Category Archives: Approach Anxiety

Sorting Is Easier Than Seduction

Sort Don't Seduce

Don’t Turn Her Into Something She’s Not

It’s really, really easy to get your sites set on one girl. You meet her, have a conversation or two, and your caveman brain starts spinning. She seems perfect. You start to imagine a future together. If only you could figure out how to make it happen.

There’s two ways that guys sometimes handle something like this. One is they continue to interact her, but never really make any kind of move. I’m not talking a physical move, but they never ask her on a date, or talk to her so she knows the guy’s interested.

They sit around and hope something “just happens.”

Of course, this will quickly put you in the “friend zone” from which there’s really no escape. Sure it happens, but it’s not a good idea to depend on it.

The other thing they do is suddenly confess their feelings for her. Tell her they love her with all their hearts. This usually doesn’t work either. Way too much, way too soon.

Both of these strategies are designed to protect the male ego. They are afraid of rejection, so they never make a move and pretty much put themselves in the friend zone.

Or they want to get it over as quickly as possible, so they dump a bunch of emotions on her.

If you’ve done either of these, you know they don’t make things any better.

From an objective standpoint, going down the middle is clearly the best route. Express your intentions, but very slowly, in a way that’s easy for her to reciprocate.

If you’ve never done this before, it can be very, very difficult. Every single step forward means risking rejection. She may give you her number, but she might not date you. She might date you once, but not twice. She might be willing to date you, but not get physical. She might let you get to first based, but not second. And on and on.

As you can imagine, the more experience you get, the easier it will be. But this kind of gets rid of the notion of having it go perfectly with the first girl you ever lay eyes on.

This requires a completely different mindset. One is that finding your dream girl is not a seduction process, but a sorting process.

It’s much, much easier to find somebody who likes you just the way you are, then taking some girl who maybe likes you and spending all kinds of time, money and energy chasing her.

One thing that will help is to simply practice flirting with girls. Only flirting. Not number closing or long drawn out conversations where you hope something eventually happens.

Short, harmless flirting with as many girls as you can.

Until talking to cute girls becomes second nature, and you don’t freak out when you find “The One.

How To Kill Desperation

End This Attraction Killing Curse

Easy Daily Practice

Many people talk about the scarcity mindset, when it comes to meeting girls.

In general terms, when you don’t have a lot of options, you’re going to place a lot of value on the options you do have. If you’ve been out of work for a while, you’ll take any job, no matter how horrible, so long as you start earning some cash that will keep you off the streets.

If you’re starving, and all you’ve got is a box of crackers, those crackers are going to be the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten.

With girls, it works the same way. If you haven’t been involved for a while, any interaction you get from a girl is going to make it seem like she’s your only chance for romantic and sexual happiness.

To make it worse, since humans spent a long time living in small groups, your inner caveman is programmed to really believe she may be your only chance.

So speaking in terms of scarcity mindset or abundance mindset is pretty useless unless it’s actually true.

Meaning if you really haven’t had much luck recently, no matter how much you build up your confidence in your mind, she’s going to seem WAY more important to you that she really is. Which means you’ll overanalyze everything, be terrified of upsetting her, and pretty much do anything to please her. None of which are very attractive.

Clearly, this can set up a huge negative feedback loop. The more desperate you act, the less attractive you’ll be, which means you’ll be even LESS likely to find somebody.

What’s the answer? Repeat “sex and romance are abundant” a million times every night?

Nope.

The simple, easy and straightforward answer is to simply get into the habit of talking to every single cute girl you see.

Or at least making eye contact and smiling at them.

Sure, it may seem hard at first. But if you suck it up and make this a habit, that feeling of desperation will slowly fade.

Pretty soon you will believe, in a deep psychological and instinctive level, that pretty girls really ARE in abundance.

Now, some guys will do this, and then stop when they start dating somebody.

Don’t make this mistake. This isn’t the greatest metaphor, but it’s helpful.

Think of a martial artist. He trains every single day, to prepare for the rare tournament. If he does well in a tournament, does he stop training? Nope. Never.

Think of any relationship you end up in as an ongoing tournament. Not that you’ll be fighting, but that you need to maintain that “abundance mindset” to keep you relaxed, confident and real. Keep away that desperation.

Always be social. Always be outgoing. Make that who you REALLY are, not who you pretend to be.

How To Approach Girls In Public

Don't Be Shy!

Step Right Up!

Once I was at this party, taking to a lady friend of mind. She was pretty attractive, and would always get hit on by guys.

One guy came up, and said up front he wasn’t trying to hit on her.  Then he started asking her about her clothes, where she got them etc.  During the whole conversation (which didn’t really last that long) he mentioned three or four times that he wasn’t trying to hit on her.

Which meant that he was really worried that SHE would think he was trying to hit on her. Which meant he was likely, at least on a subconscious level, hitting on her.

Many guys share this same fear. They walk up to a girl, and they’ve somehow been taught they need to be ultra secretive with their intentions, because if she thinks he’s hitting on her, he’s toast. All the music will stop, the house lights will all shine on him, and every body will KNOW that was he was breaking some cardinal rule of social etiquette.

Luckily, this is all in your head (if you indeed feel this way). The truth is that most girls LOVE to be “hit on” by guys. At least guys that are normal, and can easily take “no” for an answer.

Another time I was at this bookstore, in the coffee shop section. There was a pretty cute girl sitting at the table in front of me. Some guy walked up, and didn’t even introduce himself, ask her name, or make any attempt to start a conversation. He just asked for her phone number. She was polite, not mean in the least, but said, “no thanks.”

He DIDN’T take it in stride. He stood there for at least another couple minutes asking why. The longer he stood there, the angrier he got.

Some guys feel ENTITLED to get phone numbers from girls, simply because they walk up and ask. They act like the universe (or somebody) owes them some kind of reward simply for asking.

Now, as this guy kept getting angrier and angrier, she kept getting more and more nervous. Finally he left, and she was understandably upset. From her perspective, all she wanted was to spend a relaxing day at the bookstore, but some guy ruined it for her.

Clearly, this is NOT the way to approach. 

What IS the way to approach?

Introduce yourself. Start a conversation. If she smiles while she’s talking to you, it’s probably safe to ask. If she says “no,” walk away.

If she says “yes,” get it, smile and walk away.

If you approach like this, either way she’ll be glad you did.

Do this with enough girls, and you’ll be dating your dream girl in no time.

Are You Wasting Too Much Time With Her?

Hold 'Em Or Fold 'Em?

Know When To Fold ‘Em

There’s a lot of things we humans do to cover up our fears and insecurities.

And since most guys will never really feel totally comfortable talking to gorgeous girls, the whole area of relationships is rife with self delusion.

One common lie guys tell themselves is they would go and talk to her, if they only knew what to say.

This makes them buy courses and programs that teach them what to say, how to act, what to wear.

But in reality, most of this is overkill. Stuff most people know already. But if guys admitted they know everything they needed already, they’d be faced with a cold harsh truth. That the only thing stopping him from going over there and talking to her is their own fears, anxieties, and insecurities.

The moment you fully acknowledge this, you’ll be WAY ahead of everybody else.

Another thing to understand is after you’ve talked to her, no matter HOW FAR you are in the relationship, when things go south, it’s not because you called at the wrong time, or you said the wrong thing. Once a girl starts to lose interest, guys slip back into the “what do I say” mindset.

As if her interest is going to suddenly reverse itself based on a couple of well-placed sentences.

They may even ask her directly, “Tell me what to do to win you back!” As if there’s a specific thing in her mind that she needs from you that will suddenly make you more attractive.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.

Which is good news.

Because when you accept this, you’ll stop wasting time on girls that simply aren’t into you.

Here’s another cold, harsh truth. No matter WHAT you do, say, wear or how you behave, most girls on planet Earth are simply NOT going to be into you.

Now, I know a lot of people who sell complicated courses on seduction will tell you that with the right set of techniques, you can pretty much seduce ANY girl you come across.

While you may be able to create INTEREST and maybe even ATTRACTION in a large number of girls,  you’ll only be able to KEEP THAT GOING, in very, very small number.

The way it works is that early on in the relationship, with the guy doing all the work, and saying all the stuff, and using all the techniques, all she has to do is sit back and enjoy her new found attraction. But the real test comes when she’s got to put in some effort to keep things going.

This will tell you if you two have got potential.

Instead of spending all your time and effort using fancy advanced technology to get a particular girl interested in you, it may be a better idea to get used to the idea of simply talking to a lot of girls, until you find one that’s got that natural interest in you.

The real you.

And is willing to work to maintain it.

How To Avoid Relationship Pain

How To Meet Your Dream Girl

Looking For A Long Term Relationship?

They say hindsight is 20-20. That’s kind of true, but sometimes it’s pretty dangerous. Looking back into history can be helpful, but only when you take in the ENTIRE history.

There’s all kinds of movies where people go back in time and change one simple thing with disastrous results in the present.

When people reminisce about the past, it’s common to wish one or two elements were different, and everything else was the same. This is pretty impossible when you really think about it. Every incident in human life is the culmination of billions of random variables all operating according to different principles.

Since the human brain is limited in its understanding, we often perceive things that are much simpler than they really are.

For example, a lot of guys would like things to be the way like they were in the “old days.” Maybe they imagine their grandparents hooking up, dating a few times, and then having a relationship without much issue.

They compare that to their experiences today, and see a huge difference. The conclusion is usually that women today are much different than women of yesteryear.

There’s a couple things going on here that makes that seem correct, when it’s not true at all.

One thing is something called “survivorship bias.” This means we focus only on the few people that were successful, even when they are the exception to the rule. If you only focus on your happily married grandparents, for example, you’re ignoring all the people on planet Earth their same age who aren’t so happy.

Another problem comes when guys hook up with girls and have sex. Then there emotions get involved, and they try to turn a short term fling (based on how it was created) into a long term relationship.

Unfortunately, long term relationships only really work out when people genuinely like each other beyond those feelings of lust.

Anybody you meet under the cover of lust  may or may not fit that description. Sure it can happen, but when you consider how diverse people are, it’s unlikely you’d meet your soul mate the same way you’d meet a short term fling.

So, what’s the answer?

All this can easily be take care of with criteria. Find out what kind of relationship you’d like. Find out what kind of person you’d like it with. Find out a way to determine if they are a close enough match BEFORE you get too physical and your emotions get involved.

Sure, in the short term, it’s not a lot of fun. But in the long term, you’ll be much, much better off.

Learn More:

Girlfriend Generator

The Dangers Of Short Term Game

Be Careful When The Bill Comes Due

Avoid Unexpected Bills And Hangovers

There are endless courses and systems being sold today about how to use various types of communication technology to get women interested in you. These work fantastic, if you use them right.

But you may find that using these tools is much more harm than they are worth.

Why?

Anything that gives you advanced benefits in the short term usually comes at a costs. And these costs usually come later on when you are least prepared to deal with them. It feels great to eat a bunch of salty fatty food, but it feels horrible once you balloon up to 400 pounds and your doctor is telling you your in deep trouble.

It feels great to go on a credit fueled spending spree, but not so much when the bill comes, and you don’t have enough cash to even pay the minimum balance.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

So what’s the danger in shortcutting the attraction generation process? Let’s consider the ways.

For one, you’re doing all the work at the beginning. All she’s doing is sitting back while you turn up her attraction. This is great in the short term, but if you don’t continue to use that technology (which will get pretty old pretty quickly) then she’s going to lose interest. 

And unless that is the way you normally behave, it will seem to her that you’ve suddenly changed.

This can lead to a string of short term relationships. If that’s what you’re after, and many guys are, then that’s not a problem.

But many guys really DO want to find that one special lady to hang out with for the long term.

And guess what?

Short term game is simply not suited for long term relationship building. Any kind of surface structure behavior that isn’t a congruent representation of who you really are is going to be very hard to keep up.

What’s a different alternative?

One, be yourself. Your real self. Not your pretend nice guy self. And always be improving your real self. For the rest of your life. This alone will give you an edge over pretty much everybody else out there.

The second thing is to always leave before you wear out your welcome.

Most guys can’t do this. They find themselves in a conversation, and they want to make it last as long as possible.

But if you leave on a high note, she’ll remember you that way. She’ll think about you that way. Any feelings of attraction will be because she was thinking about the real you. Not because of some game technique.

If you do this consistently in the early part of the relationships, you’ll build some very strong emotional glue that will keep you together for a long time.

Learn More:

Girlfriend Generator

Look In The Mirror, Not The Market

How Do You Measure Your Success?

Skill Building Power Of Responsibility

In sports, there’s an idea of a plateau. Or in weight or exercise. When you first start, you’ll notice some pretty quick improvements. But then you kind of level off for a while. This is perfectly normal, and so long as you understand it’s perfectly normal, you’ll keep up with your training.

And you’ll see periodic “steps” up to the next level. On which you’ll stay for a while before the next step.

Game, or more specifically, social skills are the same way. This is both good and bad. It’s bad in that it can trick you into thinking that once you get to a certain level of game you don’t really need to improve any more. This can lead to “blaming the market” syndrome when you don’t get what you want.

For example, a lot of guys have no problems getting laid, but they have significant problems finding what they call “quality women.”

They imagine that since they can get laid, they’ve got all the game they need. When in reality, they’ve got JUST ENOUGH game to get laid.

But here’s where the problems begin. If you don’t know specifically what you want, other than getting laid, you’ll never find it. What’s more, you kind of expect it to “just happen” based on some imaginations based on the way you think the world “should” work.

One way to overcome this is to ALWAYS assume that if you can’t get what you want, the ONLY response is to improve your game. This is hard to do. It’s incredibly easy to blame the environment. And often times it IS the fault of the environment.

But so long as you FORCE yourself to look in the mirror rather than at the market, you’ll continue to improve. And you’ll see the same plateaus and steps you’ll find in sports or any other skill development.

Of course, there is another way. A much easier way that will make it much more natural to improve your game as an automatic result.

And that is to create a highly detailed set of criteria that describes what you’re looking for. What kind of girl? What kind of relationship?

The more detail you come up with, the more likely you’ll find her.

Naturally, she won’t pop out of the ether. You’re going to have to go looking for her. You’re going to have to talk to, and likely date a LOT of girls before you find her.

But in doing so you’ll be consistently improving your game.

So when you finally DO meet her, you won’t blow your chance.

Learn More:

Girlfriend Generator

How To Stop Agonizing Over Your Crush

Find Somebody Who Likes You As Much As You Like Them

How To Switch Your Interests

One thing humans have a hard time doing is predicting their instincts. This is something Mother Nature was very, very clever about when she set them up. Sure, we all have a raw desire to eat, for example, but we also have a huge range of things that can satisfy that hunger.

Even if you have a specific desire for a cheeseburger, for example, you won’t starve if you can’t find one. There’s plenty of other things that can fit the bill. Or imagine being really thirsty. Sure, you may have a hankering for red Gatorade, but if they don’t have it at your local 7-11 you won’t die of thirst. You’ll happily drink another flavor or even (gasp!) water.

Imagine if your friend invited you to a dinner party. Would your presence be contingent on what they were serving? Not likely.

This is true for all instincts, especially sexual or romantic desire. That’s the strongest.

However, if it seems easy to switch a pizza for a cheeseburger, even when you’ve had your heart set on pizza, why is it so hard to stop pursuing any particular girl when she’s simply not into you?

The Internet is filled with guys and gals DESPERATE to make that “one person” like them.

However, if you step back, the process is the same. Before they met that person, they had a “raw instinct” or desire to meet somebody. Then they met that person and they were close enough. So now all their energies are focused on that “one person.” 

But consider this. You’re friend tells you he’s having chicken burritos for dinner, and invites you over. You’re fantasizing about chicken burritos all week. But then you show up, and he’s got beef stew instead. Will you pout, and refuse to eat? Will you feel like you’re friend has tricked you? No. You may say something, but you’ll eat the beef stew, and probably enjoy it.

So why can’t we switch our romantic interests as quickly as we can switch our food interests?

It all comes down to our ancient brains. Food was always just around the corner. And built deeply into our collective experience is that there’s plenty of different kinds of food. So we KNOW on a deep, instinctive level, that if we don’t get the particular food we’re after, they’ll be a suitable replacement sooner or later.

But with romantic interests, it’s a LOT different. For most of our history, most people only had a couple chances in their entire lives to hook up.

So we were programmed to see those few chances as DO OR DIE on a deep, instinctive level. That’s why when you’ve got your sites set on your crush, it’s nearly IMPOSSIBLE to forget about them and find somebody else.

But here’s the thing. If you literally FORCE yourself to interact with other people, you WILL find somebody that will replace them in your mind.

This is simply a matter of overriding unconscious instincts and programming with conscious thinking and behavior.

This is the stuff civilization is made of. This is what civilized people do.

If you simply make it a habit, make it part of who you are, to interact with girls (or guys) on a regular basis. You will be a lot less likely to get messed up emotionally by a crush that doesn’t return the affection.

Here’s a step by step plan that will help:

How To Detach From Outcome

Do You See What I See?

Helpful But Vague Advice

One of the pieces of advice often given to guys who want to do better with girls is to “detach from outcome.”

This is pretty good advice for pretty much any kind of performance. If you’re too worried about the results, the additional stress and anxiety will mess up your behavior.

Paradoxically, the less you’re concerned with the outcome, the more likely you are to achieve it.

However, this is one of those catch-22’s. It’s nearly impossible to detach from the outcome if you don’t have any experience in getting it.

For example, if you’ve never gotten a phone number from a girl, and you ask somebody, it’s going to be very, very hard not to be nervous.

On the other hand, if you’ve gotten hundreds of numbers, it’s a lot easier to not care too much if the girl you’re currently talking to is going to give you her number.

It seems that in order to detach from the outcome, you first have to achieve the outcome a bunch of times. It doesn’t take much to see this can quickly turn into a recursive loop of insanity, keeping you stuck over in the shadows, while all the other guys are having all the fun.

What’s the answer?

Instead of detaching all the way from the outcome, simply pull back a bit. For example, if you want to get the number, set that as your intention, and then forget it. Then consciously think of all the things you would need to do anyway, to get the number, and focus on those. 

Like walking up to her, talking to her, making her smile and laugh. Lose yourself fully in the process. Enjoy the process. Make that your “intermediary outcome.”

See your main outcome of getting her number as comprised of a bunch of intermediary outcomes right after another.

If you are terrified of talking to her, focus on just walking up. Enjoy that process. Do it a few times until you build up a memory of getting that outcome, and then move on to the next.

Walk up and say hi, and then go somewhere else. Once you’ve got plenty of THAT experience, start an actual conversation.

Sounds like a long time, right?

Well, consider this. Most normal guys NEVER get much better at talking to girls than they were in high school. They may find themselves DECADES later still struggling with the same issues.

If you took your time, planned on a few months of just pure practice, and forgot about any outcome, you’d improve a LOT quicker.

This will help:

Girlfriend Generator

Secrets Of Social Confidence

No Need For Tricks

No Need For Tricks

Many guys would pay a lot of good money to learn the secret of attracting women. Like if there was some magical combination of words or behaviors that would get a girl turned on.

When people started combining the idea of covert hypnosis and seduction, a lot of people made a lot of money. The idea of walking up to a girl and telling her some story which sounds normal, but is really turning her into a raving nymphomaniac, is something guys would pay THOUSANDS of dollars for.

And to be sure, if you did have enough covert hypnosis skills, you certainly could do that.

But here’s the thing. Deep inside most desires to do something like that, is a desire to “shortcut” the system.

Meaning the traditional way of getting a girl is pretty simple. Walk up to and talk to a lot of people. Not only girls, but pretty much everybody. In fact, if you made it habit of being a social, outgoing person, it would soon be second nature.

This is pretty terrifying to many guys. So they buy courses and go to seminars in hopes of shortcutting the system. They figure if they only learn some secret weird trick (or set of weird texts) they’ve only got to talk to one or two girls.

Unfortunately, any kind of system that is based on human communication can ONLY be vague at best. The best hypnotists in the world only have their level of skill because they’ve been practicing for YEARS on real people, in real situations.

No matter what you’re trying to learn, sales, covert hypnosis, pick up, being a stand up comedian, it’s simply going to take a lot of practice. There’s simply no way to shortcut the process.

So here is the good news.

If you accept the above as valid, then you don’t really need to learn ANY seduction or pickup technology.

The most fundamental human skill is communication. The more you communicate, the better you’ll get at it. There’s no need to memorize patterns or study “alpha male” behavior or anything else.

You’ve already got the skills programmed into your DNA to be a charismatic speaker. In front of one person, or in front of many people.

All you’ve got to do is practice.

Start talking to people. Realize that if you want to be good with the ladies, you’ll need to be the kind of guy who’s comfortable talking to anybody, anywhere, any time.

Sure it may be scary at first. But stop and consider what will happen when you DO become ultra comfortable with the ladies.

You will lose ALL social fear. Asking your boss for a raise, cold calling people on the phone, anything you want to do, that involves talking to people, will become natural and easy.

Isn’t that worth taking some time to practice?

Start slow, and build your skills over time.

This will show you how:

Girlfriend Generator