Tag Archives: fear

How To Obliterate Fear

Mental Time Travel Exercise

When I was a kid, way back in first grade, we had this swing set at school.

On the back side, there was this fence.

On the front side, was the regular playground stuff.

Me and my friend would dare each other to see if we could face the other direction, and then jump over the fence.

We’d try to imagine the height and distance on the front side, and do many “practice” jumps.

But we could never build up the courage of the REAL jump.

After all, if we landed on top, we might DIE!

Years later, I went back, and was astonished.

That fence, which seemed to be this MONSTROUS obstacle, was pretty tiny.

I mean as an adult, I could easily climb over it. Almost vault over it.

One thing that cops are aware of is how incredibly fault our memories are.

If there’s a crime, and ALL the evidence they have is eyewitness testimony, they won’t even bother.

All kinds of experiments show that even moments after an event happens, different people have different ideas of what “really” happened.

Think about all the “horrible” things that happened to you when you were a kid.

Did they REALLY happen that way?

It sure feels good to think that. Because being a “victim” releases you from any responsibility.

Blaming your parents, blaming your teachers, blaming your upbringing are all common “reasons” why we can’t succeed as adults.

But look around at some of the most successful people.

Horrible childhoods. Sure, some were lucky, but that’s generally the exception, not the rule.

While it is easy, comforting and common to blame your “poor childhood,” it’s not useful.

It won’t make it easy to get rich. It won’t make it easy to develop a fulfilling career. It won’t make it easy to create fantastic relationships.

But how can you “release” the past?

One way is to go back, mentally, and review those situations.

See those events from a different perspective.

When they happened, you were just a kid. You had no experience. You had no idea how to respond.

In fact, BECAUSE you were a kid, you were dependent.

Helpless even.

But you’re not any more. And you can take a journey back in time, and REWRITE that history.

Because it really ONLY exists in your mind. And if you learn how to rewrite your own history, based on your adult perspective, those early events won’t bother you as much.

Sure, you’ll still remember those events as happening.

You’ll just be able to label them with different meanings.

Meanings that make it easier for you to succeed today.

How do you do this?

This Is How:

Emotional Freedom

Always Be Testing

Do You Need Approval?

When I was a kid I love doing experiments.

I always wanted to see what would happen if I did something.

Especially things I didn’t know about.

I’d mix this and that, or hook up this to something else.

Once I even stuck my finger in a light socket just to see what would happen.

When I was in High School, I got kicked out of chemistry lab because I mixed two chemicals just to “see” what would happen.

Most of the time scientific studies aren’t really scientific studies.

Because scientific studies cost a lot of money. Which means somebody has to pay for them.

And the studies have a funny way of turning out in favor of those who are paying for the studies.

But sometimes, you find somebody who does research just to “see” what will happen.

There was this guy in the seventies who did something like that. He would send his team out into the world, and have them behave in different ways, just to see how people would respond.

Like people with business suits were much more likely to get a pass in a restaurant when they’d forgotten their wallets, than people who were dressed casually.

People who wore beige raincoats seemed to be more “upper class” than people who wore black raincoats.

People that walked upright and with confident body language were perceived much more attractive than when they had their shoulders slumped and looked at the ground when they walked.

One thing that turned out to be a very strong undercurrent to everything was somebody’s “congruence.”

The more “congruent” people were, the more attractive and likeable they were.

The less “congruent” they were, the harder they were to get along with. The less people liked talking to them. The less influential they were.

What exactly is “congruence”?

Everything is consistent. Your words match your body language. Your body language matches your facial expressions. You don’t say “yes” while breaking eye contact and crossing your arms.

More importantly, you stick to your intentions. Meaning you don’t keep changing your mind every twenty seconds. You don’t keep asking everybody their opinions to make sure it’s “safe.”

You don’t get halfway through a project and give up because the steady stream of positive feedback from your friends and family suddenly dried up.

You set an intention in your mind, and keep to that intention.

If you think of two different people on opposite sides of this extreme, you’ll get an idea.

People that are ultra wishy washy and are always asking for feedback and approval aren’t very attractive or persuasive.

On the other hand, people that have a very clear idea of what they want, and where they are going, are much more magnetic and charismatic.

How do you become one and not the other?

Here’s How:

Frame Control

Too Much Junk in Your Brain?

How Much Junk Do You Have?

My dad was a packrat.

Whenever he would buy something, he would keep the box.

“Just in case.”

When I was a kid, we had no problem finding a box for any purpose.

If you’ve ever moved from one house to another, you may have been faced with the difficult question.

“Should I keep this or trash it?”

Especially if you are the one boxing everything up, putting it in the truck (or your friends’ cars) and then unloading it.

You look at it and think, “Wow, I’ve had this for years, but I forgot it. Do I really need to keep it?”

Of course, you still think that you might one day “need” that stuff.

A good rule of thumb is that if you haven’t used it in the past year, you can safely trash it.

Some even say you should do this once a year, even if you’re not moving. It can really give you a “fresh” feeling, even though you haven’t really done anything except throw a bunch of stuff in the garbage.

But even this is hard. You might have a favorite shirt, one you haven’t worn in YEARS.

But when you think about throwing it out, you might start to feel sad. Melancholy for the “good ‘ol days.”

Sure, there are extremes. There are people who shun ALL material possessions. They wander the earth in search of truth.

Then there are those people to keep EVERYTHING. They even make TV shows about them. How their entire houses are filled with all kinds of junk they don’t even know they have.

Human emotions are kind of like that. Our deep instincts.

They were formed when life was dangerous. When we had to chase our food, and other critters were chasing us because WE were food.

But it’s not like that any more.

Many of those fears and trepidations are like that old shirt you haven’t worn in a decade.

It might a bit painful to throw it in the trash, but once you do, you’ll feel a sense of lightness that will make EVERYTHING seem new.

And since you’ve got a whole CLOSETFULL of those old fears in your brain that you simply DO NOT NEED anymore, you can start throwing them out one by one.

And slowly replace them with better feelings and attitudes and beliefs. Just like you can replace that old disco shirt for one that’s much more stylish, and will get you much better attention.

Get Started:

Fearless

Secret Social Proof

Has Your Data Been Rigged?

There’s a collection of language patterns called “sleight of mouth” that can pretty much destroy any argument.

Most people are kind of shocked to believe that almost ALL of what we “believe” is true really isn’t.

It’s really only one way of looking at things.

Bottom line is humans a pretty simple creatures. Our minds are hard wired to be very quick, or not very accurate.

One of the many ways this shows up in how we “link” two things out in “reality.”

And unless that linkage is based on exhaustive scientific studies with rigorous double blind testing (something that’s almost NEVER done, btw) we really don’t know for sure.

Since most “studies” are VERY EXPENSIVE, they need to be paid for. And then tend to come out to “verify” whatever the money source wanted to verify.

Anyhow, back to those language patterns. One of them is called the “Model of the World” pattern.

Somebody tells you a limiting belief. Instead of disagreeing with them, or flat out telling them they are wrong (which most people do and only makes them dig in more) you can say, “Hmm, that’s an interesting way of looking at things.”

Then you can conversationally bring up other “interesting ways of looking at things” and let your friend or conversation partner, ON THEIR OWN, realize that there really are MANY models of the world.

However, as humans, this is pretty tough to do on your own.

If you’ve ever seen those goofy hypnotist shows where they convince people there are tiny people in their watch, or the number three has vanished, it’s clear that we are VERY GOOD at ignoring stuff we don’t want to see.

So often times our “models of the world” are really only to protect our egos, or keep us “safe” even though there’s really no danger.

Most people are ruled by fear, but at the same time won’t ever admit they feel ANY fear.

Simply admitting that irrational fear is standing between where you are and what you want makes you feel like you’re destroying your own ego.

When was the last time you heard a friend say, “Well, I’d like to do that but I’m afraid, so I won’t.”

Rarely, if ever.

They usually have some kind of logical sounding reason. Something that makes perfect sense. And keeps them safely in their protective comfort zone.

Of course, you know that the ONLY WAY to get the good stuff in life is to get outside your comfort zone.

And the EASIEST way to do that is to simply admit to yourself that you’re afraid. And then proceed to dismantle that fear, piece by piece.

Get Started:

Fearless

Face Your Fears

The High Price of Fear

Long time ago I went to Toastmasters regularly.

No matter who you are, what you want out of life, or where you’re going, becoming comfortable speaking in front of others is a very, very powerful way to clear out a lot of cobwebs in your brain.

I saw this movie called “Dodgeball,” which was a pretty goofy comedy about a dodgeball tournament. As it was based on a standarch archetype, you had this team of misfits who had to work together to become champions to beat the evil owner of the gym across the street.

So they hired an old “dodgeball” guru, who would teach them the ancient secrets of the game.

They showed up, and he started throwing wrenches at them. Big, heavy, metal wrenches.

His theory was that “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”

Public speaking is the same way. If you can get up and talk in front of others, it will give you the self confidence to do a LOT other stuff.

Anyhow, this one night I was giving a speech on fear. Now, when you give a speech, they say it’s a good idea to start off with a bang. One it will get the audience’s attention. Two it will blast away all trepidation from your brain.

So that’s what I did. I calmly walked up to the podium, looked down at my notes, looked up like I was preparing to make an opening statement, but then I screamed my lungs out.

It was pretty fricking funny!

In economics they have this saying, “the cure for high prices is high prices. The cure for low prices is low prices.”

Meaning if something is really expensive, a lot of people that can make that “something” will figure they can make some easy cash, so more people make it, and it gets cheaper, since there’s more of it.

If prices are super low, more people buy it, which drives up demand, which drives up prices.

You can say the solution to fear is the fear itself.

If you spend your life running away from what you fear, it will always be right around the corner.

But if you walk smack dab into the middle of what you fear, it will vanish.

Poof!

When I gave that speech, I was REALLY nervous before, but as soon as I let loose that howl, it was pretty fun. Everybody was laughing, including me.

Take that, fear!

Of course, if you want to walk across the room to talk to somebody, or ask your boss for a raise, screaming your lungs out might not be a good idea.

But there ARE plenty of tricks to outwit fear and get rid of that imaginary monster for good.

Learn How:

Fearless

Magic Cats

Magic Cats

I saw an article in the news the other day about Diet Coke.

Somebody in Europe did a study and they found a “link” between people who drank diet coke (or other drinks sweetened with fake sugar) and those who had heart attacks.

The way it was presented though, made it sound like if you took a sip of diet coke you were immediately going to drop dead from a heart attack.

The thing about us humans is that there is usually TONS of variables going on at once.

And from a scientific standpoint, PROVING that A causes B is very, very difficult.

In fact, it’s nearly impossible.

So why are we so likely to believe one thing CAUSES something else when they are merely “linked”?

Some evolutionary psychologists believe it was a shortcut in thinking. Like most of our “triggers,” seeing all sorts of “cause-effect” relationships where none exist simply made it easier on the brain.

Now, this type of thinking didn’t do much damage back in the days when life was simple.

But now there is SO MUCH data flying every which way you can “link” some pretty interesting things.

Like certain marketing studies have found that “cat people” tend to like a certain brand of salsa.

Why?

Who knows.

But it certainly doesn’t mean if you EAT that particular salsa a bunch of cats would magically appear.

That would be just silly.

But strangely enough, a lot of us live our lives according to such silly notions.

That girl didn’t smile back at me MEANS that I suck.

The teacher didn’t call on me when I raised my hand MEANS I’m an idiot.

My first attempt didn’t make any money MEANS I’m destined to be homeless.

The truth is that reality is much, much more open to interpretation then we believe.

Which means (lol) that if you only take action consistently, and are open to all the feedback you get, you’ll get a lot more than most people.

Who are PARALYZED by the fear that all of those imaginary “cause-effect” relationships create in their brains.

She didn’t laugh at your joke doesn’t MEAN that she doesn’t like you. It could mean that she’s nervous. It could mean that she didn’t get it. It could mean that she didn’t hear you. It could mean a lot of things.

Unfortunately, one aspect of our brains is that we often and AUTOMATICALLY choose the WORST possible meaning.

Why?

Because those that did so in our ancient history were the most likely to survive.

Luckily, most things you are “afraid” of aren’t going to kill you.

Not even close.

So long as you LEAVE the meaning to anything open to interpretation, and RE-interpretation later, it can mean anything.

Which means you can do anything, get anything, be anything.

Get Started:

Fearless

Slip Right In

Slowly Or All At Once?

I was playing golf a long while ago.

I was sitting in the cart, waiting for my friend to t-off.

I looked up, and written on the ceiling of the cart was this:

“This is why your game sucks. You can’t keep your head down!”

I thought that was pretty funny. Because you have to look up to see that writing.

One of the reasons people can’t “keep their head down” in golf is they want to look up before they are done swinging.

For most people, it’s because they are worried about messing up, so they can’t wait to check.

Kind of like in school, after a difficult test, when the teacher hands them back face down.

You turn them over slowly, thinking that maybe if you “sneak up” on your score, it won’t be so bad.

Some people, when they start conversations with new people, are very hesitant.

Even their movements are jerky. If you could imagine the other person’s “frame” and your “frame” it’s like you sort of “bounce off” their frame a few times before entering, because of the fear of what may happen.

Kind of like jumping into a swimming pool. Some people jump right in. Others take their sweet time.

Those that jump right in get acclimated much quicker. Those that take their sweet time take about a minute with every inch they further submerse themselves.

Then there are those that neither jump or go slowly. They walk right in. They don’t make a big splash, but they don’t standing their with their hands out above the water acting like they are walking into a pool of carbonite.

They walk in, get about to waist or chest level, take a deep breath and purposely submerse their body.

They don’t fear the cold, they embrace it.

Imagine walking up to another person like that.

Some people go timidly, back and forth, taking forever to break the ice.

Others do the opposite. They walk up with some extremely blatant “line” that supposedly makes them stand out as super alpha.

Then there are those that just walk up and start talking. Completely open, and relaxed.

Which works the best?

Imagine you’re the person being talked to. Which do you prefer? Some super timid person? Some super aggressive alpha-type that needs to blow all resistance out of the water?

Or somebody that just walks up and starts talking?

And not just “talking” but “communicating.” Back and forth. Interactive. Not passive, and not aggressive.

How would that feel?

Pretty good.

How do YOU be that person?

Here’s How:

Fearless

False Fears

Going Swimming With Snakes?

Imagine going on a diet.

You read a couple of books and came up with a plan.

You went shopping and carefully bought the right foods.

So you knew that when you ate the right things, in the right amounts, it would be physically impossible to not lose weight.

Only when you ate your food, you didn’t do it at home.

You ate it at the food court in the mall. Or at your favorite restaurant.

Surrounded by friends who were chowing down like no tomorrow.

Could you do it?

I know I couldn’t!

This is the problem with a lot of our instincts. When they are fired up, it’s pretty impossible to ignore them.

That’s why humans have survived all these years.

If our instincts were super easy to ignore (meaning that losing weight was super easy and didn’t require a lot of willpower) then we would have died out a long time ago.

There’s even a few disease that somehow “turn off” the eating instinct.

They don’t feel compelled to eat, so they don’t. And they starve to death. Or they would without medical intervention.

Quickly pulling back from pain is another instinct. Yet there are a few unlucky people who don’t feel pain. Which means they can get an infection, and die before they know something’s wrong.

One of the drawbacks to our instincts is that societies evolve MUCH FASTER than our instincts do.

It’s like we’ve got this caveman brain that still thinks we need to chase after food, and eat as much as we can whenever we see some.

This is one of the primary causes of “self sabotage,” the mis-match between our conscious desires, chosen by living rationally in a modern society, and our primitive instincts.

Social fear is a prime example of this.

You want to walk over there and start a conversation, but your caveman brain thinks you’re about to go wrestle a dinosaur or something.

You’d like to give a speech, but you feel like you’re about to jump into a pit of piranhas.

You want to pitch an idea to your boss, one you’re sure will make you a lot of money, but you feel like you’re sticking your head in a tiger’s mouth.

Now, some say you should “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Some say the only way is to FORCE yourself through those situations.

Sure, that will work. But it takes a LOT of willpower, and some very uncomfortable feelings.

Or you could use some mental techniques.

Practice doing it while FORCING your brain to think good thoughts.

Re-Training that ancient part of you that thinks there’s danger behind every shadow.

When you do that, you’ll notice how much easier life becomes.

Get Started:

Fearless