Category Archives: Self Confidence

How To Enjoy Failure For More Success

Failure Is Fun!

Embrace Failure

Most of us hate to go backwards.

I remember I used to go hiking a lot, where we were carrying about 40 pounds of gear and food on our backs.  Sometimes we’d go “off trail” to get to a really good fishing spot, or to climb to the top of a peak.

And sometimes we’d get halfway there, only to realize we were on the wrong path. Which meant we had to backtrack a mile or so, and then start over.

Not a pleasant discovery when you’re carrying your home on your back!

When doing anything, it really, really sucks to find out you’ve been “doing it wrong,” and that you’ve got to “back up” and start over again.

Even if you go back to the beginning of a certain step (rather than the absolute beginning) it really sucks.

A common thing is to simply ignore the “mistakes” and keep forging forward.

Of course, from a purely objective standpoint, this only  makes it worse. But when you’re deep in the mix, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

This is why it’s CRUCIAL to accept that the “two steps forward, one step back” idea is essential.

Now, we all have it programmed into our brains by well meaning adults (parents, teachers, coaches, etc) that failure is to be avoided at all costs.

But without failure, there’s really no learning.

Before we learned HOW to learn (meaning before we had any idea of school or anything) we NATURALLY learned by trial and “error.” By taking two steps forward, and LITERALLY falling on our faces.

This is how EVERYBODY learns to walk.

And if was fun. 

Until we grow up and get that idea that “failure is bad” in our heads.

But the REAL CREATORS of society, those who build amazing machines, beautiful artwork, fantastic medical discoveries, they KNOW that failure is crucial.

They know that in order to double your success rate, all you’ve got to do is double your failure rate.

For example, many guys like to fancy themselves as “pick up artists,” able to sweet talk women into their beds.

They talk about how many “lays” they’ve got, or how many “number closes” they’ve got.

But the REAL question that REAL players ask, is, “How often have you been rejected?”

Now, this is not an easy thing to swallow. Most of us hold out to some imaginary magical system (wealth, girls, health, whatever) that will eliminate any failure, and give us instant success without much effort.

But the ONLY way to get better at ANYTHING is to fall on your face, pick yourself, and learn from what just happened.

If you’re only focused on the short term, this is pretty scary.

But if you’ve trained your brain to always look at the big picture, this is pretty easy. It can be just as fun as when you were a kid, learning to walk.

Why Hidden Risk Is Dangerous 

Not All Risks Are Obvious

Risk Is Not Always What It Seems

There’s a crucial scene in the Matrix, where Neo is presented two choices.

One, a red pill, and another, a blue pill.

The red pill will remove the scales from his eyes, so he sees things the way they really are.

The blue pill is so he goes back to sleep, blissfully unaware of the evil around him.

The red pill / blue pill dichotomy was “borrowed” from Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland) who no doubt “borrowed” it from many stories from before, in various forms.

When they say that “ignorance is bliss,” what to do they mean?

By taking the “blue pill,” and staying safely unaware of what’s going on, you don’t have to worry about too much.

Now, this is fine if you happen to be in safe place, with enough resources to survive, and enjoy some free time once in a while.

Showing up to work on time, doing what you’re told, in order to collect a paycheck that’s just enough to cover monthly expenses.

To be certain, the blue pill life ain’t exciting, it’s not glamorous, but it’s safe.

Right?

This is the great paradox of risk.

We “think” we’re “playing it safe,” but we’re really not.

Sure, in the short term, it might feel safer to do what the boss says without much question, not rock the boat too much, not mess up a good thing.

But in the long term, playing it “safe” might be the riskiest thing you’ll ever do.

Why?

If something happens, and somebody “pulls the plug” on your comfy lifestyle, what then?

Being able to stay safely on auto pilot without rocking the boat isn’t a very marketable skill.

It’s not something you can proudly show off after a lifetime of “achievement.”

The good news is you can start to take control, even if  you don’t think you need to.

Meaning if you just spent a little bit of time working on some translatable skills, things that you could take with you ANYWHERE, you’d be much better off.

I’m talking about the deep “meta skills” that most people tend to lack.

Public speaking ability, decent social skills, persuasive skills, and having the confidence that you can learn anything, to get anything.

Most people have a couple of skills.

Even better would be to have several skills

But even better would be to have the deeper confidence that you could LEARN any skill.

That way, no matter WHAT happened, you’d be able to step back a couple paces, take a look at the situation, and figure out what to do.

And not merely survive, but THRIVE.

Choose Your Life’s Mission

Where Are You Headed?

The Road To Uncertainty

I remember when I was a kid, I would love going on vacations.

Most of the time, it was just us driving somewhere for a few hours, staying in a motel, and then driving back later in a couple days.

There was usually some kind of activity near the motel, but nothing that I can remember now.

I just remember the excitement of being in the car, and going somewhere new.

I also remember the HUGE difference between taking classes at a local community college, as an adult, compared to when I was studying University.

When it was at Uni, it sucked. Boring, if I failed I’d be in big trouble, etc.

But as an adult, I LOVED taking classes. I was studying what I wanted to, not to get some piece of paper. 

I was learning just because I wanted to LEARN something.

I took a few language classes, tons of self improvement stuff, public speaking, even Tai Chi.

Whenever we humans do ANYTHING, the reasons we’re doing it will have a HUGE impact on how we feel about it.

Being a kid, the vacations were always outside of my control, but it was still fun. I never chose where we went, but I always enjoyed going somewhere new.

Being an adult, and taking all those classes, I felt the same way. I chose where I was going, and enjoyed the journey.

What’s the common thread?

It seems that being excited about the unknown is a crucial factor. On it’s own, it CAN be enough.

Also, going somewhere or doing something when you KNOW what the outcome is going to be, can also get your juices flowing.

But what happens when you combine these two?

What happens if you not only EMBRACE the unknown, but also have total control in where you’re going?

Sounds paradoxical, right?

But when you choose your outcome, and leave the PATH up in the air, something to discover along the way, then you’ve discovered some REAL magic.

Not only do you KNOW you are going somewhere good (or doing something good or learning something good or creating something good), but when  you’re completely OPEN to HOW you’ll get there, that’s when life takes on a whole new meaning.

Every step you take will get you wonderful feedback that will get you closer.

Your Ultimate Journey of Life.

What path are you on?

Are you dreams BIG enough?

Are the compelling enough to pull you forward, no matter what?

When you’ve got a huge dream, AND you know, deep in your bones, that you can handle anything that life throws at you, you’ve got it made.

Do You Have Portable Skills?

Which Skills Should You Carry With You?

The Best Skill Of All

When I was a kid I got a Swiss Army Knife for Christmas.

All kinds of tools, knives, scissors, saw, magnifying glass. I was in boy scouts, so it came in pretty handy.

Later on, as an adult, when I was into backpacking, I got all kinds of cool gear.

Since backpacking requires you actually walk a long, long ways (usually 20+ miles over a couple days) with everything on your back, you’ve got to be pretty efficient.

So a lot of the equipment is built to not only be very light and portable, but also to serve many purposes.

Especially the food. Freeze dried. Easy to cook. (Not so tasty!)

Compared to “car camping,” where you drive your car right up to the campsite, and then just unload all the junk from the trunk. You can get away with a LOT more (and a lot more enjoyable) stuff.

Huge coolers filled with beer. Lawn chairs. Plenty of wood for a fire. Big thick juicy steaks to BBQ.

The skills you carry with you will have a huge impact on how well you do in life.

The more translatable they are, the easier you’ll be able to switch from job to job, or situation to situation, and still come out on top.

One of the biggest “presuppositions” in NLP is that the more flexibility you have, the better you’ll do.

While that freeze dried food isn’t something you’d consider “delicious” it allows you to get to places that very, very few people have ever seen.

Gorgeous valleys way up above the tree line. Huge meadows filled with beautiful flowers, and NO people. Only animals.

Car camping, on the other hand, only allows you to go where everybody else goes.

Your skills are similar. If you’ve got the same skills that everybody else has got,  then you’ll only be able to go where everybody else goes.

On the other hand, if you’ve got some very portable skills, that you can take with you anywhere, and aren’t tied to a specific situation, you’ll do much, much better.

What skills are these?

Mental skills. Learning skills. Communication skills. People skills.

But there’s one “meta” skill that will let you learn all other skills.

Being able to look into the unknown future, and think to yourself, “Yep, I can do this,” and then get busy learning.

Most people cower in fear, and wait for somebody to hold their hand.

Most people wait for step by step instructions. For somebody else to “go first,” so they know it’s safe.

What about you?

Are you willing to boldly go where you’ve never gone before? So you can continue to learn new things, gain new skills, and reach even higher levels of success?

This will help:

Self Confidence Generator

How To Tilt The Game In Your Favor

What Does Ben Franklin Know About Success?

Essential Daily Mental Practice

Most people are aware of the power of visualization.

Athletes have known about this for years. They visualize what they want, over and over, and it happens.

Andre Agassi, the tennis player, made a dramatic career comeback to win Wimbleton, when nobody else thought he could.

He said it was easy, because he’d already seen it a million times in his mind.

Even in University studies, it’s been scientifically proven that visualizing something is just as good as actually practicing it.

They took three groups of basketball players. One group didn’t practice, one group practiced in their mind, and one group practiced for real.

The group that did mind practice improved just as much as the group that did real practice.

No matter what you want to do, mentally practicing before hand will make it easier. 

Benjamin Franklin talked about this hundreds of years ago. He called it a “daily review.” To be sure, he wasn’t the guy who came up with it, as it’s likely been around for a long, long time.

Basically you just spent a few minutes at the end of the day, reviewing the events. The ones you’d like to “rewrite,” you do. In your mind. You practice the way you’d like to have done whatever it is you did.

The more you do this, the more quickly you’ll improve.

You can even take this to a meta level. Stepping it up a bit.

You can do this with ANY situation. Just take a few moments before you take action, and really visualize exactly HOW you’d like it to come out.

Not only will this make it much more likely, but it will significantly diminish any fear you may have.

Sadly, most people will never do this.

It’s much easier to stay stuck, and come up with an excuse why you didn’t take action.

Especially when we blame forces outside of ourselves. Nothing’s easier than pointing fingers.

It keeps us safe, and we get to pretend that it’s not our fault.

Unfortunately, this will never get us very much good stuff.

Because as you well know, the only things REALLY worth something are things you’ve got to get on your own, rather than have them plopped safely in your lap.

Part of the process of becoming a fully functioning adult is giving up that magical thinking, and taking responsibility for your life.

Sure, it can be difficult. Sure you’ll need to step outside your comfort zone. Sure, you might get some results other than what you were hoping for.

But that’s where all the juice of life is. Taking action, and seeing what happens.

Naturally, you can use the visualization process to make it much easier. Instead of charging forward and hoping for some “good luck,” you can definitely tilt the game in your favor.

How?

How To Make Everything Easy

Develop Deep and Lasting Confidence

Non Situational Confidence

A lot of companies have these “team building” getaways.

Where they go do something outdoors, that’s pretty scary.

The theory is that when they work together, to overcome some kind of physical “danger,” it will strengthen their relationship, making them better workers.

I remember when I went skydiving the first time. (I’ve only been twice.) I was scared as hell driving out there, and right up to jumping out of the plane, but after that, it was pretty amazing.

Once the initial terror went away, it literally felt like flying. Then when I landed, I felt like I was on top of the world.

Like I could do anything.

However, that feeling was gone within an hour. Driving back home I felt the same after driving home from work, or driving home from the movies.

They say that you get the confidence after you do the thing.

While this is true, there’s a couple things they DON’T say about this.

One is the “confidence” that you get is generally attached to that particular thing.

Two is that “confidence” doesn’t usually last very long.

Another thing I noticed is that the people who go skydiving a lot, the kind of people who had their own gear, weren’t at all what I’d expected.

I figured since they’d conquered their fear, they would be ultra achievers who could do anything.

That wasn’t the case. Most of them were regular people, with regular jobs, who spent most of their extra income on their “hobby.”

(And interestingly enough, a lot of them smoked. A lot.)

Sure, it is possible to get confidence the “old fashioned way.” 

Just DO IT, like they say in the commercial, but that’s pretty tough. And it doesn’t last long. You’ve got to keep DOING IT or else you’ll slip back down to where you started.

Is there another way?

Why yes, there is!

Instead of relying on your cave man (or cave woman) programming to consider the possible outcome of what you’re thinking about doing, you can consciously build up the positive, while minimizing the negative.

The more you do this, the easier it will seem, and the more self confidence you’ll naturally have.

Now, this IS a skill, not a magic pill. It will take some practice.

But once you get into the habit of doing it, you’ll find there’s LOTS of things out there that aren’t NEARLY as terrifying as most people think.

What would YOU like to make easy?

Are You Walking Across Tightropes? 

Are Your Fears Really Real?

Fear: Real Or Fake?

If you’re ever going to walk a tightrope between two skyscrapers, here’s a good rule to remember:

Don’t look down.

Yea, I know, you already knew that!

But why is this rule so important? If you look down, you’ll get scared. If you get scared, you’ll lose confidence, start wobbling, and fall to your death.

Splat!

Now, let’s forget about a tightrope, instead let’s assume you are walking across a board, that’s a foot across, and very sturdy.

But it’s also between two skyscrapers. No wind, (or birds attacking you or whatever) but it’s still a 1000 foot drop.

Could you do it?

Most people wouldn’t even try unless there was a HUGE reward at the other end. Like not dying, or bag filled with endless money.

We’d take one step out, look down, and say, “nuh-uh!”

But think about it. 

Same board, laid across a soft field of grass. Would you walk across?

Of course you would. It would be easy. A foot across?  You wouldn’t even need to worry about your balance. You’d probably be able to play Angry Bird on your iPhone the whole time, no problem!

So why is the skyscraper so terrifying, but the grass so easy?

Same EXACT process. Only one has a potential deadly outcome, and one is you just step on some grass.

Now, these two “mind experiments” both have REAL outcomes. Grass is easy to step on. Falling to your death is horrible. (Or so I’ve heard.)

So even though the chances of falling are pretty minuscule, you’d have to have a pretty good reason, since one mistake would end you.

But most of the time when we think about doing something, the fear is really imaginary.

Especially social fear. Sales, speeches, talking to strangers, (especially attractive strangers) feels like we’re going to fall to our death if we fail.

But seriously, is it really that likely?

If we give a speech and people get bored, or think it’s silly, are they going to throw hand grenades at us?

If we walk up and start talking to somebody, and they’re in the middle of something, are they going to give us a spinning roundhouse kick to the throat?

Probably not. But we act like we THINK they will.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

We can train ourselves to really appreciate the potential positive, and literally blow it up in our minds so we’re COMPELLED to do what we want, while minimizing the negatives so we don’t even give them a second thought.

Blasting away all social fears, and replacing with automatic self confidence.

What will you be able to do then?

Is Your Life In A Repeating Loop?

Bust Out Of Your Rut

Try Something New

It’s easy to fall into a rut.

Get up at the same time every day, do the same things, watch the same TV shows, eat the same foods.

Some people get into a comfortable rhythm and never get out.

Now, if that’s all you want from life, that’s fine.

Some people are perfectly happy to stay safe, comfortable.

After all, if you’ve put in the work, and you’ve made your money, and have a healthy relationship with your family, that’s a pretty good place to be.

In fact, that’s where most of us would like to end up.

The great paradox of life, though, is to get to that place of relaxed comfort, we’ve got to go through a lot of situations that are the opposite.

Meaning before you get that awesome job that pays you what you’re worth for doing what you’re best at, you’ve got to live through a lot of crap.

To get to that great relationship, you’ve got to sort through a lot of nutjobs.

In fact, you may say that’s the whole purpose of life.

The journey where you find yourself, maximize your skills, and discover your true self.

To be sure, it ain’t easy. And it certainly ain’t quick.

A lot of people give up halfway, thinking they’ve made it when they’re really just “good enough.”

Are you ready to settle for “good enough” or do you want more?

Do you want to just “get by” or do you want to get a lot?

Do you want to just survive, or absolutely thrive?

Only you know the REAL answer to these questions, and only when you’re being brutally honest with yourself.

As it turns out, one of the easiest things we humans can do is deceive ourselves.

This is easy to see in others, but only the rare few can see it in themselves.

But those that do, and those who are not only honest with themselves generally do much, much better than those that don’t.

What about you? Are you willing to dream big, and then get busy?

Or are you willing to settle?

Nobody can answer that question for you.

But if you’re willing to move forward, this can help:

Self Confidence Generator

How To Be Like A Kid Again

Speak With Childlike Fearlessness

How To Speak Fearlessly

Little kids are amazing.

They are both fearless and adorable at the same time.

They speak without worrying about what people will say.

Now, if you’re a parent this isn’t so great. But if you’re like me, and you enjoy other people’s kids, this is pretty fun to watch.

They have ZERO problems standing up in the middle of a crowd and shouting whatever’s on their mind.

Again, this is pretty embarrassing for the parents sometimes, but this fearlessness is precisely why kids are so adorable.

We don’t have to try and guess what they mean, or interpret the multiple layers of body language and facial expressions.

They are just pure, open, fearless energy.

Maybe they remind us the way we used to be. Maybe they remind us when times were a lot simpler. Who knows.

But it’s pretty widely agreed upon that one (there are MANY) measures of the “quality” of the adult is whether or not they like kids.

When I was a kid, there was a old lady who lived next door who HATED kids. At least we thought so. We’d be playing outside, and she’d peek out through the window and scare the crap out of us.

Now, she may have loved kids, but didn’t know how to talk to them. Who knows.

This is a funny thing that happens to us as we get older.

Communication becomes harder. More complicated. There’s more risk, more at stake.

That natural outgoing “pureness” gets covered up by a layer of careful protection, anxiety, and sometimes fear.

The problem is that when people watch us, and they see us not being as outgoing as we’d like to be, they assume all kinds of things about us.

Maybe we don’t like them. Maybe we’re “stuck up.” Maybe we think we’re better than everybody.

To make matters worse, everybody’s standing around, inside their own protective bubble of “social safety” and waiting for somebody else to make the first move.

Why not you?

Why not be the person who walks over and starts the conversation?

Why not be the person who shows everybody else it’s still safe to be outgoing and expressive?

Of course, this won’t come as naturally as when you were a kid. But the benefits of being adult means you can decide HOW you think, instead of just relying on instincts.

And make no mistake, you CAN retrain your brain just as easily as you can learn anything else.

And you HAVE learned a lot in life already, right?

Learn how to program your brain, and express yourself.

This will show you how:

Self Confidence Generator

How To Trick Yourself Into Easy Action

Reach Higher!

Expand The Potential Positive

I remember a few years ago when Michael Jordan decided to try baseball.

Now, this guy is arguably one of the best basketball players in a generation, but he absolutely SUCKED at baseball.

Even on a medium level minor league team, he still struggled.

On the other hand, there’s been a few athletes who excelled in many sports.

Musicians (or artists) are the same.

There are some that can play a whole range of instruments, and some that can only sing.

Often times in life we find people that are super skilled in one area, but absolutely suck in others.

Plenty of excellent entrepreneurial types, for example, are horrible in other areas. They are great at building a thriving business from the ground up, but not so great at holding a romantic relationship together.

On the other hand, some folks are GREAT a building wonderful relationships, but absolutely suck at anything related to finances.

The trouble with us humans is we get too focused on “content.” On the surface, it seems like building a business is completely different than starting a relationship.

But in reality the two are very, very similar.

So is pretty much anything else you’d like to create.

It’s just that because we have more experience in some things, and not others, it seems like some things are easy, while others, not so much.

Nevertheless, the structure is the same.

We look out into the world, decide what we want, and take action.

Then we measure the results, and see if we got any closer.

If we did, we do more. 

If we didn’t we do something different.

So long as you continue to take action, and accept any feedback, you simply can not fail.

The trouble comes when we talk ourselves out of taking action. We imagine some negative outcome as bigger, and more likely than any positive outcome.

This makes it seem like it’s safer to stay where we are. But it’s really all in our mind.

The truth is we can imagine anything we want.

Even stuff you’ve never done before can seem easy, if you imagine the future in the right way.

If you’d like to learn how, check this out:

Self Confidence Generator