Category Archives: Conversational Skills

Social Confidence

Expand Your Social Universe

Imagine if you lived in a large city, but you only went up and down three big boulevards.

Whenever you thought about going shopping, you’d only think of the stores on those streets.

Whenever you thought of checking out a band or seeing a movie, you’d only imagine what was available on those three streets.

Whenever your imagination drifted to the weekend, and you started to daydream about what you were going to do, it would ONLY cover those three streets.

A goofy example, right?

One of the common things they do in hypnosis training is to get people to forget letters or numbers.

Then they say the alphabet, without the vowels, for example, with a straight face.

Or they count to ten without five, thinking it’s normal.

Everybody watches and giggles.

But it’s really a metaphor for how we live.

Most people are interested in hypnosis so they can hypnotize others, or hypnotize themselves and get rid of some of the junk they’ve been carrying around.

But maybe the BEST thing you can do is to first DE-Hypnotize yourself.

So you can see MORE of the stuff that’s around you.

Because the guy in the three boulevard universe is not so far from the truth.

Most of us go to the same places, do the same things, talk to the same people.

Even about the same topics.

Consider that doing things specifically that you AREN’T comfortable doing can be a useful exercise in de-hypnotizing yourself.

Just going places you’ve never gone, or eating at new restaurants or going to new bars can be helpful.

But what is MOST helpful is to talk to people you’ve never talked to before.

Most of us are VERY closed minded. We tend to hang out with people with similar ideas and beliefs, so we reinforce those similar ideas and beliefs.

Pretty soon we think THOSE IDEAS are all that’s out there.

But there is much more than you could EVER discover.

Of course, you won’t get any ideas from buildings. Concrete can’t talk.

But the people there can.

And you’ll be AMAZED at some of the treasure people have to share.

But they won’t come to you.

You must go to them. When you do, you’ll realize it’s well-worth the journey.

Click Here To Learn More

Destroy The Evil One

How To Easily Kill Fear

Reframes can be very powerful.

Especially if after the reframe things seem a lot easier.

Because when we humans give meaning to something, even if the meaning isn’t true, we act as if it is.

This happens under hypnosis all the time.

People can be hypnotized to think a lemon is a cheeseburger.

And when they eat the lemon whole, (in front of stunned observers) it tastes just like a cheeseburger.

Even after, when they KNOW they’ve been hypnotized, they remember it as a cheeseburger.

They “meaning” of that thing they were holding was not a sour citrus fruit, but their favorite food.

We do this to ourselves all the time, but in the opposite direction.

Sometimes before we do something, we imagine it’s going to be really, really scary.

And often times, this keeps us from doing it.

But if we do it anyway (feel the fear and do it anyway) then we realize there was nothing to fear in the first place.

While this technique works (to conquer false fears) it’s not very efficient.

This is why Milton Erickson ditched this method when he invented “Ericksonian Hypnosis” or covert hypnosis.

He used to have his clients to all kinds of crazy things to prove their fears weren’t real.

But then he learned how to destroy their fears by telling stories.

This is the power of reframing.

You can reframe things FIRST without having to “prove” the reframe.

This is essentially what the “feel the fear and do it anyway” theory is.

You reframe the fear through action.

But it’s just as effective (and much more comfortable) to reframe the fear by trying on different thoughts in different combinations.

This way, you can realize things are safe and enjoyable BEFORE needing to prove it.

Click Here To Learn More

Social Confidence

How To Become Master Of The Universe

One famous expression or “truism” from NLP is “The map is not the territory.”

What does this mean?

Any map of reality we have is not reality itself.

We perceive the world through a very small window.

We only consciously see one out of every 25,000 bits of information.

If you count all the data hitting all of our senses, that’s how the ratio breaks down.

Our “pre-conscious processor” has to figure out what’s important, and what’s not important.

It also keeps us safe as best it can.

Unfortunately, it follows the “better safe than sorry” strategy.

Which is why we jump at shadows, an unexpected hand on our shoulder, even if the doorbell rings.

It also keeps us oblivious to things that MIGHT be dangerous.

Some things like snakes and vampires are PURE danger. So our pre-conscious processor forces them into our awareness so we an run.

But some things are only dangerous if we INTERACT with them.

So just to play it safe, it doesn’t allow us to even notice them.

Which means that most of us are working with incomplete and distorted maps of reality.

Our maps filter our own fears and biases.

Whenever we describe reality metaphorically, this is also a map.

Like, for example, in the LOA, they say “radiate your desires and the universe will provide them.”

Clearly, this is pretty vague. It sounds cool, but it doesn’t explain exactly HOW to do that.

How does one radiate, anyhow? And where exactly in the VAST UNIVERSE will our “desires” be provided? Somewhere out by Saturn? Jupiter?

I take this to mean by “radiating” we share our desires. We talk about them, plan them, take steps to make them happen. Demonstrate to the world that we are actively building them.

What about the “Universe?” Do we need to build a spaceship to go out and get our stuff?

I take “The Universe” to mean all the other people we interact with.

Unfortunately, if your preconscious processor is keeping you from noticing those same people, (because part of you doesn’t feel totally confident around strangers) you’ll be missing out on a LOT of opportunity.

Luckily, if you shift your mind slightly so you have a more ACCURATE map of reality, life will be a lot more fulfilling.

Click Here to Learn More

Social Confidence

Destroy Fear of Rejection

Having more resources is better than having less resources.

If you were having a party, you might consider all the snacks and drinks at your place as resources.

If you were going shopping, you might consider a fat wallet a resource.

If you needed a date on short notice, you might consider all the girls’ numbers in your phone as potential resources.

Some things can switch from being burdens to resources.

Like you might consider a garage full of junk as a burden. Every time you look at them piled up in the corner you’d get a bit of anxiety. Maybe realize that some day you’re going to have to clean up all that junk.

But then you decide to have a garage sale. You move all the junk from the back out to your driveway.

Maybe you make a couple hundred bucks. Not only did all the bargain shoppers pay you for your junk, but they took it away for you as well.

Many people look at other people with a mix of desire and anxiety.

On the one hand, they look pretty cool, and might make good friends or potential lovers.

But on the other hand, they could represent potential rejection.

Depending on your background and history, you might have more of one than the other.

You probably know a few people who LOVE groups of people.

They see them as PURE resources. Nothing negative. Only potential positive.

This, of course, tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because they’re looking over the crowd with a positive expectation, they send out a certain “energy.”

So when they interact with people, that positive “energy” tends to generate the result they expect.

Luckily, being able to project that “positive energy” is a skill.

Meaning no matter where you are on the spectrum, you can tilt the scale in your favor.

Until you see EVERYBODY as pure potential. Positive resources you can “use” for any occasion.

Friends, business partners, lovers, whatever you want.

Click Here To Learn How

How To Click With Anybody

How To Click With Anybody

You know a relationship (either with a friend or a lover) is in a good place when you can sit in silence without needing to say anything.

A long time ago, a buddy of mine and I went to Vegas, driving from LA.

We took two cars, he took his girlfriend, and she brought a friend.

Her friend rode with me, and it was kind of awkward.

Sometimes you click with people, and sometimes you don’t.

Having to sit with somebody you don’t click with for a four hour drive through the desert is not the ideal way to pass the time.

Being able to click with more people is certainly a benefit.

Job interviews, parties where you don’t know a lot of people, new coworkers, etc.

All of these situations will go a lot smoother if you click more easily with other people.

Luckily, this is pretty easy.

Most people get nervous, try talking about themselves, and HOPE that they have something in common with the other person.

But it’s much easier just to sit back and let the other person talk.

Of course, most people won’t do this on their own.

They need encouragement.

But once you get them going, it’s easy to find plenty in common.

You can think of it for looking for two specific things.

One is something they enjoy talking about.

Hobbies, their job (if they like it) any big plans they have for their future.

The second is things that you have in common.

Now, most people when they are looking for things in common, they look for “content” things.

Like the same music, the same movies, the same favorite restaurants, etc.

But if you go up one logical level, you’ll have a LOT more in common with a LOT more people.

Say they were a political science major, and they’re talking about how they made a huge mistake when giving a speech in class.

Even if you’ve never been to college, you can find a similar “structural event” in your past.

Any kind of goof you made in front of other people.

That way, even though you have different educational backgrounds, different interests, you’ll have created a connection based on similar experiences.

This requires that you are relaxed and confident enough to sit back and ask the right questions in the right order.

But once you get the hang of it, you can “click” with pretty much anybody.

Click Here To Learn How

Massive Social Confidence

Best State for Effortless Persuasion

Regardless of your reason for talking to somebody, rapport is essential.

With a lot of rapport there’s not much else you need to do.

For example, let’s say you’re thinking about buying a computer.

You’ve got a couple in mind, and you want to go see one up close, so you wander down to your local computer shop.

And you are standing there looking at the three computers you’re thinking off, all sitting next to each other.

And up comes a good buddy who you haven’t seen in a while. And he works at the shop.

You forget that you’re shopping for computers, and talk to your buddy and catch up on old times. Maybe you exchange pictures of your kids or something. You find out he lives nearby and turns out you know his wife from back in the day as well. You’re excited, he’s excited.

Then he asks what you’re interested in, computer wise. (He does work there after all.)

You tell him you’re thinking of model A, B or C.

Without even thinking, he says C is the best and he gives you a couple reasons why.

Now, most people would buy C.

This is because you would have MASSIVE rapport with your buddy.

He doesn’t need to use any goofy language patterns, or NLP tricks.

With ENOUGH rapport, all you really need to say is, “C is best,” and then give them a couple reasons.

Unfortunately rapport is one of those things where people hear about it and say, “Oh rapport, yeah, I already know about that stuff. Tell me the super-ninja secret stuff!”

But with enough rapport, you don’t really need the super ninja complicated stuff.

Sure it will help, it will make them feel much better about whatever they are doing, but it’s really just icing on the cake.

There are a lot of ways to develop deep rapport very quickly with strangers.

Match body language, match movements, match rate of speech. Monitor and adjust accordingly. Move and make sure they follow you.

But under all of that external behavior, you HAVE to be relaxed and laid back on the inside.

Creating rapport on the outside, when you are anxious and nervous on the inside is pretty difficult.

In fact, if you are anxious and nervous on the inside, you’ll FORGET to even create rapport. You’ll be too busy trying to memorize all those ninja language patterns.

But if you are relaxed and confident ENOUGH, they will AUTOMATICALLY not only get into rapport with you, but they’ll naturally follow you as well.

Making everything else very easy.
Click Here To Learn More

Maximum Social Skills

Rewire Your Lower Brain

I’ve got a lot of software on my computer.

Software is one of the things I like to buy, even when I don’t really need it.

(Another one of my weaknesses is kitchen utensils).

One common thing about software these days is it’s self-updating.

Or at the very least, when there’s a new version out, you get a button at the beginning that you need to click.

Easy peasy.

Usually it removes the old software, and installs the new one.

Our brains are kind of similar.

Similar in that it’s the software that drives our bodies.

And it’s been continuously updated the past few million years.

Only it doesn’t quite update the same way.

Because of the logistics and mechanics humans, we can’t really “uninstall” the old version and install the new version.

We just get new software built on top of our old software.

You can see this if you take apart your head and look at your brain.

(Just kidding! Don’t do that, you might not be able to put it back together…)

But we do have remnants of our old brain.

The reptilian brain at the base, the mammalian brain on top of that and then the neo-cortex, on top of that.

Problem is each one thinks it’s in charge.

So we have all these conflicting ideas about what to do sometimes.

For example, until very recently, we RARELY saw somebody we didn’t know.

That possibility has only been around for a few thousand years.

So our brains are pretty conflicted on what to do when we’re in a situation where there are a lot of people that we don’t know.

Part of us wants to check it out and see what’s what. Especially if there are attractive people around.

But another part knows that other people can be dangerous.

Luckily, one of the unadvertised benefits (and it’s not even in the owner’s manual) of our new-cortex is we can reprogram our lower brain.

It’s pretty easy, when done consistently, and can lead to some pretty awesome results.

Click Here to Learn How

Naturally Relaxed

How To Make Other People Relaxed

There’s an ancient saying about how we humans represent ourselves.

The way we present ourselves to others, the way we present ourselves to ourselves, and then how we really are.

Most people rarely get past the first once. You might know somebody for a long time and find out later they were living some sort of secret life.

One of the hardest things in any sales or persuasion is making the person feel comfortable.

Unfortunately, when we read sales books we kind of skip past the part about rapport because we “already know that stuff.”

But since it’s the most important part, if we don’t get that stuff right, we won’t get very far.

Because without a degree of rapport, we’ll only be seeing the “pretend” part of the person we’re talking to.

So when we start to elicit criteria, or find out what’s important, they’ll only be telling us things we WANT to hear, not the real stuff.

One of the biggest obstacles to creating that deep feeling of rapport, so you can see the more of their real self, is anxiety.

Even if you go through all the steps, and spend a long time on rapport, they will automatically be as anxious as you.

Humans are like that.

We tend to resonate each other’s feelings and emotional state.

If you’re nervous, they’ll be nervous.

But the flip side is just as true.

If you are calm and relaxed, they’ll also be calm and relaxed. And they’ll do so unconsciously.

Meaning they’ll just feel calm and relaxed, and not really understand why.

They’ll interpret this as YOU somehow being “different” from everybody else.

So if you’re selling something, or creating a relationship, or just trying to make friends, it will be a lot easier.

Click Here To Learn How

Social Confidence

No More Fighting!

There’re basically three things humans do when we get together.

This is just as true now as it was back in the stone age.

We fight, we trade or we have sex.

And you can think of sex and trade as really part of the same thing.

In fact, all human relationships are based on trade.

Most of the time, it’s subconscious.

You act naturally, and the person you’re with (buddy or lover) acts naturally.

But if you are both satisfying each other’s needs, that’s when you “hit it off.”

Sometimes it’s partially conscious, partially unconscious.

Colleagues, clients, and other times we interact with people and are on some level trying to “behave a certain way.”

To the extent you can interact with a wide variety of people in a wide variety of ways, you’ll make a lot of friends and make a lot of money.

Unfortunately, for most of us, it takes a long time to “warm up” to somebody.

And just as unfortunately, many of those opportunities don’t give us as much time as we’d like to “warm up enough” to take advantage of those opportunities.

Like that job interview that didn’t go so well, yet the more you think about it, the more things you realize you COULD have said.

Or that cute person you saw, WANTED to talk to, but they left before you got a chance.

Any wonder why there’s that section on Craigslist?

The truth is that no human on Earth is satisfied with their interpersonal skills.

This doesn’t mean that we all suck.

It means that there’s no upper limit to your social skills.

Every single person you talk to will be different, and you’ll need slightly different skills.

Even the same people you talk to over and over are slightly different every time.

No matter WHAT your goals are in life, (even if you’re main goal is to get some goals) they’ll be much easier with more people skills.

They’re the grease that makes society function.

And the better you can slip in and out of conversations with different people, the more success you’ll have.

Click Here to Learn More.

Social Confidence

How To See Everybody as Friendly

Some things you learn, and then you don’t need to learn anymore.

Like riding a bike. Once you figure it out, it’s pretty easy.

Then there are some things you learn, and you don’t really need to keep practicing. You’ll still be able to do it, but if you don’t practice for a while you’ll get rusty.

Playing sports or any kind of musical instrument is like this.

Because there are a lot more steps, and you have to go through the four stages of learning, it’s easy to slip back from the top stage (unconscious competence) to the second top stage (conscious competence).

Then there are skills that if you spend any amount of time NOT practicing, they reset to zero.

Anything involving communication with other people is like this. ESPECIALLY when there are emotions involved.

Ask any guy who’s back on the dating scene after being married for a decade or so.

They might have been a mad player when they got married, but if they’re recently divorced, it feels like they’re starting over again.

Why is this?

Why do some skills degrade FAR FASTER than other skills?

Things like sports, playing instruments is very much an EXTERIOR activity.

Unless you’re the lead guitarist for a world famous rock band, it’s EASY to keep your real self hidden while your “exterior” plays the instrument or does the sport.

But whenever we get close to exposing our REAL inner selves, all kinds of emotions come into play.

Which is why you can learn to express yourself openly to one person, but as soon as you try with somebody else, it’s like you’re starting all over again.

All of us were once supremely confident and outgoing. We didn’t care who we were talking to. If we liked them, we laughed and giggled. If they scared us, we screamed and cried.

But then we learned (or were taught through a lot of trial and error) that expressing ourselves is DANGEROUS.

So our brains rely on the “one person at a time” way of learning to express ourselves.

Imagine if you had to RE-LEARN how to play the piano if you switched pianos!

Fortunately, once you UNLEARN that “people are scary.”

Or RE-FINE that learning (from people are scary to grownups are scary IF you’re a baby).

And that will allow you to talk to ANYBODY as if they are an old friend.

Click Here to learn more.