One of the most powerful things a person can do is be congruent.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, so it may not sound like anything new.

But one thing about any kind of self-development is it’s easy to get trapped in a world of vague words that don’t really mean anything.

One thing you learn if you study NLP is something called the “Meta Model.”

This is a set of language patterns designed to turn the vague into the specific.

As you can probably guess, they don’t work very well in polite conversation. Whenever we’re talking to others we are going to be necessarily vague.

If we show up and start asking “How specifically? Who specifically? Why specifically?” people are going to get pretty annoyed.

But when understanding ideas that can help us more easily get what we want, getting specific is necessary.

So back to that cool but vague word, “congruent.”

What EXACTLY does it mean?

In mathematics, it’s when two angles are the same.

But what does it mean in a social setting?

When somebody is behaving or communicating “congruently” what are they doing, specifically?

Think of the “parts” theory. We all have different parts. When we’re thinking about what to do on a Friday night, for example, part of us may want to go out, while another part of us wants to stay in.

If we are ever conflicted, in any behavior or communication, we are NOT congruent.

One way to tell when people are lying, for example, (certainly not foolproof) is when they break off eye contact, or become closed off physically.

They may not even know they’re doing it. They may even believe what they are saying, on one level.

But on another level, it feels “wrong.” 

If you’re in a relationship (and you’re paying attention) you can usually tell when somebody is not being congruent. They may do a good job of faking it, but it’s still pretty obvious.

(“Do you love me?” “Uh, yea, sure!”)

One of the most common ways we all display incongruence is when part of us wants something, but another part of us is afraid.

We ask our boss for a raise, for example. We are one hundred percent sure we WANT the raise, but when we ask, it’s tough to speak confidently. Part of us is afraid to ask, because we might get rejected.

Same with talking to attractive people, speaking up in meetings or in groups, or any other time we want to express ourselves.

As you can guess, one the biggest killers of congruence is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of dismissal, fear of being left behind.

The good news is that unless we’re facing down an angry tiger, our fears of false.

How do we get rid of them?

By getting in touch with our higher selves.

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