Category Archives: Approach Anxiety

How To Copy Movie Stars

A lot of our ideas come from the wrong places.

For example, we tend to confused real life and entertainment.

On one hand, movies, TV and books have to be “believable” (unless they are in the fantasy genre).

But on the other hand, they have to be interesting.

The BEST TV shows and movies do well on both counts. On the one hand, they are filled with normal people in normal situations.

Then something extra-ordinary happens to them, and they have to battle the monster (or whatever).

But one thing that is ALWAYS different is how people talk in the movies, vs. how people talk in real life.

In movies and TV, people are always super witty, always say the right thing, and are ALWAYS supremely confident (unless overcoming their lack of confidence is part of the story).

But in real life, most of us are, “um, well, like, um yea, so, uh, what?”

But you CAN use movie characters as a reference point, if you are specifically trying to IMPROVE in the areas of social confidence and “in-the-moment” speaking skills.

Based on the NLP technique of modeling.

First find somebody that behaves in a way that YOU would like to behave. Ideally, find it on YouTube so you can watch it over and over.

Then watch the clip while you are SUPER RELAXED. Release all tension and anxiety. Turn off all backgrounds sounds. Watch it a few times.

First, just as relaxed and open as possible. To absorb all of their micro-movements, behaviors and expressions.

Then watch it a few times, and imagine it’s YOU up there.

Then watch it a few times, but with your eyes closed, and imagine you see the scene FROM the characters eyes.

Try and actually move your lips along with whatever the character is saying.

Now, this does sound pretty goofy, so you probably shouldn’t tell your friends or family about this.

But it is a powerful and very safe way to increase your social skills, if you do this a few times a week.

And since there’s a kajillion different clips on YouTube to choose from, you can pretty much MODEL any situation you’d like to improve upon.

After all, social confidence, communication skills, interpersonal skills, these are things you can NEVER have enough of.

Click Here to learn how.

How To Deprogram Yourself

I read an interesting history book a while back.

It’s premise was that all of human history could be described as a timid, lazy people.

All of the major historical events were driven primarily by two goals.

One to make things less scary, and two to make them easier.

Scared and lazy people making things easier and less scary.

Now, this is just one way of looking at things. One thing about NLP is you learn that “meaning” is pretty flexible.

Sure, if you’re measuring how many grams something is in a laboratory, there’s not much room for coming up with different meanings.

But any time you have anything related to the human experience, or even a biological experience (trees growing, etc.) meaning really IS flexible.

Which is good news when we’re talking about things that scare us.

I’m sure you’ve heard the popular “self-help” description of FEAR:

False Enemies Appearing Real.

Sounds cool, sounds like you know what’s up, but just coming up with smart sounding sayings like that doesn’t really help much when you’ve got to stand up in front of people and give an impromptu speech.

You can tell yourself that your fears are false until you’re blue in the face, but when you stand up, everybody gets quiet and looks at you, it’s kind of hard to logic your way out of being petrified.

So, how exactly do make that “truism” real?

How do we actually FEEL that our fears are false, rather than pretending we’re all that?

Practice, that’s how.

One of the things about being human is we are all born WAY before we are fully developed.

Meaning the first years of our lives, our brains are a sponge.

Unfortunately, we tend to soak up both TRUE things about the world around us, and FALSE things.

Since our brains were designed for a much different time, being “safe” rather than “sorry” makes our young brains a lot less discriminating.

So we learn that a lot of things are scary, even when they’re not.

Problem is that here we are as adults, with those learned experienced programmed into us like they are instincts.

So they those “false” fears FEEL just as real as the REAL fears.

Luckily, we can slowly dismantle the false ones, and keep the real ones.

By focused visualization, mental exercises, journaling and other “tricks.”

It’s not magic, and it does take time.

But imagine what you’ll be able to do when you’re ONLY afraid of things you SHOULD be afraid of? Like escaped tigers and jumping out of airplanes.

Learn How:

Fearless

Eliminate Social Anxiety

One of the ideas from NLP is something called “meta programs.”

These are these semi-rigid filters we all have in place through which we see the world.

For example, one of them is how we are motivated. On one end of the spectrum are people who are motivated externally. Other people. Praise, validation, etc. On the other end of the spectrum are the people who are motivated internally.

They don’t really care what others think or do. They only do something if it “feels” right to them.

Of course, most of us are a mix of both. Few people are completely one or the other.

Another “meta program” filter is “sameness or difference.” When you look into an unfamiliar situation, do you automatically find things that are the same as what you are used to, or different?

Again, most of us are a mix of both.

And while these do operate largely unconsciously, you can bring them up to the conscious level.

For example, when meeting new people, some of us automatically feel nervous, shy, anxious. So we see others as somehow “better” than us. Otherwise it would be impossible for them to “reject” us if we approached them to start a conversation.

One thing that can help is to consciously look at them, before you approach, through the filter of “sameness” rather than “difference.”

Meaning force your monkey brain to think of all the ways you two are similar, rather than different.

If you were walking up to somebody that was TOTALLY the same as you, rejection wouldn’t even come up.

The more you can practice this, the more the fear of rejection will vanish.

Another powerful way to do this is to imagine all of your similar “fears.”

Since ALL HUMANS have a HUGE collection of irrational fears, this is pretty easy.

And since most of our fears are similar, it won’t be much of a stretch.

EVERYBODY doesn’t like to be put on the spot. EVERYBDOY fears rejection. EVERYBODY has deep fears of social exclusion.

Just take a few minutes to think of “that person” (whoever they are, boss, lover, friend, business partner) as having the SAME FEARS that you do, and hold THAT in mind when you think about talking to them.

You don’t even have to approach them. You can do this sitting at the mall watching people walk by.

Just choose people you’d LIKE to approach, but would otherwise be too nervous to.

And then do this exercise. Imagine them being terrified of public speaking, or getting left behind, or anything.

This is one of DOZENS of exercises in the Interpersonal Resonance book.

Do them daily and you’ll be a social magnet in no time.

Get Started:

Interpersonal Resonance

Calmly Speak Your Desires

Most people wish they were more assertive.

In fact, most people misunderstand being assertive.

They often confuse it with being aggressive, or being belligerent.

And as I’m sure you know, all of us have shades of both passiveness and aggressiveness.

However, what really IS assertive behavior?

Well, it’s being able to “assert” something.

And what does THAT mean?

Simply stating what’s on your mind, or asking for what you want.

But it ALSO means allowing the OTHER PERSON to be assertive as well.

Say you see an interesting person. You’d like their phone number.

An example of assertive behavior would simply be to walk up, express that you think they are interesting, and ask for their phone number so you can get in touch with them later on. To know more about them. Because they are interesting.

Now, imagine doing that. Imagine walking up and saying that.

“Hi, I just noticed you standing there, and I thought you looked pretty interesting. I’m pretty busy right now, but how about if you give me your phone number, so I can call you later and we can meet up and hang out?”

Or something similar.

Of course, most people wouldn’t THINK of doing this. That is TERRIFYING!

But on another level, you probably realize that if you DID do this, and could say it with complete calmness and confidence, you’d get a lot of good results.

So how can you get to this level of calmness and confidence?

(And in case your wondering, you can substitute sales, or talking to your boss, or discussing difficult things with your partner, etc.)

The GOOD NEWS is that “assertiveness” is a transferable skill.

Like your chest muscles. If you work your chest muscles, ANYTHING physical you do, that involves your chest muscles will be easier.

Assertiveness works the same way.

To get better, all you’ve got to do is practice.

Any time you have an idea, an opinion, a desire, simply state it. Don’t force it on others. Don’t be belligerent with it, just state it as a FACT.

It’s raining out.

Today is cloudy.

I ate a cheeseburger last night.

I grew up in a one story house.

I’d like your phone number.

I didn’t like that movie.

I think that mustard and pizza go great together.

Don’t EXPECT agreement, but don’t EXPECT disagreement.

After all, you’re saying something that is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. For You.

Always look for opportunities to “strengthen” your assertiveness muscle.

Keep score. Write how many times you did it per day.

Try and keep a slightly increasing daily average.

And watch how easy it gets.

Learn More:

Mind Persuasion Ebooks

Significantly Reduce Social Anxiety

The other day I was at this burger shop at the mall.

I was going to see a movie, and doing some journaling in the food court.

The picture of the burger looked really enticing.

But then when I got it, I was a little underwhelmed.

A lot of products are like this. Big and fancy on the box, not so much when we open them up.

Other products are the opposite. Like this one hole-in-the-wall, hidden behind some furniture store steakhouse where I used to live.

I didn’t even know it was there until somebody told me.

But the food was AWESOME.

When things BEAT our expectations, we feel like it’s the greatest thing in the world.

But when things fall BELOW our expectations, they are the opposite.

Even if the same thing can be AWESOME if we were expecting it to be crap. Or we’ll think it’s crap if we were expecting it to be awesome.

This is one the reason sales and marketing can be really hit or miss.

Since most of us carry around a vague set of ideas, wants and desires, those that come up with sales slogans are always guessing what’s going to work.

If you’ve ever been in involved in any marketing campaign, you know it’s ALWAYS risky.

Even when talking to somebody one on one, when you’re getting ready to “close” it starts to become nervous time.

Whether you’re asking for the date, asking for the sale, or simply getting ready to recommend a vacation destination for this year’s trip, it can be difficult.

Because we all fear rejection, AND we tend to imagine the worst case scenario on some level.

So when we throw OUR ideas out there, and HOPE they are accepted, it’s pretty nerve racking.

On the other hand, when we know a little bit about the person we are talking to, AND we structure our “proposal” in a way to BEST MATCH their “model of the world,” it won’t be nearly so hard.

That same idea of them having a bunch of vague dreams and desires can be used in our favor.

Just present your ideas so they can “fill in the blanks” with their own details, and YOUR idea will seem a lot more like THEIR idea.

Even talking to people that you’ll never see again will be a lot more fun and rewarding.

And they’ll remember you forever.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

The High Price of Fear

Long time ago I went to Toastmasters regularly.

No matter who you are, what you want out of life, or where you’re going, becoming comfortable speaking in front of others is a very, very powerful way to clear out a lot of cobwebs in your brain.

I saw this movie called “Dodgeball,” which was a pretty goofy comedy about a dodgeball tournament. As it was based on a standarch archetype, you had this team of misfits who had to work together to become champions to beat the evil owner of the gym across the street.

So they hired an old “dodgeball” guru, who would teach them the ancient secrets of the game.

They showed up, and he started throwing wrenches at them. Big, heavy, metal wrenches.

His theory was that “if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”

Public speaking is the same way. If you can get up and talk in front of others, it will give you the self confidence to do a LOT other stuff.

Anyhow, this one night I was giving a speech on fear. Now, when you give a speech, they say it’s a good idea to start off with a bang. One it will get the audience’s attention. Two it will blast away all trepidation from your brain.

So that’s what I did. I calmly walked up to the podium, looked down at my notes, looked up like I was preparing to make an opening statement, but then I screamed my lungs out.

It was pretty fricking funny!

In economics they have this saying, “the cure for high prices is high prices. The cure for low prices is low prices.”

Meaning if something is really expensive, a lot of people that can make that “something” will figure they can make some easy cash, so more people make it, and it gets cheaper, since there’s more of it.

If prices are super low, more people buy it, which drives up demand, which drives up prices.

You can say the solution to fear is the fear itself.

If you spend your life running away from what you fear, it will always be right around the corner.

But if you walk smack dab into the middle of what you fear, it will vanish.

Poof!

When I gave that speech, I was REALLY nervous before, but as soon as I let loose that howl, it was pretty fun. Everybody was laughing, including me.

Take that, fear!

Of course, if you want to walk across the room to talk to somebody, or ask your boss for a raise, screaming your lungs out might not be a good idea.

But there ARE plenty of tricks to outwit fear and get rid of that imaginary monster for good.

Learn How:

Fearless

Slowly Or All At Once?

I was playing golf a long while ago.

I was sitting in the cart, waiting for my friend to t-off.

I looked up, and written on the ceiling of the cart was this:

“This is why your game sucks. You can’t keep your head down!”

I thought that was pretty funny. Because you have to look up to see that writing.

One of the reasons people can’t “keep their head down” in golf is they want to look up before they are done swinging.

For most people, it’s because they are worried about messing up, so they can’t wait to check.

Kind of like in school, after a difficult test, when the teacher hands them back face down.

You turn them over slowly, thinking that maybe if you “sneak up” on your score, it won’t be so bad.

Some people, when they start conversations with new people, are very hesitant.

Even their movements are jerky. If you could imagine the other person’s “frame” and your “frame” it’s like you sort of “bounce off” their frame a few times before entering, because of the fear of what may happen.

Kind of like jumping into a swimming pool. Some people jump right in. Others take their sweet time.

Those that jump right in get acclimated much quicker. Those that take their sweet time take about a minute with every inch they further submerse themselves.

Then there are those that neither jump or go slowly. They walk right in. They don’t make a big splash, but they don’t standing their with their hands out above the water acting like they are walking into a pool of carbonite.

They walk in, get about to waist or chest level, take a deep breath and purposely submerse their body.

They don’t fear the cold, they embrace it.

Imagine walking up to another person like that.

Some people go timidly, back and forth, taking forever to break the ice.

Others do the opposite. They walk up with some extremely blatant “line” that supposedly makes them stand out as super alpha.

Then there are those that just walk up and start talking. Completely open, and relaxed.

Which works the best?

Imagine you’re the person being talked to. Which do you prefer? Some super timid person? Some super aggressive alpha-type that needs to blow all resistance out of the water?

Or somebody that just walks up and starts talking?

And not just “talking” but “communicating.” Back and forth. Interactive. Not passive, and not aggressive.

How would that feel?

Pretty good.

How do YOU be that person?

Here’s How:

Fearless

Inside Out Confidence

Get The Big Picture

It’s easy to miss the forest for the trees.

Even that statement is used so often that it can be easy to misunderstand it.

People tend to focus on little details (the trees) so they don’t have to address the big picture (the forest).

Often times, when there’s some big task at hand, we easily get caught up in the little things to avoid facing it.

Like if you need to do your taxes, you might spend a couple hours clearing up your desk. That’s easier, emotionally, than doing all the uncomfortable financial calculations.

It’s been said that one of the reasons Victorian England was so “Victorian,” meaning so focused on sexual behavior and etiquette is because they didn’t want to address a larger issue of their crumbling empire.

We humans don’t like big confrontations, so we avoid them whenever possible. These can come across as lies we tell ourselves.

I won’t try to create a relationship until I lose ten pounds. I don’t want to look for a job until I finish this project. I don’t want to have that conversation with my partner until I’ve cleaned out the garage. And on and on.

One of the ways we do this is when we focus on our external behavior, when we should be focusing on our internal state.

For example, if you’ve ever given a speech, you may have been told to, “maintain eye contact,” or “don’t memorize,” or “don’t shift your body weight back and forth,” or “use gestures when you speak.”

These are all good advice, but guess what?

Somebody who had a strong internal state would do these things naturally, without even thinking about it.

To be sure, you can “fake it till you make it.” Meaning if you started to pretend to be confident and self assured, you’d eventually become confident and self assured.

But that’s kind of a roundabout, and emotionally unpleasant way of doing it.

Why not start from the inside?

After all, those reasons for discomfort are based on what you “perceive” to be “out there,” now what’s really out there.

One way is to simply FORCE your brain to recall feelings of confidence, before and WHILE you’re speaking (in this particular example) instead of letting it run all over the place, like most people do.

Another way is to practice meditation. Strengthen your ability to quiet your mind at will, so you can more easily turn off those doubts and worries, and be much more centered.

Then you’ll open whole new range of behavior and energy most people never experience.

Get Started:

Charisma Generator

How To Develop A Magnetic Gaze

Magical Eye Contact

What exactly is a magnetic gaze?

It’s one of those things you know when you see it. You know when you feel it. Sometimes even before you see it.

First of all, what’s the “magnetic” part? Clearly, this means it’s attractive. Something you want to move towards. Something that grabs your attention, in a good way, so you don’t want to think about anything else.

Second, the gaze part. A gaze is different than a stare. Different than a glance. Different than a look. Different than an intense focus.

A gaze is relaxed, taking in everything. Open peripheral vision, taking in everything, but kind of looking at the center. Like if you’re standing up close to a HUGE but gorgeous painting. In order to see the whole thing, you’d need to stand back a few meters.

But if you’re only a couple feet away, you can gaze at the center, while taking in the outer edges with your peripheral vision.

When somebody looks at you with a magnetic gaze, they are projecting quite a few things at once.

One is they are only slightly looking at you. They are interested in you, but you’re clearly not the most important person in the world, otherwise it would be an intense stare.

Like a starving dog looking a bowl of puppy chow.

They’re also very, very relaxed. Which means they aren’t concerned in the least if you “gaze” back at them, or even stare.

They’re basically saying, “I enjoy looking at you. Whether or not you appreciate that isn’t really important, but it could be. Also, I’m not really concerned with what other people think of me standing here enjoying looking at you.”

This takes confidence. This takes inner control. This takes some practice.

Not practice DOING anything, but practice NOT doing certain things.

Like listening to those self doubts. Like worrying about what other people think about you. Like making your own self confidence and self worth dependent on their response to your appreciation of them.

How can you practice?

One way is to simple go out and “people watch.” Find somebody that you find interesting, for whatever reason. Then just relax your eyes, put them at the center of your gaze, and enjoy what you see.

At first, you may start to worry what will happen if they “catch you.” See how long you can dismiss that worry.

If they do, “catch you,” simply smile, and keep gazing. Then just slowly shift your eyes somewhere else.

Make a game out of it. See how long you can “hold it,” even after they see you.

The magic comes when they see you gazing, you smile, and keep gazing, and they smile, and gaze right back.

Learn More:

Charisma Generator

Powerful Presence And Pure Focus

Here and Now

One powerful ingredient for charisma is presence.

Being fully present in the moment, especially if you’re speaking with somebody.

Meaning you’re not thinking about what happened five minutes ago, or what you think might happen five minutes later.

But what’s happening right here, right now.

Now, if you only did this, you’d have something most people don’t.

Since most people’s brains are bouncing all over the place, several times a second, you’d have a congruence that few people ever experience, let alone have themselves.

If you were in sales, for example, and you could talk about your product and ONLY focus on the words coming out of your own mouth devoid of any worries of the past or worries of the future, you’d be pretty mesmerizing.

However, that’s just the start.

If you can do the above AND only talk about what’s important to the person you are speaking with, then they’ll literally do ANYTHING to keep you around.

Buy your product, agree with your ideas, follow you home, ANYTHING.

(Of course, you should NEVER abuse such power!)

Not only do most people have thoughts bouncing all over the universe, but they are also generally talking about THEIR own worries, fears, needs, wants, etc. AND they are usually gunning for some kind of approval or validation.

Which is why this double whammy, presence and focus, is SO powerful.

However, it can be hard to practice.

Here’s one way. Try this a few times a day if you can. Get somewhere quiet, and sit and close your eyes.

Then find a feeling you’re currently feeling. ANY feeling is fine.

Just feel the pure, now, feeling. Take off the label of the feeling. Feel it as pure NOW energy.

Feel it as strongly as you can, in the here and now. If you can, describe it in your mind, as if it were a real object. Shape, color, texture, size, etc.

Then simply APPRECIATE that feeling, EXACTLY as it is.

This only takes a couple minutes, and you can literally do it anywhere. At red lights, in the elevator, even while somebody else is talking.

Of course, there are plenty other components of charisma, but this simple exercise will take you a long, long way.

If you want to learn more, check this out:

Charisma Generator