Category Archives: Approach Anxiety

Rules For Dating

Are You In Or Are You Out?

Skyrocket Your Attraction

A while back, there was a famous book for girls and dating, called “The Rules.”

Basically game for girls. Rules about not calling, when to should go out, etc. Basically ways to make the guy more attracted using ancient laws of influence, like scarcity, commitment and consistency, etc.

To be sure, understanding these are fantastic. They can help out a lot, not only in dating, but in life as well. But if you are using them on purpose, that’s when things get kind of squirrely.

Any time you have to use your conscious brain to alter your behavior in order to elicit a behavior from somebody, it can backfire.

These techniques work really well in sales for a couple of reasons. One is that you are using these to boost the “attraction” they have for your product, not you.

Which means it is a lot easier, since you can both see the product objectively. And when they buy the product, they can take it home, and it will still be the product. And assuming it’s a good product, not some fake piece of junk, they won’t get angry.

The other reason is when you’re selling a product, you only have to put on your “game face” for a short time. Maybe an hour or two, tops. This is true even when you are selling a $50,000 car. Much less if you’re selling a cell phone or some other electronics.

But consider using these techniques with girls. They’ll be attaching their feelings to you. Which means you’d better consistently follow up, and deliver the value you are covertly promising.

Also, it’s not like you only have to do this for a couple hours, like selling a car. You need to keep it up for a long, long time. As soon as you stop, you may be in trouble.

A much better set of “rules for guys” are disqualification rules. If these rules are applied, then you’ll never see her again. Instead of using some fake rules to increase her attraction, just use some real rules that you stick to, no matter what.

A list of things she has to have about her. And a list of things that she can’t have about her.

Stick to these rules, and simply be yourself, your real self, not some fake nice-guy self.

The thing about most guys is they HAVE no rules. Not conscious ones anyway. So when they walk up to her, she can kind of sniff the desperation.

But with some solid rules, you won’t have any desperation. Only some curiosity. Curiosity to find out whether or not can follow your rules or not.

And this will definitely increase your attraction.

The Trifecta Of Magic Relationship Generation

Have Yourself A Three Way!

One Thing – Three Benefits

There’s one thing that will skyrocket your game more than anything else.

This one thing will not only eliminate approach anxiety, but will make you much more attractive. And it will allow you to get girls that are much closer to what you’re looking for.

What’s more, the more you do this, the less chances you’ll get emotionally destroyed like some guys.

What is this thing?

Criteria.

Now, most guys don’t have ANY conscious criteria when looking for girls. All they need is that she be above a certain level of attractiveness, and she like him enough to date him and sleep with them.

Beyond that, they’re pretty much OK with anything. 

The funny thing about humans (both men AND women) is we are REALLY good at reverse rationalization. Now, many guys think this is purely a female trait, but in truth, we both do it. In fact, many neuro-biologists are starting to think one of the main purposes of the conscious mind is to be some kind of after the fact story teller. Making up stuff so our subconscious behavior fits into some kind of narrative that won’t drive us crazy.

How does this present itself in guys?

We see a girl, know absolutely nothing about her. We sleep with her. We still know pretty much nothing about her. But since our caveman brains are hard wired to do ANYTHING to keep a steady supply of sex close at hand, we’ll make up all kinds of stories about her that make her sound like the “perfect girl for us.”

No matter what her personality is like, no matter what she wants to do with her life, we somehow believe that’s EXACTLY the kind of girl we were looking for.

But this is just a self-hypnotic con. This is also why many relationships crash and burn. After that initial self-hypnosis wears off, we finally see who we’ve been with. And when we find we don’t have much in common, AND we aren’t sexually attracted any more, there’s no reason to stick around.

From both the male AND the female perspective.

How do we avoid this?

Simple. Have a list of non-physical criteria, AND the stones to act on it BEFORE you sleep with her.

Meaning if you meet an attractive lady who’s good to go, but she doesn’t meet your criteria, you’ve GOT to disqualify her.

This will make approaching girls easier since you aren’t sure if they’re qualified or not.

This will make you much more attractive because you’ll be a lot less needy and desperate.

This will make it less likely to get burned later as you’ll end up with somebody you’re actually compatible with.

Try it, and see.

Secrets Of First Conversations With Girls

How To Avoid Those Pauses

Avoid The Uncomfortable Silences

There’s two pretty diverse schools of thought when it comes to talking to girls, especially the first time.

One is to simply be yourself. This is much more honest, organic, real and spontaneous. If it works, there’s nothing better than two people spontaneously exchanging that magical conversational energy flow.

On the other hand, it can be pretty terrifying. If you ever get to those uncomfortable silences, when nobody knows what to say, it’s a real rally-killer, as they say in baseball.

To combat this fear, many guys try memorized lines, and stories. Even the entire conversation is kind of like a stand up comedian doing his bit for the thousandth time in front of a laughing crowd.

Now, if you do this with girls, it can work and work well. Sure, the first few times you may stumble, but once you’ve got your rap down, it’s pretty repeatable. Walk up, spit out your ten minute set of patterns, and get her fired up to jump on your junk.

Of course, later on, she may wonder what the heck happened. That guy she met BEFORE having sex was super fluent and articulate, and now she’s wondering why you don’t talk with such energy, enthusiasm, or sentence structure.

If all you want is a string of one night stands, then Bob’s your uncle.

But if you want something more, more natural is more better. Less memorized and more spontaneous.

But then you may run into those uncomfortable silences.

What do you do then?

The easiest way is to simply practice talking to people, wherever you go. But instead of just talking about the weather or why the bus is late or why the local sports team sucks, see yourself as a treasure hunter.

Make it a point to try and find something interesting about everybody you talk to.

This will do three very helpful things.

The first is it will make talking to people a lot easier. Since you’ve got a specific intention in mind, you won’t worry about trying to keep the conversation going.

Two is it will give you a lot of experience with a lot of people, especially in feeling with those random pauses that WILL come up. And when you’re talking to some random dude or old lady in line at the supermarket, those random pauses won’t bother you so much.

Three is it will give you a lot of experience to draw from, especially when you find some interesting stories. You may think that woman in front of you in the supermarket is the most boring stay at home mom ever, based on her clothes and the items in her cart. But she might have been stuck on a cruise ship for three weeks without power, or gotten lost in a foreign country, or something else totally random AND amazing.

What do you do with these stories?

Whenever you’re talking to a cute girl, and you come up to one of those pauses, just whip out a story of one of your discovered treasures.

“Hey, that reminds me. I was talking this lady at the supermarket the other day, and she went on a cruise too, only her ship sunk and she was rescued by a Russian submarine!”

This will not only give you something interesting to talk about, you’ll come across as a cool guy who can talk to anybody, anywhere, any time.

Something that’s very attractive.

Quickly Accelerate Your Social Confidence

From Zero To Social Hero

How To Build Social Momentum

Momentum is an incredible thing.

Once you get going, it’s a lot easier to keep going.

This is true for behavior as well as physical momentum, but for completely different reasons.

With physical momentum, you’re relying on Newton’s Second Law (bodies in motion tend to stay in motion). Once you get something going, all you need to do is put in enough energy in the system to overcome the natural resistance, like friction, and you’re good.

If you reduce friction, you can coast for quite a while.

Similarly, when you’re doing some kind of behavior, it’s much, much easier to keep going, than it is to get going.

Especially if you’re doing something that involves uncertainty.

But unlike pure physics, the longer you’re going, the easier it gets.

Why?

Because one of the biggest anxieties when interacting with others is you never know what’s going to happen. Usually, when you do something the first time, (like ride a motorcycle or use a pogo stick) it’s kind of shaky the first couple of times. But once you get used to it, you can pretty much do it without thinking.

But talking to people isn’t like that. Every single time is different.

So the more you talk to people, the easier it gets for a couple of reasons. One is you’re have more experience with a wide diversity of people. For this reason, it’s crucial to talk to as many different people as you can. 

If you’re trying to build up your confidence in talking to a girl of a specific type, talking to regular people will help. It will build in your deep understanding that no matter WHO you talk to, most people have a LOT in common. So when you do see that girl, you’ll see her more a human than an imaginary perfect angel. 

The second reason it will keep getting easier, is you’ll build up your experience of handling uncertainty.

Sure, it’s never going to be completely comfortable doing things where you don’t know what’s going to happen.

But the more you can prove to yourself that you can handle any conversation with anybody, no matter what happens, the fact that you DON’T know what’s going to happen will bother you less and less.

So if you want to get better at talking to gorgeous girls, talk to people. All people. Everywhere. Start slow and work your way up.

Anytime you see an opportunity, exchange a few words, and see what happens.

It will make MANY THINGS in life much, much easier.

Not just girls.

How To Start Conversations With Girls

Why Make Things Difficult

Easy Openers To Maximize Your Chances

Most guys don’t know what to say when they talk to a girl. To be sure, walking up is one thing. But once you’ve stopped your approach, and she’s waiting for you to say something, it can get pretty nerve wracking.

There are a few ways to help. One way is to have a few opening questions. Not memorized patterns mind you, but just a few easy things to say, so you don’t have to come up with something on the spot.

To be sure, when you’re in the moment, you can easily riff off each other. She’ll say something that reminds you of something, which you’ll say, then that gets her thinking of something.

When both people feel relaxed and open enough to share whatever pops in their head, AND there’s plenty of stuff popping in each other’s heads, that’s a pretty good feeling. 

That’s when you’re creating that seemingly magical back and forth energy flow that can take on a life of its own. That’s when the minutes turn into hours, and before long you wonder where all the time has gone.

But getting to that point isn’t always easy, nor is it automatic. It can only happen between two people that have enough in common, and enough natural rapport.

One way to test the waters, when you first start the conversation, is to simply know a few easy things to say.

The best thing is to simply pace the situation. This means to say things that are absolutely true. Things that she’ll naturally agree with. When you do so, mix in a little about yourself, your opinions, your feelings.

This is to let her know that you’re not going to put her on the spot and make her do all the talking.

Something like this is pretty good:

“Hi, I saw you across the room and I thought you seemed interesting, so I decided to come over and introduce myself and maybe find out more about you. My name’s George.”

You’re not putting her on the spot, you just said what happened, so you’re not saying anything crazy. You’ve said something about your intentions, AND you’ve said your name. And because you said “maybe” there’s not any kind of pressure.

Then you simply see how she responds. If she looks like she’s under attack, she’s not feeling it. If she clearly closes off her body language, she’s not feeling it. If she looks around desperately for her friends or a cop, she’s not feeling it.

But if she looks at you, faces you, and gives you her name, then it’s on.

Just keep it easy. Talk about easy stuff. Explain what you’re doing there. Avoid direct questions.

If you say something, and she naturally reciprocates, that’s a GOOD sign. If you’re talking and she’s listening politely, but not really adding much to the conversation, that’s not exactly bad, but it’s not that great, either.

What you’re looking for are girls that are comfortable enough around you, and self confident enough around you, to actively participate in the conversation.

You find someone like this, you’re doing pretty good.

Get Rid Of Approach Anxiety With Mind Tricks

Approaching Is In Your DNA

The DNA Pick Up Model

DNA is pretty cool.

The way it reproduces is an engineering miracle. You’ve got these long strands of stuff. On each half are certain elements that only hook up, or “pair bond” with other elements. 

When DNA reproduces itself, it unravels. It leaves the nucleus and goes out in to the cell. So in the cell, it’s only “half” a DNA. And each element on the half is looking for its counterpart, swimming around in the cellular soup.

Once all the individual pieces hook up with their other halves, a new DNA is formed, which ideally, is an exact copy of the previous DNA. (Unless they’re mutations and you turn into X-Men).

Think of this model when you’re out looking for the ladies. It’s how YOU were created, from the very first mixing of sperm and egg.

And just like the DNA splits in half and each element goes out looking for its counterpart, that’s kind of what the whole dating game is.

All these individual “elements” or people looking for their own individual counterpart.

Humans are hard wired from evolution to pair bond. Sure, there are exceptions, but for the most part, we do best when we’re hooked into compatible, male-female pairs.

Now, while it’s a bit more complicated finding your soul mate than a DNA nucleotide finding it’s opposite jigsaw puzzle piece, structurally speaking, it’s pretty much the same.

This is helpful because many guys fall into the trap of thinking women got it all, and us poor men are beggars.

We approach like they’ve got all the power. They can accept us and reject us. 

But that’s not the case. On a deep biological, psychological and evolutionary level, when a guy approaches a girl, they are both thinking the same thing, deep down inside:

“I hope this person is a match.”

Contrary to your fears, most girls AREN’T thinking, “Oh great, another idiot that I can publicly reject!”

That is, of course, if you wait for a couple of signals before approaching. Eye contact, a smile, you know what I mean.

When you approach with the “I wonder if we’re a match” mindset rather than, “I hope she accepts me” mindset, it makes approaching a lot easier.

Now, it won’t be automatic. It won’t happen simply because you are reading this. That would be like reading an essay on Kung Fu and expecting to magically transform into a black belt.

You DO need to practice, even though it’s a mindset.

HOW do you practice?

Just FORCE your brain to hold that question, “I wonder if we’re a match,” in mind while you approach, AND while you’re talking to her.

Imagine you’re going on an information-gathering mission, rather than approaching the queen of the universe and begging for scraps.

You can even practice without approaching. Just hold this thought in mind when you’re out flirting with girls.

It will help, a lot.

The Folly Of Chasing

Sometimes It's Better To Find Somebody Else

How Long Should You Pursue A Girl?

How do I get her to like me?

I get this question a lot. Most guys have got their eye on some girl, have had a bit of success, and then she pulls back. He, on the other hand, is still pining furiously for her, and will do anything (or so he says) to get her to “like him.”

Now, let’s think about what happens when a girl “likes” a guy. It’s pretty much a HUGE collection of unconscious processes that are a mix of ancient programming, childhood and cultural programming, as well as how and who she references within her social circle.

On a deep level, girls like guys who are leaders, who are self confident, genuinely kind, and have thick skin. The guy who can pretty much handle anything that comes up. Not the guy who shies away from a challenge. Not necessarily the guy who beats everybody up who challenges him, but the guy who KNOWS deep in his soul that any problem life gives him, he’ll deal with to his advantage, AND usually everybody else’s in one way or another.

On top of that, she’s going to be turned on by a guy who “reminds her” on a deep level of when she was a kid, and she was referencing some strong male adult role models, usually (hopefully!) her father, or older brothers.

On top of that, she’s going to be subconsciously referencing cultural icons, her peer group, who they like, and who they don’t like, etc.

If that’s not enough, she’s also going to have a conscious idea of who’d she’d like to end up with.

If she can find a guy that hits her triggers on all four of these levels, she’ll feel as though she’s found her prince charming, and she’ll literally follow him to the ends of the Earth.

You know in mathematics they can take this huge equation, and express one variable in terms of all the rest?

We can kind of do that here.

Instead of asking, “How can I get her to like me,” you can also ask, “How can I become her prince charming, and hit her levels of attraction on levels?”

Most guys foolishly believe there’s something they can say or do that will fit the bill.

Think of it this way. You’re having a dinner party. You spend hours cooking something. Your friends come over, and they don’t like the taste very much. They’re being polite, but you can tell they think it sucks.

So you call your cooking guru on the phone. You ask him or her, “What can I tell them that will make them like my cooking?”

After your cooking guru gets done laughing, she or he might tell you to tell them to come back next week, after you cook something different.

Here is the cold harsh truth about dating. If a girl doesn’t like you, there’s not much you can do. 

Of course, you should ALWAYS be improving yourself. Increasing your self confidence. Developing better and stronger beliefs. Developing your ability to create an awesome life for yourself.

But if one particular girl decides (on all four of those levels) that she doesn’t like you? 

It’s best to simply find somebody else.

What Makes A Natural A Natural?

What's The Difference Between Cause and Effect?

Cause vs. Effect

When guys that are naturals easily pick up girls, what’s the driving force? What’s the main ingredient? If you were to reverse engineer the process, which would you think was the most important?

His clothes? His language? His use of humor? His money? The angle at which he approaches her? 

If this is all you were focused on, you’d be missing the big picture. And the main ingredient.

It helps to understand the idea of cause and effect. This is something we all know about, but often times we misunderstand which is which.

We see two things happening, one right after the other. And we naturally assume that which happened first is causing that which happened second. This is a common conclusion, and it’s often very wrong.

Sure, it helped us out back when we were cavemen, but not so much any more. Most things that happen in our modern world are way to complex to be put into simple, cause and effect relationships.

Now, consider the language a natural uses. Is it a cause or an effect? It’s an effect of his inner state. If his inner state is relaxed and confident, he’s going to choose certain words and phrases over certain other words and phrases. He won’t be afraid of telling her certain jokes, or making certain remarks.

Now consider his language and her natural feelings of attraction. If her feelings of attraction are an effect, what is the cause? Most people assume it’s his language. If they copy his language, they’ll get the same effect, right?

Not so fast.

What’s likely the cause of her feelings of attraction is a mixture of his internal state, AND his exterior behavior. How much of each? Most of it comes from his internal state. It’s really impossible to say how much, since these things are always in flux.

But it’s safe to say that the majority of the cause is his internal state.

Which means if you copy his external behavior EXACTLY, you’re still missing a huge piece of the puzzle. Which means you won’t create nearly as much attraction in as many girls as you’d like.

But with an internal state much like his, the external behavior (which is an effect of the internal state) would take care of itself.

So if you want to get the results of a natural, you’ve got to reproduce the internal state of a natural. Somebody who is confident. Somebody who feels comfortable in all social situations. Somebody who doesn’t put too much attachment to any particular outcome.

If you can do that, EVERYTHING in life will become easier. Not just talking to girls.

Secrets Of Natural Seduction

Signs Are Everywhere

Respond To The Ever Present Signs

If you want to be a natural with the ladies, so you can more quickly find your dream girl, you’ve got to leave plenty of childhood ideas behind.

One thing that many guys complain about, when they’ve finished a date but haven’t been able to “close” effectively, is that they didn’t get any “green lights.”

Meaning they didn’t see any obvious signals that told them it was OK to lean in for the kiss or whatever.

Ideally, you need to get to the level where you can interpret signals that are kind of fuzzy. You’ll never get a girl looking straight at you and say, “Ok, you can kiss me now!” Unless you’re in some kind of goofy romance movie.

In reality, most of the signals will be fuzzy, and unclear. It’s your job, as a man, to notice those signals, and act on them. And to dial it back a little bit if you go too far.

Many guys don’t like hearing this. Many guys like to be told exactly what to do, exactly what signs to look for when it’s “safe” to kiss her, etc.

But if you wait for a sure thing, it’s never going to come.

Think of it like the stock market. There’s no sure thing. There’s no perfect set up. Any stock you buy can tank right away. Any stock you don’t buy can to straight to the moon. It’s your job as an investor to take a risk and pay close attention to the stock’s behavior after you buy it, and act accordingly.

Or think of it like a boxing match. Every single thing you do is based on what your opponent does. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you’ve got to change things up.

Imagine asking your boxing coach which specific moves to use, before the match even started. He’d look at you like you were nuts. You just get in there, throw a few punches, and see what happens.

How does this apply to dating, or pretty much the whole spectrum of male-female involvement?

The exact same way. There are ZERO guarantees. There’s no surefire, step by step method. There’s only those signals that girls are ALWAYS giving off. Then there’s your ability to interpret them, and then take a risk.

Then, just like the stock market, once you take a risk, you simply need to pay careful attention to how she responds, and act accordingly.

Are you getting more positive signals? Great, keep moving forward. Is she turning cold on you? Step back a bit and try something different.

Is there any way to predict how she’ll respond to you? None whatsoever. It’s all based on you, her, and the energy between you. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. 

So long as you keep playing the game, it’s all good.

How To Become The Ultimate Alpha

Are You Trying To Salivate?

Are You Trying To Be A Wolf?

Girls will always go for the alpha.

But what does that really mean? If you’re a wolf, it means the biggest most fiercest dude in the pack. The one who can physically dominate all the rest.

And for most other animals, this is true as well. Basically it means the one dude who can control the situation. In the animal kingdom, this means by sheer brute force, nothing else.

What about humans? Most guys mistakenly assume guys are the same. The biggest, toughest, most physically fit. To be sure, if you go by Hollywood movies (which are written by NON-alphas) this holds true.

But what about real life?

Remember, the measure of an alpha is the guy who can hold control the best. 

So who controls people the best? And in the most situations?

To be sure, in many situations, the biggest, loudest, most obnoxious guy. But put this guy in a boardroom, and he’ll most likely be WAY over his head. Maybe on a desert island he’ll do OK. But not in real life.

For one thing, this is situationally dependent. And since we’re talking about being an alpha to attract the females, we need to think about how she’s interpreting this alphaness.

Does she want alpha who’s ONLY alpha in that particular situation? Or is she going to be attracted to a guy who is likely to be alpha in MOST situations he finds himself in?

Remember, the more situations she imagines he’ll be alpha in, the better.

The boardroom, the bedroom, the locker room, AND the desert island situation.

How can you demonstrate ALL that?

Easy. Show her that no matter what happens, you can not only handle it, but come out on top. This means you’ve always got to feel confident in your ability to get your needs met no matter HOW the situation turns out.

Which means you’ve FIRST got to determine what your needs are. Most guys don’t even get this far. They just hope they’ll get something good, and not get something bad.

So if you first determine your basic outcome for the particular situation, then you’ll be already ahead.

Then you simply figure out how to “work the room” to get your outcome.

If you’re going into a boardroom situation, then you’ve got to have an ideal outcome in mind for the meeting. If you’re hanging with your boys, you’ve got to have an ideal outcome in mind for the evening.

If you’re going on a date, you’ve got to have an ideal outcome for the evening as well.

If you can not only come up with an ideal outcome for each and every situation, and make that outcome come true, no matter what happens, (and crucially to convince everybody else it’s the best outcome) THEN she’ll see you as the ultimate alpha. 

And she’ll never want to leave you.