Category Archives: Communication

Speak To Be Heard

How To Get Them To Love Your Message

I watched this interesting documentary the other day on Netflix.

Kind of positive but sad at the same time.

About an American family that wanted kids, but couldn’t have them, so they adopted a couple from Russia.

These kids were already speaking, so they could speak Russian but not English.

Positive because the parents were trying to improve all of their lives (theirs and the kids).

But sad because they had troubles communicating.

They kept trying to lecture the kids in English, but you could tell the kids didn’t really know what the parents were saying.

Once I was in Thailand, haggling over the price of some tourist knick-knack from a street vendor.

Not only did she not speak English, but she didn’t speak. Deaf-mute.

But we communicated perfectly. In fact, I enjoyed the conversation very much.

One thing I get a kick out of is haggling over prices, especially if the other guy or girl likes haggling as well, as this lady clearly did.

But even though we could only use gestures, we got our messages across perfectly.

They say in NLP that the purpose of your communication is the outcome you get.

Meaning it doesn’t matter WHAT your intention is, it ONLY matters how the other person will perceive your message.

In a tragic case showing this, a Japanese student was in Texas looking for a Halloween party. He was dressed up, and went into the wrong house.

The owner pointed a gun at him and told him to FREEZE.

But the Japanese guy misunderstood, kept moving forward, and was killed.

If it’s really important for you to get your message across, it may be a good idea to take a little time to make sure it’s heard.

The adoptive parents didn’t, and it cause problems.

The sidewalk vendor did, and made a sale. I was HAPPY to give her my money, if only for the experience.

So, how do you know how to best present your message?

How do you know it will be heard, and understood?

Ask!

If you ask other people what they want, BEFORE you throw a random jumble of word salad at their brains, you’ll have a much better chance of your message getting across.

And them taking your advice, or buying your product, or giving you their phone number.

The truth about us humans is we are a walking, talking collection of unmet needs and desires.

Once we get them satisfied, we want something else.

Even where you are right now, as you read this, it will be hard to sit or stand very long before you shift your position.

We are ALWAYS on the lookout to improve our state.

Sometimes subconsciously, in the second to second short term.

Sometimes consciously, in the year to year long term.

If you KNOW what they want, and frame YOUR message in terms of THEIR desires, they’ll LOVE listening to you.

Learn How:

Interpersonal Resonance

The Outside Is Not Always What Is On The Inside

Significantly Reduce Social Anxiety

The other day I was at this burger shop at the mall.

I was going to see a movie, and doing some journaling in the food court.

The picture of the burger looked really enticing.

But then when I got it, I was a little underwhelmed.

A lot of products are like this. Big and fancy on the box, not so much when we open them up.

Other products are the opposite. Like this one hole-in-the-wall, hidden behind some furniture store steakhouse where I used to live.

I didn’t even know it was there until somebody told me.

But the food was AWESOME.

When things BEAT our expectations, we feel like it’s the greatest thing in the world.

But when things fall BELOW our expectations, they are the opposite.

Even if the same thing can be AWESOME if we were expecting it to be crap. Or we’ll think it’s crap if we were expecting it to be awesome.

This is one the reason sales and marketing can be really hit or miss.

Since most of us carry around a vague set of ideas, wants and desires, those that come up with sales slogans are always guessing what’s going to work.

If you’ve ever been in involved in any marketing campaign, you know it’s ALWAYS risky.

Even when talking to somebody one on one, when you’re getting ready to “close” it starts to become nervous time.

Whether you’re asking for the date, asking for the sale, or simply getting ready to recommend a vacation destination for this year’s trip, it can be difficult.

Because we all fear rejection, AND we tend to imagine the worst case scenario on some level.

So when we throw OUR ideas out there, and HOPE they are accepted, it’s pretty nerve racking.

On the other hand, when we know a little bit about the person we are talking to, AND we structure our “proposal” in a way to BEST MATCH their “model of the world,” it won’t be nearly so hard.

That same idea of them having a bunch of vague dreams and desires can be used in our favor.

Just present your ideas so they can “fill in the blanks” with their own details, and YOUR idea will seem a lot more like THEIR idea.

Even talking to people that you’ll never see again will be a lot more fun and rewarding.

And they’ll remember you forever.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Beat The Numbers Game

How To Beat The Numbers Game

I’ve had a lot of sales jobs.

Some were pretty fun, most were pretty boring.

A lot of what my friend called “junk jobs.”

Meaning they have some kind of gimmick, and they go through hundreds of applicants a week.

They convince you it’s easy to make a killing, but the downside is they’ll ONLY pay based on commissions.

I’ve seen a lot of well thought out scams. Products that aren’t really products, but the guys who came up with these are doing pretty good.

They figure if they “hire” a hundred people a week, they might get a couple to do pretty well.

So from the pure “number theory” angle, they’re getting a couple of “natural salespeople” on a weekly basis.

This means they don’t have to spend any time of training, since they’re not really “training” they are “sorting.”

This “numbers theory” works from a lot of angles. If you’re selling door to door, or picking up girls at the mall, or sending out resumes. So long as you keep your “numbers” high enough on the front end, you’ll eventually get success on the back end.

This requires no skills. No development. Just taking the person you are, right here, right now, and spending a lot of time and effort to find the PERFECT match.

Send out enough resumes, and eventually you’ll find the PERFECT job. Perfect partner. Perfect house, apartment.

Problem comes with the “enough” gets way up into the thousands. Or the tens of thousands.

It also requires taking a good hard look at what you define by “perfect.”

And what you are willing to do to get it.

For example, let’s say you were offered the PERFECT job. But it required you move 3,000 miles away.

In reality, there is no such thing as “perfect.” It’s more like gradients between “really good” and “really lousy.”

So when people are playing the numbers game, they’re looking for something (job, partner, sales, etc.) that’s not perfect, but “good enough.”

It’s hard to admit this to yourself.

But you don’t HAVE to play the numbers game. Or ONLY the numbers game.

To be sure, if you want a decent romantic partner, you ARE going to have to talk to a few people.

But instead of seeing each person as a simple “good enough” or “not good enough,” you can see them (or it or whatever) as a LEARNING OPPORTUNITY.

Every job interviewer that DOESN’T hire you can STILL be fantastic way to improve yourself for the next one.

Every girl or guy that rejects you can be a GREAT WAY to improve your approach next time.

So instead of sorting through as many statistical “numbers” as possible. You can have an unlimited amount of experiences from which you can improve yourself.

How?

Every day, take something that DIDN’T go how you wanted it to.

Then reevaluate what you said. Look at some of the language patterns in Covert Hypnosis.

Then figure out how you COULD HAVE done better.

And then do THAT next time.

Do this, and every single “number” will be YOU increasing your skills.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Give Them A Verbal Bong Hit

Make People Feel Wonderful Around You

I remember the first time I was “exposed” to NLP.

Me and a bunch of other guys were sitting in this hotel lounge.

One guy mentioned that he had some kind of problem.

Another guy casually started asking him questions. Slowly and covertly leading him through some kind of NLP conversational “change work” procedure.

For about twenty minutes, all of us (except for the secret NLP master) all were sitting around looking like we’d just taken a MASSIVE bong hit.

This is one of the “effects” you can have when using covert language patterns.

And like any tool, you can use it for good or evil.

The thing was, that while the one “guy” was the “target” for the “procedure,” we all participated vicariously.

Because the “problem” was one that most guys have.

And after that “intervention,” few of us could even remember what the problem was.

Now, this guy (the NLP Wizard) didn’t start by saying, “Hey I’m going to try some language patterns, OK?” He just rolled right into it. Nobody even knew what was going on, before, during or after.

We just kind of all experienced the same “brain fade.”

Only later, after I’d started studying NLP, did I understand what he did.

This was the same guy that would ALWAYS get most of the waitresses in a restaurant hanging around his table whenever they had a chance.

He also found a way to make a TON of money in his part time, so he could spend most of his time “enjoying” other people.

All because of two things.

One is that he assumed that within other people is TREASURE.

Two is he used his language to FIND IT.

Most people don’t think they have treasure inside them. So when somebody comes along, and starts to use these slightly strange sounding language patterns to elicit that treasure, they feel pretty good.

Only like that first time, they have no idea what’s going on.

They just know that when THAT PERSON is around, they feel fantastic.

And of course, whenever they think of THAT PERSON, they feel fantastic.

How do you BECOME that person?

One is to start looking at people differently. Instead of looking at them as objects or obstacles, train your brain to wonder what their treasure is.

Not just the people you think are attractive or whom you think you can make money from.

EVERYBODY.

The next step is to learn these patterns, and use them to dig for their treasure.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Acres of Cornfields

The Essential Skill That Nobody Knows

Why do people talk?

I mean why do us humans use words?

Sure, communication is nice, but why is it necessary?

How did it happen, and why were those who used it able to succeed better than those who weren’t?

I know, silly question.

Giving instructions, listening to stories, all this helped primitive humans a lot more than grunts and sounds.

But here’s an interesting experiment.

Next time you’re in a conversation with your buddies, and you’re just sitting around, go into “observer” mode.

Not for very long. And certainly NOT as an excuse to not participate.

But just to get out of the conversation a bit. Study the structure of the words and sentences that people are using.

See how well people describe their ideas.

It won’t take long to realize that most casual conversations are not really much more than grunts.

Not a lot of well thought out ideas.

This is even more eye opening if you position yourself next to a cute girl in a social setting.

And listen to how the guys hit on her.

Listen to how well (or how poorly) their language is structured.

Again, you’ll be surprised (or maybe not so surprised) how “thrown together” people’s approach at a clear attempt at persuasion.

If you wanted to take this experiment even further, take a walk into some high end retail shops. Car lots. Even a real estate office if you’re brave.

Reverse engineer the structure of their sales presentation.

See how well thought out it is (or isn’t). Most of the time, you’ll find that even the HIGHEST PAID sales people don’t do much more than tell you how AWESOME their product is. Over and over and over. Until you give up and buy.

Most people start a conversation, they have a very VAGUE idea of what they want.

Salespeople want a sale. Pickup artists want to get laid.

But other than that, most people have a half baked idea, they spit out a randomly chosen jumble of words, and hope for the best.

If it doesn’t work, they usually repeat themselves. Maybe swap out a word or two. And hope it works.

The truth about language is that BECAUSE it is hard wired into our brains, that we do it without thinking, we assume we can’t improve on it.

We can’t make it better. We can’t practice like we’d practice the piano or martial arts.

But we can.

You can.

And when you do, when you start to do the daily drills (just like you would for the piano or martial arts) there are few people you will meet throughout your lifetime that will be able to match your skills.

Isn’t that worth a few minutes a day of language practice?

Get Started:
Covert Hypnosis

Secret Social Proof

Has Your Data Been Rigged?

There’s a collection of language patterns called “sleight of mouth” that can pretty much destroy any argument.

Most people are kind of shocked to believe that almost ALL of what we “believe” is true really isn’t.

It’s really only one way of looking at things.

Bottom line is humans a pretty simple creatures. Our minds are hard wired to be very quick, or not very accurate.

One of the many ways this shows up in how we “link” two things out in “reality.”

And unless that linkage is based on exhaustive scientific studies with rigorous double blind testing (something that’s almost NEVER done, btw) we really don’t know for sure.

Since most “studies” are VERY EXPENSIVE, they need to be paid for. And then tend to come out to “verify” whatever the money source wanted to verify.

Anyhow, back to those language patterns. One of them is called the “Model of the World” pattern.

Somebody tells you a limiting belief. Instead of disagreeing with them, or flat out telling them they are wrong (which most people do and only makes them dig in more) you can say, “Hmm, that’s an interesting way of looking at things.”

Then you can conversationally bring up other “interesting ways of looking at things” and let your friend or conversation partner, ON THEIR OWN, realize that there really are MANY models of the world.

However, as humans, this is pretty tough to do on your own.

If you’ve ever seen those goofy hypnotist shows where they convince people there are tiny people in their watch, or the number three has vanished, it’s clear that we are VERY GOOD at ignoring stuff we don’t want to see.

So often times our “models of the world” are really only to protect our egos, or keep us “safe” even though there’s really no danger.

Most people are ruled by fear, but at the same time won’t ever admit they feel ANY fear.

Simply admitting that irrational fear is standing between where you are and what you want makes you feel like you’re destroying your own ego.

When was the last time you heard a friend say, “Well, I’d like to do that but I’m afraid, so I won’t.”

Rarely, if ever.

They usually have some kind of logical sounding reason. Something that makes perfect sense. And keeps them safely in their protective comfort zone.

Of course, you know that the ONLY WAY to get the good stuff in life is to get outside your comfort zone.

And the EASIEST way to do that is to simply admit to yourself that you’re afraid. And then proceed to dismantle that fear, piece by piece.

Get Started:

Fearless

Are You Working Numbers?

Half Baked

Half Baked Thoughts

What makes two people “click”?

You meet somebody, either a friend or potential lover, and everything just kind of “works.”

You be yourself, they be themselves, and everything just works out.

If you’re building a business, meeting somebody like this can be the difference between struggling for years, or suddenly making it big.

Most people think this is simply kind of “numbers game.” And to an extent, it certainly is.

After all, not every single person on Earth is going to be your best friend. Or you lover, or your business partner. If you are intending to meet that person, there is going to be some “sorting” involved.

This requires you know what you want, and you’ll know when you find it.

However, most people lean too heavily on the “numbers game” model.

You walk up, spit out some words that vaguely represent the thoughts in your mind. They hear them, and interpret them based on the thoughts in THEIR mind. Then those thoughts in their mind (caused by your randomly chosen words) are mixed up with the thoughts they had before that.

Then THEY spit out some random words. If everything works out, a conversation ensues. If THAT works out, then maybe you’ll create a relationship.

When most folks approach somebody else, they just “hope” it works.

However, you CAN significantly increase your odds. Instead of just spitting out some words, you can choose them carefully.

Instead of “hoping” that your thoughts are going to hopefully overlap with theirs, you can make it much more likely.

How?

Simply by asking them the right questions, in the right way.

Most people lead with their own desires. You walk over, you break the ice, and then you start with your “pitch.” 

Since most people mostly talk about themselves, the end result is many people aren’t compatible. Which is when that “numbers game” theory comes up.

But by asking the right questions, in the right order, you’ll be STARTING with their wants and needs.

Only then do you start talking about what YOU want.

And when you do that, somebody pretty amazing will happen.

Instead of just hearing about you and what you want, they’ll be hearing that THROUGH the filter of their own wants needs and desires.

Making YOUR wants, needs and desires seem so much better.

Which means you’ll have a lot more success, with a lot more people.

No matter WHAT you want.

Learn How:

One Trick To His Wealth

Word Power

Only Your Words

​I like to watch apocalyptic type movies.

Zombies, end of the world, stuff like that.

Sometimes, though, I get a bit curious (especially if the movie is a bit slow) and start looking stuff up just to see “What if…”

For example, I watched one movie where they were these two neighbors up in the hills. One group was some ultra yuppie type that liked drinking wine and talking about the world’s social problems.

The other group was a bunch of hippies that were cooking meth.

They were both in their respective cabins when the end came. The movie was about how they had to work together to survive. It ended with them happily planting some vegetables in their garden.

Which got me a bit curious. How big of a garden would you need?

As it turns out, in a modern economy, each person requires about an acre per year for enough food.

And in the movie, there were about ten people all working on something MUCH smaller than that.

But then again, movies aren’t known for their scientific accuracy!

I saw an interview with this ultra rich guy. A guy that was born poor, and clawed his way up to wealth. It took most of his life, so he wasn’t some kind of Law of Attraction guy that was promoting any kind of metaphysical magic.

Rather, his was a story of hard work, measured risk, self-belief, and perseverance.

The interviewer asked him what skills he would need if he was dropped into a strange city with only a few dollars to his name.

The MOST IMPORTANT skill, according to him, was the ability to communicate effectively AND persuasively to others.

Even if you had the best idea, it wouldn’t be worth squat unless you could not only communicate your idea to others, but do so in a way where they could see how THEY would benefit if they helped you.

After all, no matter HOW good your ideas are, few people will work with you unless you not only have a strong belief that your ideas will pan out, but that EVERYBODY INVOLVED will benefit in some way.

Which means you have to have an idea, (or several) and you have to have the ability to talk other people into helping you.

If you can do that, you can build anything. 

Get Started:

Have You Started Your Adventure Yet?

What's Buried Under Your Church?

What Do You Have Buried?

​There’s an interesting book called “The Alchemist.” 

About a guy who sets out into the world to discover his riches. He hears about this mysterious science called “Alchemy” where you can turn rocks into gold. 

Everywhere he goes, he hears stories about this mysterious man who can allegedly perform such magic. Through his travels, the hero meets a lot of people, learns all kinds of skills, but eventually comes home empty handed.

Only when he comes home, he finds that underneath the church where he lives, there is lots of gold buried.

Now, the question is, could he have taken a shortcut and just gone straight for the gold?

Or did he have to spend YEARS roaming the world, having adventure after adventure?

Did he need to go through that in order to ready himself to find the gold?

Of course, the gold is a metaphor. The church is also a metaphor.

You have gold, or greatness, inside of you. But can you take a shortcut and find it now, or do you need to go out into the world and have adventure after adventure?

A few people are lucky. They stumble their way to greatness. But are they REALLY lucky?

They finally realize that have what most people only dream about, but they aren’t really happy.

They really have no idea what they did, or how they achieved what they have.

This is why so many movie stars and musicians suffer from various addictions.

Sure, it’s important to “follow your bliss.”

But if ALL you feel is bliss, you won’t have nearly a strong sense of accomplishment.

No matter WHAT you want to achieve with your life, you WILL have to get out into the world and have some adventures.

And you WILL need to accept the idea that many times you WON’T get what you want.

But you WILL be able to turn those experiences into even better ones later, if you are willing to accept ALL feedback during your adventures. NOT just the good stuff.

Most successful entrepreneurs know that it takes a few failed businesses before you hit it big.

Few people meet their dream mates the very first time they talk to an attractive person. Most people realize you’ve got to at least go on a few dates before you find THE ONE (whatever that means to you.).

No matter WHAT you are intending, riches, fame, health, greatness, getting involved with other people is crucial.

Unfortunately, that is the ONE THING that most people would like to avoid.

Which means when you learn how to interact with others in a way that will leave a positive trail of happiness behind you, you’ll have an decided advantage.

Learn More:

Are You Waiting For Magic?

Soul Mate Fallacy

Where My Money?

​We humans are very good at self-deception.

We do this to protect our ego, and it’s easy to see in others.

But in ourselves, it takes a lot of courage to admit we’ve been conning ourselves.

Take the idea of a “soul mate.”

On the one hand, it sounds incredibly romantic. Like we’ve all got this “perfect person” out there somewhere, who is a perfect opposite piece of our emotional jigsaw puzzle. The person that will “complete us.”

And when we meet this person, all the fireworks go off, and we finally feel like we are getting what we “deserve.”

Now, if there really IS some soul mate, how do you know when you find them? Consider this simple mathematical mind experiment. It’s not very fun, but it’s pretty instructive.

If you did have some kind of “soul mate” that was 1 in a million, how in the heck do you find them?

Think of it this way. Let’s say one person out there had a million dollars to give you. But they only knew you were the person if the FIRST words you said to them were, “Where’s my money, honey-bunny?” to them.

If you were in a room of ten people, and you KNEW one of them was “The One” with the million, this would be easy. Saying that silly line to ten people (or less) would not be a problem for most of us.

But what about in a city of 1,000,000 people? Would you walk up to EVERY stranger on the street and say that?

Maybe, maybe not.

The problem with the “soul mate” theory is not only that we ASSUME there’s only ONE person, but also we are somehow going to MAGICALLY be in the right place, at the right time, and somehow come up with the confidence to talk to them.

On the other hand, what if the “soul mate” theory is bunk? What if there are MANY MORE people that COULD be our soul mate? But we have to talk to them for a little bit and find out?

Of course, this doesn’t just work for soul mates. This works for friends, business partners, potential bosses, clients, etc.

The TRUTH about us humans is we are MUCH MORE COMPATIBLE with a much larger percentage of the population than we lead ourselves to believe.

Because believing in the “soul mate” theory removes the RISK and FEAR of needing to talk to so many people.

We can pretend to wait for the “magic” to somehow happen.

But what happens when you realize that YOU can MAKE that magic happen?

That you can learn that talking to people is easy, fun, and usually pretty rewarding.

And that you can also learn to talk to them in a way that you can make that magic happen a LOT more often?

How would you see the world then?

Learn how, and find out: