Category Archives: Charisma

Peel Back The Onion Layers

Interpersonal Glue

A long time ago I used to sell cars.

It was an eye opening experience, from a lot of perspectives.

One is I was amazed how happy people were once they’d decided to buy a car.

When they came in, they were fearful, anxious and weren’t sure.

But after an hour or so of going back and forth, when they finally made the decision, they transformed.

I mean literally, before my very eyes.

Before they signed a contract, they were defensive. Closed off. Crossed arms. Unhappy faces.

But after they signed the contract, they looked like little kids on their birthdays.

Before the contract, they acted like I was their arch-nemesis.

After the contract, I was their best friend, and they couldn’t thank me enough.

Most people see sales, seduction, or any kind of persuasion through the lens of trickery.

Like you’ve got to come in “under the radar.” Many people believe the only way they can convince somebody to do what they want is to use some kind of Jedi ninja patterns.

But in reality, but BEST salespeople, and the most NATURAL seducers don’t see it that way.

They see persuasion as HELPING people get what they want.

Nobody is unhappy when they go home with a new purchase. Quite the opposite.

Nobody is unhappy at the beginnings of a new relationship. In fact, that is one of the best feelings we humans can feel.

So why do so many people approach sales and dating as if they were a confrontation?

One reason is people fear rejection. We’re so nervous we’ll get rejected we start to treat the other person as the enemy.

But one thing that will most certainly AVOID rejection is simply taking the time to find out what they want.

That’s why it’s best to start with small talk. Create rapport. Give each other time to get comfortable.

Then slowly peel back the onion layers.

Find out what they want.

THEN you’ll realize how easy it is.

Why is it so easy?

Because on a deep level, all of our wants and needs are very similar.

Sure, if you’re buying a car, you’ve got certain criteria. Make, model, color.

But you also want good value, safety, comfort, security, and validation.

When you’re talking to people socially, or even in a business situation, those vague desires are incredibly easy to leverage.

What does this mean?

It means that you simply talk to them about the things they want, then talk to them about what you’ve got.

If you do this in the right way, meaning relaxed and conversationally, you’ll almost never get rejected.

And when you use these language patterns, it’s pretty simple.

These are the “interpersonal glue” that connects what THEY want, with what YOU’VE got.

Which makes doing what you suggest the most natural thing in the world.

Learn How:

Covert Hypnosis

Memorizing Lines?

Are You Memorizing Lines?

A long time ago I took this improv acting class.

Somebody recommended it to me, and I thought it was about telling jokes.

But it was about something much, much deeper.

Most of us think of improv as comedy. Guy up on stage telling a bunch of random stories.

Even that isn’t really improv. The reason it sounds so natural is those comedians spend plenty of time coming up all kinds of jokes on all kinds of topics.

So no matter what idea or topic comes up, they’ve got a ready stream of prepackaged jokes and stories to roll with.

Kind of like studying all kinds of martial arts moves. The more moves you know, and can reproduce unconsciously, the better you’ll be able to fight. No matter WHAT your opponent throws at you, you’ll be able to come up with an appropriate counter move.

In that improv class we did a lot of “trust” exercises. A lot of stuff where we had to make up stuff on the spot, and “trust” our acting partners not to leave us hanging.

If you are up on stage, and you mess up, and all the other actors just stare at you like you’re some goof, it’s not a good situation.

On the other hand, if ALL actors are practiced in the “art” of responding congruently to ANYTHING that comes up, you can put on a pretty good show.

One that is organic and evolving and nobody, even the actors, know what’s going to happen next.

It’s almost like some “story” floats down from the heavens and the actors simply “hear” their lines microseconds before they speak them.

Some actors are TERRIFIED of doing improv, especially in front of strangers. They would much rather have somebody else write their lines, have somebody else tell them where to stand when they say them, and even HOW to say them.

Even then they feel the need to practice over and over until they are SURE everything will go according to plan.

Unfortunately, a lot of people live their lives according to the “classically trained actor” strategy instead of the “improv actor” strategy.

They want to be told what to do, how to do it, what to happen if X, Y and Z occurs, and they need an entire support crew so that if something goes wrong, nobody will ever blame anybody.

However, with most people on Earth acting like that (lol), is it any wonder most people live lives that can be called “quiet desperation”?

The secret is to go boldly out into your future. Take action, even when you aren’t sure what’s going to happen. Just believe in yourself enough to know what to do.

Scary? Yes. Guaranteed success? Nope.

But you’ll see and experience a world few know exist.

Get Started:

Fearless

How To Create Rapport With Everybody

The Magic Bubble

The Magic Bubble

Here’s an interesting experiment to do next time you’re walking down the street.

You’ll need to be walking one way, with another person coming toward you, with relatively few other people on the street.

Situation one is to pick something out on the horizon, and focus on that. ONLY look at the other person, as you approach them, as a kind of blur in your peripheral vision. 

Situation two is to look at them, off and on, in the eyes as you walk toward them.

If you do this a few times, you’ll notice a pretty clear difference between the two situations.

In situation one, even though you’re not looking at the person, the both of you will automatically and subconsciously move out of each other’s way.

In situation two, when you keep making eye contact, it will be hard NOT to bump right into the other person. As you move, so will they, mirroring your movements.

This is one of the reasons why people can walk down the street staring at their phones and rarely crash into things. Sure, there’s a few funny vids with people falling into fountains and walking into glass doors, but these are FAR from the norm.

Humans have kind of a “sixth sense” both in avoiding others, AND in creating instant and deep rapport with one another.

That’s what’s happening when you make even the briefest eye contact. You suddenly fall into rapport, and if you know anything about rapport, you know it’s all about mirroring and matching. Which is EXACTLY why you always crash into each other. Even doing that uncomfortable but funny little “dance” the closer you get. Both moving the same way at the same time.

When you create rapport with somebody, you transform from two people trying to avoid each other to two people magnetic for each other.

It’s also pretty fun when you do this in a social setting, when everybody is pretty stationary. This is kind of an “out there” exercise, but it also works pretty well.

Next time you’re at a social gathering, whether it’s friends at a party or down at the local pub, try this out.

Sit or stand somewhere where you can get a good view of the room.

Then imagine that YOU and the CROWD are in deep rapport. 

Use whatever mental image you can conjure. For some, this means visualizing chords of light connecting everybody in a big energy lattice structure.

For others, they imagine a big bubble of positive energy emanating from you, and surrounding and protecting everybody else.

Do this long enough, and people will start to notice you.

In a GOOD way.

Easy Mind Shift For Elegant Persuasion

There's A Whole World Out There

Get Out Of Your Head

Few skills are more important than communication.

Mark Twain was fond of saying that there was no difference between somebody who can’t read, and somebody who doesn’t read.

Similarly, it doesn’t matter how many great ideas and insights you have, if you can’t get them out so that people will hear them, there’s really no difference between somebody who doesn’t have ANY ideas.

Speaking up is one thing most people have a hard time with, let alone speaking up eloquently and passionately.

All you need to do is listen to a few best man speeches to see that!

One of most people’s biggest fears is public speaking, for this very reason. Being on the spot, in the center of attention is cause for massive anxiety in most of us.

This is that invisible barrier that stops almost everybody from sharing their brilliance with the world.

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression that, “Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration,” right?

Well, plenty of that “perspiration” is getting your ideas out of your brain and into the brains of those who can make a difference.

If communicating openly, congruently, and confidently isn’t something that comes easy to you, you aren’t alone.

Most people have a few half baked ideas, which come out sounding even less than half baked.

Those that get heard are the ones make it obvious that they believe in their own ideas. They don’t speak them timidly or half-heartedly.

One of the surest ways to get your ideas heard is to present them so they are framed in the interests of the person you are speaking with, or the group you are speaking to.

This is precisely why the best salespeople ALWAYS elicit criteria BEFORE they start their pitch. If they just spit out a bunch of random features and benefits, they may get lucky, they may not.

But when they tailor their communication so that it makes the most sense to the listener, that’s when ideas and desires cross from one brain into another.

The easiest way to do this is to slightly shift your thinking from talking about you, to finding out about them.

Since most people are running around blasting their own ideas regardless of who they’re talking to, you’ll come across like a tall glass of ice water in the desert.

And the more you find out about them, the more you get them talking about things they care about, the less work you’ve got to do.

You’ll find that most of the time, you won’t have to do ANY work at all. After you get them fired up, anything you say will seem like the greatest idea ever.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

The Power Of Slow And Steady Movements

Not So Fast Jack!

Not So Fast!

Stability is an often valuable trait.

A stable job is much better than one that may end any time. A stable relationship is preferred to one where everybody’s cheating on everybody. A stable economy is preferred to one that has booms and busts every few years.

Even if chemistry and physics they talk of stable systems in positive terms.

On the other hand, flexibility is often a desired trait. Being able to roll with the punches, change with the times, or respond quickly to market forces is the sign of a healthy individual.

It’s also good to know when to be stable, and when to be flexible.

Long, long ago, there were a bunch of horse and buggy companies. Then the car was invented. They chose stability, and quickly vanished from existence.

Coke chose flexibility over stability when they conjured up “new coke” and it almost ruined them.

Not so easy to choose which is best, even for some of the biggest and most established companies.

One area when it’s generally better to be stable, rather than flexible, is in your mannerisms and movements.

I once saw a movie about old England, and one of the characters was Walter Raleigh, the guy who discovered tobacco and brought it back to England. He was supposed to be this ultra-bold, ultra-confident explorer upon whom the Queen depended in times of crisis.

Only there was this one scene where he was on this ship, and somebody behind him (A romantic interest) called his name. He whipped his head around so fast, he suddenly looked like a schoolboy responding to the call of his crush.

Suddenly, he no longer seemed like a bold explorer. For me at least, that one quick movement ruined it.

I don’t know if that’s what the director was going for, but I don’t think so, as it seemed wholly incongruent with the rest of the character’s actions.

This is what happens when you are in a social setting, and your eyes are darting around, head turning right and left, like some jackrabbit on crack desperate for attention.

On the other hand, those that are ultra charismatic and confident have a very slow, very steady gaze. Very measured movements. Even there speech is slow and conscious. Not ultra conscious like a politician, but slow enough so they don’t spit out the first thing that pops into their brain.

They use their words and actions like a well honed tool, to get a consciously chosen outcome, which is generally an increase in the happiness of those around them.

They enjoy themselves, they enjoy their environment, and they enjoy whomever they happen to be talking to.

If you’re interested in becoming more charismatic, check this out:

How To Eliminate Social Friction

Slip On Down Into Their Minds

Slippery Skills

When I was a kid we went to this small amusement park.

It had these long slides that required piece of cloth.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t slide very fast, and if you were wearing shorts and caught your skin on the plastic, it didn’t feel so good.

If you’ve ever been on a big water slide, you know much faster you can go when much of the friction (between you and the slide) is removed.

When I was in Junior High School, they talked about a frictionless puck (which was quickly transformed into bathroom humor by all the kids), because talking about friction made everything more complicated.

Air hockey is so much fun because you can hit that puck pretty fast, due to the small cushion of air it’s resting on.

In Japan, they have the mag-lev trains, which can go really, really quickly as there’s no friction between the train and the track. And the front of the “bullet trains” actually look like bullets, as they are designed for minimum air resistance.

Friction is everywhere. And billions are spent trying to minimize it. In games, in amusement parks, in transportation, inside every single engine.

Humans have friction between each other as well. (And I’m not talking about THAT kind of friction that only happens when the clothes come off!)

There’s that social friction that is ALWAYS there. That uncomfortable tension, the small gaps in conversations that seem to last forever. That invisible but powerful force field between you and your boss, or you and that attractive person across the room.

How do you reduce THAT kind of friction?

One way is how you start the conversation. Start off by making it easy on them. Use simple statements that are easy to agree with. Pacing statements, as they are called in hypnosis.

Just mention a few things that MUST be true. Get them thinking in terms of “uh-huh, uh-huh…”

Ease your way into the conversation, making it easy for them to see your perspective.

Spend some time building rapport.

Another way is to simply get rid of all your inner fears and anxieties. No matter how well you hide them (and hide from them) they are there.

And they send off a subtle signal that others can pick up on, subconsciously.

This is why some people seem really friendly, and some people don’t, yet nobody can really put there finger on why.

When you eliminate all that inner chit chat and doubt that often comes up before any social interaction, you’ll also remove a lot of that friction.

This is the definition of charisma. Somebody who just shows up, and the work is done.

People already feel in rapport with them. People have already decided they are friendly and interesting.

People have already decided, on a deep subconscious level, that whatever they are going to say is likely going to be pretty interesting.

YOU can be that person.

How To Be More In The Moment

How To Be More In The Now

How To Appreciate Now

When I was a kid I went to a baseball game with my dad.

We went with a friend of his, who had some pretty good season tickets.

I didn’t know this guy much, don’t think I ever met him before the game, but he LOVED baseball.

Right before the game started, he seemed REALLY happy. He said, “There’s nowhere else on Earth I’d rather be the right here!”

For everybody we’ve all got out “best places” and “not so best places.”

And few of us are rarely in a position to say we wouldn’t want to be anywhere but right where we are.

Naturally, there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, we’ve all got different needs, desires, skills, abilities, backgrounds etc. We’re all only partially through our lives. And most of the time we’re doing things not because we really, really want to, but because of what we’ll get in exchange.

Few people are madly in love with their jobs, for example, but they stick around because they get paid. Sounds harsh, but most people who claim their in it for other reasons would leave in a hurry if their paycheck was cut in half!

This is the human condition. Do what you need to get what you want.

That’s why being able to shift into the “right here, right now” mindset is incredibly powerful.

If you’re talking to somebody that’s not 100% on board with what’s going on, you can feel it.

It’s like dragging your kids to the dentist or something.

When you’re hanging out with a group of very close friends, in an environment you all thoroughly enjoy, that’s when we really feel alive. That’s when that “right here, right now” feeling takes full control of our minds and spirits.

Most people think they need to find the right group of people, or the right situation for that feeling to appear.

In reality, it CAN happen the other way around. Meaning you CAN generate that “right here, right now” feeling in many more places than you can imagine.

Like when you’re talking to strangers, or people you don’t really well. Like when you’re talking to interesting people for the first time. Like when you’re presenting an idea to your boss or coworkers.

When they sense that “right here, right now” feeling from you, it will necessarily amplify whatever you’re talking 
about.

A lot.

How To Develop A Magnetic Gaze

Develop An Incredibly Seductive Gaze

Magical Eye Contact

What exactly is a magnetic gaze?

It’s one of those things you know when you see it. You know when you feel it. Sometimes even before you see it.

First of all, what’s the “magnetic” part? Clearly, this means it’s attractive. Something you want to move towards. Something that grabs your attention, in a good way, so you don’t want to think about anything else.

Second, the gaze part. A gaze is different than a stare. Different than a glance. Different than a look. Different than an intense focus.

A gaze is relaxed, taking in everything. Open peripheral vision, taking in everything, but kind of looking at the center. Like if you’re standing up close to a HUGE but gorgeous painting. In order to see the whole thing, you’d need to stand back a few meters.

But if you’re only a couple feet away, you can gaze at the center, while taking in the outer edges with your peripheral vision.

When somebody looks at you with a magnetic gaze, they are projecting quite a few things at once.

One is they are only slightly looking at you. They are interested in you, but you’re clearly not the most important person in the world, otherwise it would be an intense stare.

Like a starving dog looking a bowl of puppy chow.

They’re also very, very relaxed. Which means they aren’t concerned in the least if you “gaze” back at them, or even stare.

They’re basically saying, “I enjoy looking at you. Whether or not you appreciate that isn’t really important, but it could be. Also, I’m not really concerned with what other people think of me standing here enjoying looking at you.”

This takes confidence. This takes inner control. This takes some practice.

Not practice DOING anything, but practice NOT doing certain things.

Like listening to those self doubts. Like worrying about what other people think about you. Like making your own self confidence and self worth dependent on their response to your appreciation of them.

How can you practice?

One way is to simple go out and “people watch.” Find somebody that you find interesting, for whatever reason. Then just relax your eyes, put them at the center of your gaze, and enjoy what you see.

At first, you may start to worry what will happen if they “catch you.” See how long you can dismiss that worry.

If they do, “catch you,” simply smile, and keep gazing. Then just slowly shift your eyes somewhere else.

Make a game out of it. See how long you can “hold it,” even after they see you. 

The magic comes when they see you gazing, you smile, and keep gazing, and they smile, and gaze right back.

Slow Movements Of Confidence

Slow Motion

Lead With Body Language

A lot of things can be reverse engineered.

For many human qualities, form follows function, and function follows form.

Meaning if you feel confident on the inside, you’ll act confident on the outside.

But if you’re not confident on the inside, you can “prime the pump” by pretending to be confident on the outside.

Fake it till you make it, as they say.

You can change your mood quickly, when sad or depressed, but standing up, rolling your shoulders around, puffing out your chest, and putting on a HUGE smile. You’ll feel pretty goofy at first, but it works.

Especially if you’re walking around other people. Once people start smiling back at you, you’ll turn any negative emotions around, driven by the positive feedback loop.

Sometimes, when you’re not sure what somebody means, you can take a good guess by simply copying their movement, facial expression, and body language. Like you see somebody doing some “weird” body language or facial gesture, you can “try it on” to see what kind of internal emotions it creates.

This why often times it’s good to say things that are true, or you’d like to be true, with your feet on the floor, and open body language.

You can try this yourself, and see the difference. Take something you’d like to happen, like a medium term goal.

Sit in a chair with your legs crossed, feet off the floor, head tilted, and arms crossed. They say your goal.

Now sit with your back straight, feet flat on the floor, palms open on your lap, facing up. Your face squarely ahead, eyes solid, looking in the mirror if you can. NOW say your goal.

It will feel completely different.

This is one of the ways you can tell that somebody’s ultra confident as soon as they walk in a room. They’re eyes aren’t darting around. Their head isn’t spinning at the smallest evidence of interest from others. They aren’t nervously tapping their feet or moving their hands around.

They’re just moving very slowly. Head slowly gazing about, eyes relaxed and open, taking in the whole scene. A slight smile on their face that shows they’re thinking, “Hmmm, I wonder what kind of cool people I’ll meet here?”

And when they see somebody they think is interesting, they don’t circle them wondering how to approach or anything like that. They just look at them and smile and let them know, allowing the other person time to gather themselves before they walk over.

While they do, people are all thinking the same thing:

“Who IS that?”

THAT, can be YOU:

The Easiest And Most Powerful Language

Open Up Their Fantasies

Expand Their Dreams

One of the most under-appreciated set of language patterns from NLP is the Meta Model.

On the one hand, there’s the Milton Model, which is the basis of all covert hypnosis. People LOVE the idea of being able to slip ideas into other people’s minds, either for sales or seduction, or just for fun.

It’s certainly the topic of many movies and interesting YouTube videos. Some super skilled hypnotist who walks up to people, spits out a bunch of wizardry, and then gets the person to accept plain paper for money, or speak Martian, or something else equally funny.

The idea of hypnosis in general is some person passively sitting there, while the other guy does all the talking. The guy doing the talking is so skilled they can weave wonderful stories and deeply layered metaphors to work wonders on the target’s brain.

For guys, just the idea of being able to do this when they are talking to girls is the greatest invention ever. One many guys are willing to spend TONS of time and effort learning.

And guess what? If you DO take the time to learn these patterns, practice them, perfect them, they ARE very, very powerful.

But they are not NEARLY as powerful as the often overlooked Meta Model.

Why?

Because used correctly, the Meta Model is based on bringing out the good stuff that’s ALREADY INSIDE other people.

Not only that, but it’s waaaaaaay easier to learn and use.

All you gotta remember is those questions from journalism. What, where, who, when, why, how, which. And maybe a word like “specifically,” or “exactly.”

Now for some reason, when most people learn the Meta Model, they kind of go overboard. They’re like little kids with a new toy, and want to use it anywhere and everywhere.

Which is pretty easy, because us humans tend to speak in VERY vague language. So here comes some goof who’s just learned the Meta Model, and they are asking all kinds of detailed questions to get more specific details from the person they are talking to.

Only problem is they come across like an interrogation. Nobody likes being put on the spot!

But it just takes a little thoughtfulness to use the Meta Model without making everybody angry.

Only use it when people are talking about things they WANT to talk about. Pay close attention to their body language, facial expressions, and voice tone. If they are keen on getting more specific about something, trust me, you’ll know.

How will you know? It will feel like they’ve been looking for YOU their whole life, and they literally CAN’T STOP talking about whatever they are talking about.

This is the TRUE POWER of charisma. Not using all kinds of language patterns to get YOUR IDEAS into their mind, it’s about getting their ideas out of their mind.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator