contrary, he kept telling himself the same lie. “Yea, but I’m different.”

If you hear yourself telling yourself this, it’s a lie. Which is good news. Because the single most powerful thing you can do that will SKYROCKET your success with women is to STOP BELIEVING YOUR OWN LIES.

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How To Get The Best Of Both Worlds

Long Range Thinking

Long Term Thinking For Short Term Success

In the world of running, there’s fast twitch muscle fibers, and slow twitch muscle fibers. This pretty much determines if you are better at long distance running, or sprinting. (Or if you’re like me with NO twitch muscle fibers, lol).

Meaning if you are naturally fast twitch, you’d be a pretty good sprinter. If you are really low twitch, you’d be a good long distance runner.

But here’s the thing. You can turn a fast twitch muscle into a slow twitch, but not the other way around. Meaning a natural sprinter, with proper training, can turn into a decent long distance runner. But a natural long distance runner can only go so fast in a sprint, you matter HOW hard they train.

Most guys, if they study ANY aspect of game, eventually face a decision. Should you pursue multiple, short term relationships, or should you look for that ONE special girl.

Some choose out of anger, or hate, or pain, after getting burned. They fell in love, got their heart broken, and will forever keep themselves protected from further pain by staying ONLY in short term relationships with low quality women.

Some guys just like the idea of hitting it with strangers.

However, keep something in mind. If you’ve told yourself that you want to be a player now, and settle down later, you may run into trouble.

Game is similar to muscle fibers. You can turn a monogamist into a player, but it’s tough to turn a player into a monogamist.

But, if you have some patience, and a long view, there IS a way to get the best of both worlds.

First, you’ll need to make the serious decision that one day, you DO want to settle down with Miss Right.

Next, you’ll have to come up with some pretty tight criteria of what Miss Right is like.

Then you’ve got to have the courage to go out and meet as many girls as possible, in your quest for her.

Make no mistake, this is incredible difficult. It’s something most guys are simply not capable of doing. Most guys (and most people for that matter) simply take what they can get, call it good, and hope everything works out.

Because the right relationship with the right woman can be so INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC, and the opposite so utterly horrible, do you REALLY want to leave that up to chance?

Now, how does that “best of both worlds” part work?

In the process of meeting as many girls as you can to find Miss Right, you will meet a lot of girls (duh).

A lot of girls who will voluntarily spin your propeller in ways you’ve never DREAMED of!

So long as you keep your sights set on the end prize (You and Miss Right) and stay honest with yourself and what you’re after, the PATH to that inevitable success will be pretty fun.


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