Category Archives: Belief

Frame Control Secrets

Powerful Mental Skills

When I was younger, I used to do a lot of backpacking.

It kind of forced you to be very careful when choosing what to bring.

Some things were AWESOME to have with you, but they were heavy.

So you had to spend a lot of time choosing.

Since you’re carrying all your stuff on your back for a week or so, you want to make sure it’s not weighing you down.

Once I had to take my then girlfriend to the airport. I showed up at her house and she had three HUGE bags.

Clearly, everything has its advantages and disadvantages.

This goes with pretty much everything.

Even the basics of human biology has costs. Sure, it’s great to get energy from food. But finding it can suck, especially if you’re a caveman. And you’re being chased by a tiger and you have to stop use the caveman toilet, it’s not so convenient.

In economics they have something called an “opportunity cost.” Which means whenever you decide to do something, you’re subconsciously choosing to NOT do a bunch of other things.

You can go out and hang with your friends, but you might miss out on some amazing TV shows!

You could agree to an exclusive relationship with that girl or guy you’ve been seeing, but that means that EVERYBODY else on earth is off limits.

You could buy that cheeseburger for $2, but that means you’re also deciding that everything else on earth that’s also $2 is not what you want.

Of course, when you’re eating that delicious cheeseburger, you’re not focusing on what you DON’T have, you’re focusing on what you DO have.

If our brains weren’t pretty good at this, we’d NEVER be able to decide anything.

Then again, a lot of times we over think things. Instead of focusing on a positive outcome, or even a likely outcome, we allow our caveman brains to come up with the WORST outcome, and then use THAT, however UNLIKELY it is, to define our actions.

That’s the problem with having such quick thinking brains. Sure, they help us decide lickity-split, but we can also send ourselves on horrible mental loops.

Being able to manage your own brain, and manage the thoughts you think and HOLD is a POWERFUL skill to have.

For example, what if you were to imagine the BEST POSSIBLE outcome when you were considering doing ANYTHING, and you had the skill to ONLY think about THAT? Would that make taking action a lot easier?

Of course it would!

This is the power of holding a frame. Of not being knocked off balance by reality, other people, or even your inner caveman (or cavewoman).

It IS a skill, which means you MUST practice.

But when you do, you’ll be pretty pleased with yourself.

Get Started:

Frame Control

Frame Wars

How To Watch Frame Games

Listening in to other people’s conversations can tell you a lot about human nature.

Now, I don’t mean sneaking over to your neighbor’s house and putting you ear to their door.

I mean when you’re hanging out with your friends.

It can be a lot of fun to take the “observer” position from time to time.

Keep in mind this is different than using that as an excuse for not getting involved.

But next time you’re hanging out with three or four people, keep quiet for a few minutes and just notice the exchange.

Notice how people “put their ideas out there,” notice people’s eye movements and facial expressions when they speak, and more importantly, when they finish speaking.

Some people quickly look around, hoping their idea is accepted, or hoping it’s not rejected.

Some people look away, like they can’t bear to see.

Some people stare at others, as if they are aggressively daring others to contradict them.

Now, this all happens subconsciously, and few people will EVER be aware that this is going on.

But it is.

Always.

Evolutionary scientists tell us that all human interaction is a kind of “frame war,” which is a remnant of our evolutionary past.

When we were hunter-gatherers, our social status was absolutely crucial.

Those that had MORE social status got more sex, and food. And then passed on those “get more social status genes” to more kids.

Amongst animals, there’s an idea of a “pecking order.” It literally comes from chickens, who are in a group with a certain hierarchy. The “dominant’ ones get to eat, or peck first when food shows up. Then on down the line.

Whenever a new member is introduced into the group, there’s a kind of “domination showdown” to establish the NEW pecking order.

Our human instincts are based on operating within a group of about 300 people.

Which means all the people you interact with are, on a caveman level, people who you are UNSURE about, with regards to THEIR level in the pecking order.

Which is why you see all these “frame wars” in conversations, even amongst friends.

Because part of our subconscious is ALWAYS trying to move up the social chain.

Now, if you point this out to people, they will deny it. Because admitting consciously that you want more social status sounds pretty shallow. And admitting this out loud will actually LOWER your social status.

Which is why EVERYBODY is hard wired to keep it on the down low.

Which is why watching people talk is so much fun. Like watching a boxing match.

Of course, there are plenty of ways to INCREASE your ability to carefully and COVERTLY move up the social chain, without anybody knowing.

They’ll just know there’s something different about YOU.

Something that makes them want to agree with you. Support you. Follow you.

Think that would be useful?

Learn How:

Frame Control

Can You Make This?

The Recipe For Success

If you wanted to make a cake, you’d need certain ingredients.

Sure, it depends on the cake.

Once I made a chocolate cheesecake. Pretty simple. Cream cheese, sugar, and some chocolate sauce. Mix it up and Bob’s your Uncle.

Other cakes require a lot of preparation, and often times a lot of practice. Since there aren’t that many steps in making a chocolate cheesecake, and the steps are so simple even a goof like me can do it, you don’t need to practice.

Just read the recipe, and you’re good.

But if you were going to make some super complicated upside down strawberry souffle (whatever THAT is, lol) you’d need a LOT of skills.

Basically the more variables are involved, the more skills you need, and the more practice you need.

Think about something as simple as balancing a plate or spinning a basketball on your finger.

Not a lot of variables, so you could learn how in a few minutes.

Now think of something much more complicated like juggling chainsaws.

MANY variables, so you’d need a LOT more practice.

And not just practice doing the WHOLE thing, (juggling the chainsaws) but every individual component would need work.

Juggling itself. Handling a chainsaw. Spinning ONE chainsaw around, etc.

Life is THE MOST complicated thing you’ll ever do.

Sure, you can sit around and hope for good things to happen.

Many people do that. And many people don’t get much.

Or you can TAKE CONTROL of your own life. Decide what you want, and make THAT your life’s purpose.

Naturally, you’ll need a lot of skills.

You will NEVER get to the point where you have ENOUGH skills.

You will ALWAYS need to keep learning.

Most people don’t like hearing this. They’d rather be TOLD what to do, only have to do it ONCE, and then somehow sit back while the money keeps rolling in.

People that continue to create greatness know that’s just a fairy tale.

What skills do you need?

One is being able to bounce back from setbacks.

Because they will ALWAYS happen. If you aren’t getting setbacks, you are doing something wrong.

Because embedded in EVERY SINGLE SETBACK is a valuable lesson.

What lesson?

That’s up for you to decide, based on where you’re going, and based on what the setback is.

NOBODY is going to tell you.

Again, most people don’t hearing this.

They want to be led by the hand to riches, prosperity, six pack abs, and great sex with beautiful people.

One thing that will make bouncing back from setbacks MUCH easier is how you DEFINE them.

If each setback “means” that you suck, it will be hard to keep going.

But if you REFRAME setbacks to mean “I just learned something valuable,” then you’ll keep charging ahead.

Whether the setbacks come conversationally, or in complicated life situations.

The setbacks don’t control you, you control the setbacks.

To learn how, check this out:

Frame Control

Always Be Testing

Do You Need Approval?

When I was a kid I love doing experiments.

I always wanted to see what would happen if I did something.

Especially things I didn’t know about.

I’d mix this and that, or hook up this to something else.

Once I even stuck my finger in a light socket just to see what would happen.

When I was in High School, I got kicked out of chemistry lab because I mixed two chemicals just to “see” what would happen.

Most of the time scientific studies aren’t really scientific studies.

Because scientific studies cost a lot of money. Which means somebody has to pay for them.

And the studies have a funny way of turning out in favor of those who are paying for the studies.

But sometimes, you find somebody who does research just to “see” what will happen.

There was this guy in the seventies who did something like that. He would send his team out into the world, and have them behave in different ways, just to see how people would respond.

Like people with business suits were much more likely to get a pass in a restaurant when they’d forgotten their wallets, than people who were dressed casually.

People who wore beige raincoats seemed to be more “upper class” than people who wore black raincoats.

People that walked upright and with confident body language were perceived much more attractive than when they had their shoulders slumped and looked at the ground when they walked.

One thing that turned out to be a very strong undercurrent to everything was somebody’s “congruence.”

The more “congruent” people were, the more attractive and likeable they were.

The less “congruent” they were, the harder they were to get along with. The less people liked talking to them. The less influential they were.

What exactly is “congruence”?

Everything is consistent. Your words match your body language. Your body language matches your facial expressions. You don’t say “yes” while breaking eye contact and crossing your arms.

More importantly, you stick to your intentions. Meaning you don’t keep changing your mind every twenty seconds. You don’t keep asking everybody their opinions to make sure it’s “safe.”

You don’t get halfway through a project and give up because the steady stream of positive feedback from your friends and family suddenly dried up.

You set an intention in your mind, and keep to that intention.

If you think of two different people on opposite sides of this extreme, you’ll get an idea.

People that are ultra wishy washy and are always asking for feedback and approval aren’t very attractive or persuasive.

On the other hand, people that have a very clear idea of what they want, and where they are going, are much more magnetic and charismatic.

How do you become one and not the other?

Here’s How:

Frame Control

The Biggest Skill of All

Here’s a quick and easy exercise that will help you maintain a strong frame.

Holding a frame is a skill like any other skill.

However, the way people talk about it, it can sound like there some “technique,” like how do I make a cherry cheesecake.

Once you’ve got the recipe down for a cherry cheesecake, it’s pretty easy.

But something like holding a frame, a skill, takes a lot of practice.

Like hitting a curveball or being able to juggle.

These aren’t impossible things, but you wouldn’t be able to learn them by reading a “how to” guide.

So, how do you practice holding a frame?

Simple. Choose a frame, and hold it!

Just like juggling, or hitting a curveball, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

But unless you are VERY specific and consistent, your “frame” that you are “holding” will be all over the place, which means you won’t exactly be practicing “holding” a frame. You’ll be practicing watching your frame be yanked all over the place!

What is a frame? It’s the meaning of an interaction, or a situation.

So, you can practice by going through similar situations, and HOLDING the same intention.

Like every time you walk into a store, you can set the “meaning” of that situation as you buying what you want.

Sounds simple. Sounds obvious.

But if you’ve EVER walked into a store to buy something, and had your thoughts PULLED AWAY by something you DIDN’T plan, then you lost the frame.

Maybe you saw something you wanted instead.

Maybe you saw a cute guy or girl, and tried to think of something to say.

These are all EXAMPLES of the situation REFRAMING you.

So, how can you PRACTICE holding the frame?

Before you go into the store, choose what your intention is. Buying a sandwich. Buying a case of beer. Whatever.

When you are IN the store, for the entire time, DO NOT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

Do not look at other stuff. Do not wander around. Do not smile at cute girls.

ONLY keep your mind focused on what you are there for. Get in, buy the thing, and get out.

Let NO OTHER THOUGHTS come into your mind.

This may seem simple. This may seem goofy. This may seem like something that you “already know.”

But when you can hold ANY FRAME YOU CHOOSE, regardless of what other people say or do, or whatever “happens,” you will be able to rule the world.

Who rules the world?

The dude with the strongest frame. Not the smartest guy. Not the richest guy. The guy who can HOLD HIS INTENTION regardless of what happens.

OK, maybe you don’t want to rule the world.

Maybe you just want to make a ton of cash, and build some AWESOME relationships.

The stronger your ability to SET and HOLD any frame, the easier that will be.

Get Started:
Frame Control

Stop Taking Magic Pills

Do You Take Magic Pills?

When I was a kid I used to love the Brady Bunch.

There was one episode where they were at some amusement park.

The mom told the two youngest kids they could go off on their own, but not to eat anything.

Otherwise, they would spoil their dinner!

So every opportunity they could, the kids ate. But they didn’t call it “eating.”

We’re not eating, we’re “tasting.”

We’re not eating. We’re just putting the ice cream in our mouths, and it’s going down our throats on its own.

Etc.

The truth is that any kind of meaning we put on anything is INCREDIBLY flexible.

Of course, our brains are hard wired to see danger in many places where it doesn’t exist.

Those that didn’t have this “danger around every corner” gene were removed from society.

Even if they were “wrong” one time out of a hundred, that was enough to end their genetic lineage.

Which is why some things are harder to “reframe” than others.

Like when there’s any question of social safety, your automatic brain response is “better safe than sorry.”

Only we don’t live in a society where getting any kind of social disapproval is dangerous. Sure, in our ancient history maybe, but not any more.

Which is why a lot of NLP “tricks” don’t really last. Imagine you’ve got two circuits in your brain.

One for “fear.” One for “pleasure.”

Sure, you COULD do a Swish Pattern, and practice replacing your “fear” response with “pleasure.” And it might feel cool when you do it.

But unless you drill it into your brain, several times, it won’t stick.

Imagine thinking that all you had to do to lose weight was to do ONE sit up.

Or if you were training for a marathon you only needed to go jogging ONCE.

Or if you wanted to learn how to play Moonlight Sonata, you needed to watch it on YouTube a couple of times.

But for some reason, this is how a lot of people “do” NLP.

Some kind of “once and done” magic fix.

Remember, we’re talking about rewiring ANCIENT brain patterns that’s kept us safe for MILLIONS of years.

Before we were even humans.

It’s going to take a while!

But each time is easy. Five minutes a day. A little journaling. A little daily introspection.

Make this a daily PRACTICE, rather than a magic pill, and you’ll be on the path to greatness.

And since most people are WAY too lazy to do ANYTHING other than take a magic pill, you’ll be WAY ahead of the game.

Get Started:
Frame Control

Real Or Fake?

What Is Your Structure?

I watched an interesting movie a couple nights ago.

About these young adults who broke into this distillery in Scotland.

There was this super famous, super expensive brand of Scotch. They only made one barrel every hundred years or something.

And once a year they would auction off a bottle. It would sell for tons of cash.

So these guys decided they’d sneak it, siphon off a pint, then put back in a pint of regular stuff.

Then they’d sell the pint on the black market.

(I guess in movieland there’s a black market for everything).

But I couldn’t help but wonder, how does the buyer know the stuff is for real?

I mean, if you’re buying gold or cocaine or something, you can do a chemical test.

But super old and super expensive whiskey is pretty subjective, at least to me.

It kind of reminds of a YouTube video where they took this world famous violinist. Some guy people pay hundreds of dollars to see perform.

And they had him play in a subway all day. Nobody recognized him. He only collected a few bucks in his hat.

Same guy, different skills, but vastly different location.

Another guy, a college student, did a similar experiment. He hired a cameraman, a couple of groupies, and some kind of publicist to follow him around in the local mall.

He even invented a fake name.

Pretty soon, people were tweeting all kinds of pictures of him, and his fake name.

And everybody was pretending he really WAS famous.

Then there’s that famous movie, based on a true story, “Catch Me If You Can,” about a guy who pretended to be doctors, pilots, lawyers, and made tons of money.

Bottom line is you “pretend” to be important, people will assume you are.

The flip side is also true. If you “pretend” that you’re worthless, unsure, not confident, that’s EXACTLY how the world will treat you.

The truth about us humans is that are MUCH more dependent on STRUCTURE than we realize.

The structure of language is grammar. The structure of “self confidence” is good posture, slow confident speech, slow, measured movements, steady eye contact etc.

Collectively, the “structure” of any “conversation” is the Frame.

And more often than not, the FRAME is the driving factor. Not your clothes. Not your bank account. Not your accomplishments.

If you can control the frame, pretty much everything you say will be taken VERY seriously.

Learn More:

Frame Control

Balance This

Are You Balancing Pencils?

When I was in high school I was a pole vaulter.

After our first official track meet, me and the other three pole vaulters realized something pretty cool.

And that was few other high schools in our region had pole vaulters.

Which meant when we’d show up to meets, everybody else would have a tough competition.

Except for us. We’d automatically get first, second and third.

Which meant that during regular practice, we’d goof off.

Not like the coach could motivate us by saying, “C’mon you guys, we’ve got a tough match coming up!”

One of the ways we’d goof off is balance the poles on our chins.

They were too heavy to balance on our noses, we’d use our chins instead.

Instead of practicing our form, or doing upper body strengthening drills, we’d compete to see who could balance the pole on their chin the longest.

Funny thing was (not really funny when you understand the physics) was that balancing a pole on your chin is much easier than balancing a pencil on your nose.

Because the pole is heavy and long, it shifts its weight slowly. So you can move around underneath it, keeping it balanced.

Compared to a pencil, which can fall over a lot more quickly than you can compensate for a shift in balance.

Most everything you’ll do requires balance. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find something that DOESN’T require balance.

Life is one gigantic interaction between people, who are filled with always changing interdependent variables.

Which is why some people do EVERYTHING to avoid participating.

Sitting on the couch watching TV is one way. ZERO balance required. Except if you’re sitting there with a big bowl of chips on your belly, you’ve got to be careful not to tip it over as you shovel that fried saltiness into your face.

But as soon as you step outside, you’re going to need to balance. Walking even.

Something that took you YEARS to learn, you now do without thought.

When you have a conversation, you balance your ideas with their ideas.

When you start an exercise program, you’ve got to balance too much with too little.

When you try something new, you’ve got to balance expectations. Expect easy perfection, or imminent doom, and you’ll be wrong.

Every single person who has created greatness has experienced setbacks. MASSIVE ones.

But it wouldn’t be a worthy path unless you HAD to be bested by obstacle along the way. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Even the greatest running backs of all time get knocked on the ass more often than not.

Rarely do they break through giant holes and sprint for the endzone.

Why should YOUR life be any different?

Be bold. Expect challenges. Blast through them when you can. Pick yourself up and have another go when you don’t.

Get Started:

Fearless

You Can Do Anything

What Do You Practice?

I was talking to a friend of mine who had to give a big presentation recently.

It was some advanced business to business concept. Some device used in big factories.

He had to give a PowerPoint presentation to about fifty people, all from different countries.

I asked him if he was nervous, and he said no. He’d done it many times before, so he wasn’t nervous.

As the old joke goes, the guy walking down the street asks the stranger, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” To which the stranger replies: “Practice.”

Meaning if you want to become highly skilled in anything, all you’ve got to do is practice.

For a lot of people, this is horrible news. They’d like to take some magic pill, or have the information drilled into their brain Matrix-like (or like on the TV show “Chuck”) and then suddenly be excellent.

Part of the reason is that people that are really good at something have practice so much, they’ve reached the final stage of learning:

Unconscious Competence.

They’re so good they don’t have to think about what they’re doing. They make it look easy. So much that we start to think that it’s not fair. After all, that guy or girl up on stage is just having fun, yet making millions of dollars.

But what we DON’T see is the tens of thousands of hours they’ve practiced again and again. Many times at the expense of a normal social life.

On the other hand, there are people who LOVE the idea of “practice makes perfect.”

This means ANYBODY can do ANY THING. So long as they put in enough practice, and give themselves enough time.

But alas, most of us are incredibly lazy. That guy on the late night TV commercial says we can get rich with no experience and no money down.

That one gizmo that slides under your bed can give you a six pack in only three minutes a day.

The secret of success is that there IS no secret.

Sure, some people are born lucky. But most of us aren’t.

The REAL secret is that if you simply practice something long enough, you’ll be excellent at it.

Excellent enough to make tons of cash, create magnificent relationships, and get whatever you want.

This goes with real skills, like becoming a master chef or a virtuoso violinist.

It also goes with mental skills. Like developing positive beliefs and demolishing false fears.

Practice the right mental exercises, and you’ll be fearless in no time.

Combine this with some real world practice, and the world is yours.

Get Started:

Fearless

Too Much Junk in Your Brain?

How Much Junk Do You Have?

My dad was a packrat.

Whenever he would buy something, he would keep the box.

“Just in case.”

When I was a kid, we had no problem finding a box for any purpose.

If you’ve ever moved from one house to another, you may have been faced with the difficult question.

“Should I keep this or trash it?”

Especially if you are the one boxing everything up, putting it in the truck (or your friends’ cars) and then unloading it.

You look at it and think, “Wow, I’ve had this for years, but I forgot it. Do I really need to keep it?”

Of course, you still think that you might one day “need” that stuff.

A good rule of thumb is that if you haven’t used it in the past year, you can safely trash it.

Some even say you should do this once a year, even if you’re not moving. It can really give you a “fresh” feeling, even though you haven’t really done anything except throw a bunch of stuff in the garbage.

But even this is hard. You might have a favorite shirt, one you haven’t worn in YEARS.

But when you think about throwing it out, you might start to feel sad. Melancholy for the “good ‘ol days.”

Sure, there are extremes. There are people who shun ALL material possessions. They wander the earth in search of truth.

Then there are those people to keep EVERYTHING. They even make TV shows about them. How their entire houses are filled with all kinds of junk they don’t even know they have.

Human emotions are kind of like that. Our deep instincts.

They were formed when life was dangerous. When we had to chase our food, and other critters were chasing us because WE were food.

But it’s not like that any more.

Many of those fears and trepidations are like that old shirt you haven’t worn in a decade.

It might a bit painful to throw it in the trash, but once you do, you’ll feel a sense of lightness that will make EVERYTHING seem new.

And since you’ve got a whole CLOSETFULL of those old fears in your brain that you simply DO NOT NEED anymore, you can start throwing them out one by one.

And slowly replace them with better feelings and attitudes and beliefs. Just like you can replace that old disco shirt for one that’s much more stylish, and will get you much better attention.

Get Started:

Fearless