Category Archives: Dating

The Trifecta Of Magic Relationship Generation

Have Yourself A Three Way!

One Thing – Three Benefits

There’s one thing that will skyrocket your game more than anything else.

This one thing will not only eliminate approach anxiety, but will make you much more attractive. And it will allow you to get girls that are much closer to what you’re looking for.

What’s more, the more you do this, the less chances you’ll get emotionally destroyed like some guys.

What is this thing?

Criteria.

Now, most guys don’t have ANY conscious criteria when looking for girls. All they need is that she be above a certain level of attractiveness, and she like him enough to date him and sleep with them.

Beyond that, they’re pretty much OK with anything. 

The funny thing about humans (both men AND women) is we are REALLY good at reverse rationalization. Now, many guys think this is purely a female trait, but in truth, we both do it. In fact, many neuro-biologists are starting to think one of the main purposes of the conscious mind is to be some kind of after the fact story teller. Making up stuff so our subconscious behavior fits into some kind of narrative that won’t drive us crazy.

How does this present itself in guys?

We see a girl, know absolutely nothing about her. We sleep with her. We still know pretty much nothing about her. But since our caveman brains are hard wired to do ANYTHING to keep a steady supply of sex close at hand, we’ll make up all kinds of stories about her that make her sound like the “perfect girl for us.”

No matter what her personality is like, no matter what she wants to do with her life, we somehow believe that’s EXACTLY the kind of girl we were looking for.

But this is just a self-hypnotic con. This is also why many relationships crash and burn. After that initial self-hypnosis wears off, we finally see who we’ve been with. And when we find we don’t have much in common, AND we aren’t sexually attracted any more, there’s no reason to stick around.

From both the male AND the female perspective.

How do we avoid this?

Simple. Have a list of non-physical criteria, AND the stones to act on it BEFORE you sleep with her.

Meaning if you meet an attractive lady who’s good to go, but she doesn’t meet your criteria, you’ve GOT to disqualify her.

This will make approaching girls easier since you aren’t sure if they’re qualified or not.

This will make you much more attractive because you’ll be a lot less needy and desperate.

This will make it less likely to get burned later as you’ll end up with somebody you’re actually compatible with.

Try it, and see.

How To Become Comfortable With Females

There's A Party Out There Waiting For You

Practice Makes Perfect

Remember when you were a kid?

Maybe, maybe not. If you’ve ever watched kids interact with each other, it’s pretty amazing.

Generally, the younger they are, the more fearless they are. They don’t stop and think about what they are going to say based on what they think might happen. They don’t hesitate in talking to somebody based on how they think they might respond.

They see all people as regular people. They haven’t learned to categorize anybody according to race or gender.

Then, as we grow up, we start to categorize people. We have to. The more we have to start becoming responsible for our lives, the less free stuff and support we get from our parents and other adults, we don’t really have the luxury to throw caution to the wind. We have to sort of pick and choose.

Now, this may not sound very politically correct, but if we didn’t do this, we’d be conned right and left. 

However, often times we make huge errors in judgment. Whenever we discriminate based on race or gender.

Now, before you think I’m going to go off on a PC-preachy tangent, hold your horses.

Consider how we perceive females, before and after we start to “judge” people.

When we are kids, they are kids, just like us, and we treat the like such.

But then we go through puberty, and they suddenly have amazing power. They can provide us with incredible pleasure, or horrible rejection. All in the way they look at us and talk to us.

If you’ve got any married guy friends that are pretty happy in their relationship, watch how THEY interact with women.

Usually, they’re much more laid back than single guys.

Why is that?

Because, for the most part, females have become normal females again.  Unless of course, they run across some incredibly hot super model who’s TRYING to create sexual energy everywhere she goes.

The secret to talking to women is to simply see them as people, instead of those amazing creatures with such amazing power.

How do you do that? Well, you could go out and get married, but that would kind of defeat the purpose!

The easiest way to see females as ordinary people, (which they are, BTW) is to simply talk to as many as you can WITHOUT having any kind of hope or expectation that anything will happen OTHER than a polite conversation.

The more you do this, the easier it will get.

Once you get to a certain level of comfort, that’s when the fun begins.

Quickly Accelerate Your Social Confidence

From Zero To Social Hero

How To Build Social Momentum

Momentum is an incredible thing.

Once you get going, it’s a lot easier to keep going.

This is true for behavior as well as physical momentum, but for completely different reasons.

With physical momentum, you’re relying on Newton’s Second Law (bodies in motion tend to stay in motion). Once you get something going, all you need to do is put in enough energy in the system to overcome the natural resistance, like friction, and you’re good.

If you reduce friction, you can coast for quite a while.

Similarly, when you’re doing some kind of behavior, it’s much, much easier to keep going, than it is to get going.

Especially if you’re doing something that involves uncertainty.

But unlike pure physics, the longer you’re going, the easier it gets.

Why?

Because one of the biggest anxieties when interacting with others is you never know what’s going to happen. Usually, when you do something the first time, (like ride a motorcycle or use a pogo stick) it’s kind of shaky the first couple of times. But once you get used to it, you can pretty much do it without thinking.

But talking to people isn’t like that. Every single time is different.

So the more you talk to people, the easier it gets for a couple of reasons. One is you’re have more experience with a wide diversity of people. For this reason, it’s crucial to talk to as many different people as you can. 

If you’re trying to build up your confidence in talking to a girl of a specific type, talking to regular people will help. It will build in your deep understanding that no matter WHO you talk to, most people have a LOT in common. So when you do see that girl, you’ll see her more a human than an imaginary perfect angel. 

The second reason it will keep getting easier, is you’ll build up your experience of handling uncertainty.

Sure, it’s never going to be completely comfortable doing things where you don’t know what’s going to happen.

But the more you can prove to yourself that you can handle any conversation with anybody, no matter what happens, the fact that you DON’T know what’s going to happen will bother you less and less.

So if you want to get better at talking to gorgeous girls, talk to people. All people. Everywhere. Start slow and work your way up.

Anytime you see an opportunity, exchange a few words, and see what happens.

It will make MANY THINGS in life much, much easier.

Not just girls.

Continuous Improvement

You're Not A Ninja Yet!

Keep Getting Better

Here’s a question for those of you who study martial arts. And even if you don’t it will still make sense.

Suppose you do the work required to earn your black belt. Are you done? Can you effectively defend yourself against pretty much anybody?

What about in tournaments? Obviously not. At the tournament level, getting a black belt is like your entry fee. There’s guys in tournaments who are way ahead of just a black belt. 

How about this, suppose you got a black belt, and were decent enough to win some local tournaments. Then you took a few years off. Could you jump right back in the ring and compete? Even if you stayed in shape, if you didn’t practice those specific skills, you wouldn’t do very well.

Most guys recognize this as obvious, with any sport. It takes a while to get to a certain level, and it takes a while to maintain that level.

But when it comes to dating, we suddenly think that we not only don’t need to practice, but all it takes is some kind of minimum understanding of game (no doubt read on blogs or forums) and we think we’re Jedi masters of seduction.

Now, I know that martial arts isn’t the best metaphor for meeting girls. After all, you’re not walking over there to spar. She wants you to succeed just as you do.

No girl wants to reject a guy who’s walking over to talk to her. She’d rather he be the man of her dreams. Or at least the man of the evening.

But the idea of always needing to practice, and always needing to improve yourself IS a good part of the fighting metaphor.

Most guys don’t get this. They assume if they can get laid, then it’s a matter of finding the right girl.

But consider this.

Once you can get laid on a fairly consistent basis, that’s kind of like a black belt. Sure, it’s a good accomplishment you should be proud of.

But it’s only the beginning. There’s ALWAYS a need to improve your fighting skills.

While you may not be fighting against her, you ARE fighting against every other guy she can potentially date.

And sure, if you’re talking to her in a bar surrounded by other goofs, she might see you as a hero.

But as soon as she starts comparing you to other guys, you may not seem like much.

Not fair? No, it’s not. But neither is life.

Everybody’s main objective on planet Earth is to get as much as they can while they’re here, for as little effort as possible. Nobody’s job is to give away stuff for free.

Mother Nature isn’t too concerned with evenly handing out the goodies. She’s not the kind grandma who makes sure all the kids get a piece of candy.

She’s a ruthless ringmaster who let’s us loose an says, “Go!”

And then steps back to watch the fun.

If you don’t step up your game to get the quality girl, and KEEP HER, somebody else will.

Like it or not, that’s the way it goes.

Now are you going to sit there and let all those other goofs get your dream girl?

The Process Of Dating

The Never Ending Process Of Relationship Building

Flow Power

What’s the difference between a process and an outcome?

One way to describe them is that the process is a way to get an outcome. Or you may say that a process is made of many, many outcomes that lead to a greater outcome.

Or you may say that a process is a consistently evolving system based on tons of interdependent variables and feedback loops. An outcome is an event in time or a thing.

Take rain and the weather, for example. The weather is always changing, always in flux, and always feeding back into itself. The amount of variables are few, and are inorganic. Pressure, wind speed, heat, humidity, that’s about it. 

The outcome is the weather event. Rain, snow hail, whatever. Of course, each event, if you drill down into the time span is a process unto itself. The process of rain can cause all kinds of events, or outcomes. And in turn, they themselves are processes that create outcomes.

The weather is the process that creates an outcome of rain. Rain is a process that creates an outcome of wet soil. We soil is a process that leads to mature corn. Mature corn is a process than turns into popcorn. And and on. In reality, there’s not a hard limit between any process, and any outcome.

It all depends on your frame of reference.

One life long process that many guys treat as an outcome is male and female interactions.

Even within a relationship, a happy committed relationship, the process is ALWAYS changing. The needs, wants, desires, subjective beliefs and values of each person are ALWAYS changing.

Once you get past that lovey dovey super sex part, a real relationship takes a ton of work. Real work, not just check-the-boxes-off-a-list work.

That’s why so many relationships fail. Neither person is willing to put in any work after the lovey dovey sex magic ends, and the real give and take begins.

Of course, if all you care about is the lovey dovey super sex part, and you’re happy to be a serial monogamist your entire life, more power to you. Plenty of people are happy with that, men and women.

But if you want something more, you’ve got to understand that ALL aspects of human relationships RARELY leave the process stage.

Unless you’re at a funeral, and your throwing dirt on a dead dude in a box.

So next time your out in a social setting, and you see some girl you’d like to talk to, think of your potential interaction with her as one long process.

Instead of saying, “how can I GET some of that,” which implies you’re going after some static “thing,” think more in process terms.

“How can I create a sustained interaction with that person that will satisfy both of our wants and needs in a way that will make us both better off than we are now?”

Or if that sentence is too long, how about this one:

“I wonder if we can build something together.”

Try this, and see what happens.

How To Practice Social Skills

Drill Baby Drill!

How To Consistently Increase Your Skills

Most people have a belief that they’ll be able to “step up to the plate” when the time comes.

When it comes to girls, this is a very convenient lie guys tell themselves. They see a girl across the room they’d like to get to know, but then they feel a bit of anxiety. Since they don’t want to admit to themselves (and most likely can’t) that they’d like to, but they can’t because they’re too afraid, their hamster starts spinning.

They figure out SOMETHING about her that disqualifies her. Then they tell themselves that since she’s not really his type, he won’t bother going over there. This is a very quick self-deception that happens in a couple seconds, before he even knows what’s going on.

The human brain is ultra quick, and ultra sneaky when it comes to protecting the ego.

The the guy says something like, “Well, of course, I’m nervous, but if I ever DO see a girl that’s my type, I’ll have NO PROBLEM walking over there. Until then, I’m a super ninja observer of society.”

Unless you’re dating several super models and you’re super happy with your relationships with females, you’re likely doing this all the time. This is common, and all people do it.

How can you avoid this? Or at least diminish the effect it has on your ability to talk to cute girls you MIGHT find interesting?

Practice.

As important as getting into a decent relationship is, and as dependent on social skills as that is, few people feel the need to “practice” social skills.

But think of something similar, like public speaking. People realize that if they become better and more comfortable at public speaking, they’ll make more money, and have more job opportunities. So they practice.

Just like anything you want to get better at, the more you practice, they better you’ll get.

Why should talking to girls, or people in general, be any different.

How do you practice?

Simply take whatever level you’re good at, and push the comfort zone a bit. Then practice like anything else. Choose 30 minutes, where you’ll do nothing but practice.

Just like you’d spend 30 minutes practicing scales on the piano, or down at the dojo or the gym. You don’t practice the piano or martial arts whenever you have the opportunity, do you? No, you make time to practice. And when you practice, you drill yourself.

Do the same with girls.

Pick something you’d like to get better at. Approaching, opening, flirting, whatever.

Then choose a certain amount of time, every single day, and practice doing that. Only that. Nothing more. Nothing less.

When that (whatever it is) becomes so easy it’s boring, start practicing something a little bit harder.

How To Fire Up Her Feelings 

Dial Up Her Attraction

How To Find Her Triggers

If you want to get a girl interested in you, she’s got to feel good feelings when she thinks about you.

Now, this seems pretty obvious, and pretty straightforward, but some guys tend to miss this.

Meaning they think that girls are like some robots. Incredibly complicated robots, but robots nonetheless. Meaning all you need to do is to say the right things, in the right order, and she’ll be yours forever.

Now, sure, there ARE some things that will get a girl to give you her phone number, date you, even sleep with you. But they don’t mean she’s feeling deep and irresistible feelings of attraction when she thinks about you.

Plenty of girls get married because the guy satisfies things on her consciously chosen list of items she needs to have in a mate. If you happen to have these things, and you show up at the right time, you may fit the suit, so to speak.

Sounds anti-romantic, but humans have been hooking up for a long, long time based on what we might call “business decisions.”

But if you want to be anything other than a Johnny Bravo lover, you’ve got to fire up her deep feelings of attraction.

And the actual triggers that will create these feelings are different in every single person, like it or not.

So, how do you find out what her individual triggers are?

Ask her!

No, not like that. Don’t just walk up and say, “What kinds of things do you need to feel before you fall head over heels in lust with a guy?” (But you my be surprised!)

But you CAN get her talking about things she’s interested in. It’s got to be normal, not like an interrogation. They have to come up naturally, not like they’re coming from a list in your head.

How do you do this?

You’ve got to have some basic conversational skills to begin with. And you’ve got to make the conversation focused on her more than you. Figure about 70/30.

Ask about her, ask for more information, then every once in a while share something similar about yourself. It’s got to be natural, it’s got to flow.

AND you have to have rapport with her. She’s got to feel comfortable talking to you.

And guess what?

No matter WHAT you do, you might not EVER be able to create rapport with her. All girls are different. You might not be her type. There could be a million reasons why she’s not feeling you right there and then.

So see the first few minutes of the conversation as more of a test. She’s testing you, and you’re testing her.

If she likes talking to you, you’ll know. She’ll give you long answers, will be animated and will look at you most of the time.

If she doesn’t like talking to you, you’ll also know. It will feel like pulling teeth, and her eyes will be wandering the room most of the time.

Once you figure out what’s what, keep going. With her, or with somebody else.

How To Lead Her

How To Lead Her

The Goldilocks Strategy

Most guys know, at least instinctively, that in order to create attraction, real attraction, in a woman, you’ve got to lead her. But beyond that, it’s kind of fuzzy.

If you go too far, you come across as some insecure, knuckle dragging psycho who most girls normal girls don’t want anything to with.

Not far enough, and you come across as a pushover, like most guys today.

What does “lead her” even mean, any way? It could mean to physically lead her across the room. It could mean lead the conversation. But what happens when she tries to go her own way, as most normal people do? Sure, must guys think they’d like some super obedient girl who would eagerly follow all their orders.

But if you actually met a girl like this, you’d be turned off in a hurry. She would seem like she’s escaped from the nut house, just after receiving her daily injection of whatever drugs they give people in those places to keep them passive.

So no matter HOW you are going to lead her, she’s going to resist. She HAS to resist. The more she resists, the  more you can prove to her how strong you are.

How do you do this? One way to NOT do this is to get angry, either at her, yourself, or the world. It’s not HER job to follow you. It’s your job to lead her.

Another way to NOT do this is to collapse in a puddle of hurt feelings and close down.

Another way to NOT do this is to give up completely, and let her lead.

Believe it or not, girls don’t really like a guy much who NEVER leads, and ALWAYS defers to them. It may make them look good to their friends, and it make not create stress, but it won’t create any attraction.

So, how DO you lead? Well, you first need to go where you’re going. This means you’ve got to have an intention for the particular girl you’re talking to.

Now, this can get confusing. As I’m sure you’ve heard, you need to be “outcome independent” when talking to a girl.

This means you shouldn’t choose an outcome that REQUIRES her compliance, BEFORE you meet her.

But you still need an intention.

It’s kind of like goal setting. When you set goals, you need to make sure they are under your control. If you’re goal depends on other people doing things, you’re going to run into trouble.

But you STILL need to have a intention when talking to her.

It could be to find out if she’s interested in you. It could be to ASK for her number, not necessarily get it.

It could be to try kino three times within ten minutes, NOT to get a certain response from her.

So long as you’ve got an intention, that is based on YOUR actions, you’re doing pretty good.

Stick to them, and you’ll be doing better than most guys.

Who Is Low Quality? Them Or You?

The Global Marketplace

The Solution Is In The Mirror

There’s many qualities you’ve got to have to get a girl interested in you. Many guys are looking for what to say, or how to approach. And there’s no shortage of guys who complain they can’t find a “quality woman.” That the market sucks, or whatever.

But here’s a harsh truth most guys don’t want to hear: The quality of the woman you can get (however you define “quality”) is directly proportional to YOUR quality, as perceived by HER subjective criteria.

The real truth is that most guys have trouble finding “quality women” because they themselves are low quality males. 

Like it or not, male female interactions are just as tied to the laws of economics, namely the laws of supply and demand, as with any commodity.

If she looks at you, and figures she can get guys of your quality without much hassle, then she’s simply NOT going to think YOU are high quality. Which means when she interacts with you, she’s not going to be THAT interested.

Guys of course, perceive this lack of interest as a “low quality woman.” Meaning their eyes aren’t glued to him the entire conversation. She doesn’t call him back as soon as he thinks she should. She shows up late for dates, etc.

If you don’t believe me, here’s an exercise you can do that will force you to understand this painful truth.

On a sheet of paper, or on a word processor, or in excel or whatever, make two columns.

One column is the characteristics of a “low quality woman.”

The other column is the characteristics of a girl that has low interest in YOU.

You’ll find they are identical.

The bottom line is this: If you want higher quality women, you need to be a higher quality man. And high quality not on paper, but in person.

A man who’s ONLY high quality on paper has things like a good job, low credit card debt, his own place, his own car. Anything that she SAYS she wants.

If you REALLY want a girl to BEHAVE in a way that shows deep levels of REAL attraction, you’ve got to be a high quality male IN PERSON.

You’ve got to be self confident, easy to talk to, engage everybody in the group, have an ultra strong frame, ALWAYS be in a good mood. Never butt-hurt because she’s not treating you the way you think you deserve to be treated.

These qualities are very, very rare.

Which means when you take the time to develop them, you’ll have ZERO competition for all those “high quality women” that suddenly start popping up everywhere.

How To Start Conversations With Girls

Why Make Things Difficult

Easy Openers To Maximize Your Chances

Most guys don’t know what to say when they talk to a girl. To be sure, walking up is one thing. But once you’ve stopped your approach, and she’s waiting for you to say something, it can get pretty nerve wracking.

There are a few ways to help. One way is to have a few opening questions. Not memorized patterns mind you, but just a few easy things to say, so you don’t have to come up with something on the spot.

To be sure, when you’re in the moment, you can easily riff off each other. She’ll say something that reminds you of something, which you’ll say, then that gets her thinking of something.

When both people feel relaxed and open enough to share whatever pops in their head, AND there’s plenty of stuff popping in each other’s heads, that’s a pretty good feeling. 

That’s when you’re creating that seemingly magical back and forth energy flow that can take on a life of its own. That’s when the minutes turn into hours, and before long you wonder where all the time has gone.

But getting to that point isn’t always easy, nor is it automatic. It can only happen between two people that have enough in common, and enough natural rapport.

One way to test the waters, when you first start the conversation, is to simply know a few easy things to say.

The best thing is to simply pace the situation. This means to say things that are absolutely true. Things that she’ll naturally agree with. When you do so, mix in a little about yourself, your opinions, your feelings.

This is to let her know that you’re not going to put her on the spot and make her do all the talking.

Something like this is pretty good:

“Hi, I saw you across the room and I thought you seemed interesting, so I decided to come over and introduce myself and maybe find out more about you. My name’s George.”

You’re not putting her on the spot, you just said what happened, so you’re not saying anything crazy. You’ve said something about your intentions, AND you’ve said your name. And because you said “maybe” there’s not any kind of pressure.

Then you simply see how she responds. If she looks like she’s under attack, she’s not feeling it. If she clearly closes off her body language, she’s not feeling it. If she looks around desperately for her friends or a cop, she’s not feeling it.

But if she looks at you, faces you, and gives you her name, then it’s on.

Just keep it easy. Talk about easy stuff. Explain what you’re doing there. Avoid direct questions.

If you say something, and she naturally reciprocates, that’s a GOOD sign. If you’re talking and she’s listening politely, but not really adding much to the conversation, that’s not exactly bad, but it’s not that great, either.

What you’re looking for are girls that are comfortable enough around you, and self confident enough around you, to actively participate in the conversation.

You find someone like this, you’re doing pretty good.