From a logical standpoint, modern relationships don’t make much sense.
Especially when you hear the same story over and over.
Guy attracts girl. Girl chases guy. Girl tries and succeeds at taming and domesticating guy.
Girl loses interest in guy and finds another guy.
None of these are conscious. A woman would have to be a horrible sociopath to set out to marry a guy just to divorce and ruin him.
In the beginning, she really DOES mean, “till death do us part.”
But in her mind, she subconsciously translates that to “as long as you stay the same, till death do us part.”
Unfortunately, a lot of guys have the habit of losing their edge once they get into a relationship.
Which makes them less attractive.
How can you avoid this?
Don’t lose your edge!
Create the mindset that says it’s the woman’s job to keep YOU in the relationship, not the other way around.
Just holding this mindset will keep you INSANELY attractive to all women.
It’s that ancient caveman desire all girls subconsciously crave.
The ancient hunter gather that is never tied down, because he CAN’T be tied down.
He’s always out looking for the big kill.
If you don’t have any huge goals, get some.
And build them big enough so you’ll not only be chasing them your whole life (as they keep getting bigger and bigger) but that they are ALWAYS bigger and more important than any relationship.
That way, all girls will chase you, and you can choose the best.
Imagine if you lived in a large city, but you only went up and down three big boulevards.
Whenever you thought about going shopping, you’d only think of the stores on those streets.
Whenever you thought of checking out a band or seeing a movie, you’d only imagine what was available on those three streets.
Whenever your imagination drifted to the weekend, and you started to daydream about what you were going to do, it would ONLY cover those three streets.
A goofy example, right?
One of the common things they do in hypnosis training is to get people to forget letters or numbers.
Then they say the alphabet, without the vowels, for example, with a straight face.
Or they count to ten without five, thinking it’s normal.
Everybody watches and giggles.
But it’s really a metaphor for how we live.
Most people are interested in hypnosis so they can hypnotize others, or hypnotize themselves and get rid of some of the junk they’ve been carrying around.
But maybe the BEST thing you can do is to first DE-Hypnotize yourself.
So you can see MORE of the stuff that’s around you.
Because the guy in the three boulevard universe is not so far from the truth.
Most of us go to the same places, do the same things, talk to the same people.
Even about the same topics.
Consider that doing things specifically that you AREN’T comfortable doing can be a useful exercise in de-hypnotizing yourself.
Just going places you’ve never gone, or eating at new restaurants or going to new bars can be helpful.
But what is MOST helpful is to talk to people you’ve never talked to before.
Most of us are VERY closed minded. We tend to hang out with people with similar ideas and beliefs, so we reinforce those similar ideas and beliefs.
Pretty soon we think THOSE IDEAS are all that’s out there.
But there is much more than you could EVER discover.
Of course, you won’t get any ideas from buildings. Concrete can’t talk.
But the people there can.
And you’ll be AMAZED at some of the treasure people have to share.
But they won’t come to you.
You must go to them. When you do, you’ll realize it’s well-worth the journey.
One famous expression or “truism” from NLP is “The map is not the territory.”
What does this mean?
Any map of reality we have is not reality itself.
We perceive the world through a very small window.
We only consciously see one out of every 25,000 bits of information.
If you count all the data hitting all of our senses, that’s how the ratio breaks down.
Our “pre-conscious processor” has to figure out what’s important, and what’s not important.
It also keeps us safe as best it can.
Unfortunately, it follows the “better safe than sorry” strategy.
Which is why we jump at shadows, an unexpected hand on our shoulder, even if the doorbell rings.
It also keeps us oblivious to things that MIGHT be dangerous.
Some things like snakes and vampires are PURE danger. So our pre-conscious processor forces them into our awareness so we an run.
But some things are only dangerous if we INTERACT with them.
So just to play it safe, it doesn’t allow us to even notice them.
Which means that most of us are working with incomplete and distorted maps of reality.
Our maps filter our own fears and biases.
Whenever we describe reality metaphorically, this is also a map.
Like, for example, in the LOA, they say “radiate your desires and the universe will provide them.”
Clearly, this is pretty vague. It sounds cool, but it doesn’t explain exactly HOW to do that.
How does one radiate, anyhow? And where exactly in the VAST UNIVERSE will our “desires” be provided? Somewhere out by Saturn? Jupiter?
I take this to mean by “radiating” we share our desires. We talk about them, plan them, take steps to make them happen. Demonstrate to the world that we are actively building them.
What about the “Universe?” Do we need to build a spaceship to go out and get our stuff?
I take “The Universe” to mean all the other people we interact with.
Unfortunately, if your preconscious processor is keeping you from noticing those same people, (because part of you doesn’t feel totally confident around strangers) you’ll be missing out on a LOT of opportunity.
Luckily, if you shift your mind slightly so you have a more ACCURATE map of reality, life will be a lot more fulfilling.
Regardless of your reason for talking to somebody, rapport is essential.
With a lot of rapport there’s not much else you need to do.
For example, let’s say you’re thinking about buying a computer.
You’ve got a couple in mind, and you want to go see one up close, so you wander down to your local computer shop.
And you are standing there looking at the three computers you’re thinking off, all sitting next to each other.
And up comes a good buddy who you haven’t seen in a while. And he works at the shop.
You forget that you’re shopping for computers, and talk to your buddy and catch up on old times. Maybe you exchange pictures of your kids or something. You find out he lives nearby and turns out you know his wife from back in the day as well. You’re excited, he’s excited.
Then he asks what you’re interested in, computer wise. (He does work there after all.)
You tell him you’re thinking of model A, B or C.
Without even thinking, he says C is the best and he gives you a couple reasons why.
Now, most people would buy C.
This is because you would have MASSIVE rapport with your buddy.
He doesn’t need to use any goofy language patterns, or NLP tricks.
With ENOUGH rapport, all you really need to say is, “C is best,” and then give them a couple reasons.
Unfortunately rapport is one of those things where people hear about it and say, “Oh rapport, yeah, I already know about that stuff. Tell me the super-ninja secret stuff!”
But with enough rapport, you don’t really need the super ninja complicated stuff.
Sure it will help, it will make them feel much better about whatever they are doing, but it’s really just icing on the cake.
There are a lot of ways to develop deep rapport very quickly with strangers.
Match body language, match movements, match rate of speech. Monitor and adjust accordingly. Move and make sure they follow you.
But under all of that external behavior, you HAVE to be relaxed and laid back on the inside.
Creating rapport on the outside, when you are anxious and nervous on the inside is pretty difficult.
In fact, if you are anxious and nervous on the inside, you’ll FORGET to even create rapport. You’ll be too busy trying to memorize all those ninja language patterns.
But if you are relaxed and confident ENOUGH, they will AUTOMATICALLY not only get into rapport with you, but they’ll naturally follow you as well.
I had a buddy once who was going through some tough times.
He was seeing a counselor, and the counselor gave him an interesting homework assignment.
To go to his local playground once a week, for an hour, and just watch the kids play.
He had a note from his doctor, so the cops wouldn’t think he was a predator or anything.
One of his issues is that he was emotionally closed off. And it had ruined his last couple of relationships, and it was affecting his job.
The idea of watching kids play was to help him “model” their behavior.
Usually it’s the other way around. One of our jobs as adults (if we have kids) is to model good behavior that our kids will copy.
But my friend was trying to do the opposite.
He was trying to copy the kids behavior, at least on a subconscious level.
Being able to run around and play without worrying about being judged or told whatever they were expressing was wrong.
If he could be more like that in his real life, he would have a better time expressing himself.
All of us go through dramatic changes as we grow up. Some worse than others.
We pick up tons of baggage, stuff that we instinctively thought was protective at the time.
Unfortunately, our brains tend to generalize a lot.
If you got yelled out in third grade by your angry teacher, a “correct” response would be to decide that your particular teacher, in that particular context (whatever was going on a the time) was a little bit sketchy.
However, our brains don’t work like that. They are lightning fast, but not very accurate.
So the natural conclusion to getting yelled at by an authority figure, as a little kid is that “expressing myself is sometimes dangerous.”
The more we experience events like that, the stronger that belief becomes.
And for some of us, just the idea of asserting ourselves in public is pretty nerve wracking.
Like if a waiter brings the wrong order, some people would have a hard time asking the waiter to fix it.
However, there are plenty of ways to “undo” those unconscious learnings and generalizations.
The more you do, the more socially outgoing and confident you’ll be.
Imagine being able to express yourself anywhere, anytime, and with anybody, and having absolutely zero fear.
You’d make more money and have much better relationships.
There’re basically three things humans do when we get together.
This is just as true now as it was back in the stone age.
We fight, we trade or we have sex.
And you can think of sex and trade as really part of the same thing.
In fact, all human relationships are based on trade.
Most of the time, it’s subconscious.
You act naturally, and the person you’re with (buddy or lover) acts naturally.
But if you are both satisfying each other’s needs, that’s when you “hit it off.”
Sometimes it’s partially conscious, partially unconscious.
Colleagues, clients, and other times we interact with people and are on some level trying to “behave a certain way.”
To the extent you can interact with a wide variety of people in a wide variety of ways, you’ll make a lot of friends and make a lot of money.
Unfortunately, for most of us, it takes a long time to “warm up” to somebody.
And just as unfortunately, many of those opportunities don’t give us as much time as we’d like to “warm up enough” to take advantage of those opportunities.
Like that job interview that didn’t go so well, yet the more you think about it, the more things you realize you COULD have said.
Or that cute person you saw, WANTED to talk to, but they left before you got a chance.
Any wonder why there’s that section on Craigslist?
The truth is that no human on Earth is satisfied with their interpersonal skills.
This doesn’t mean that we all suck.
It means that there’s no upper limit to your social skills.
Every single person you talk to will be different, and you’ll need slightly different skills.
Even the same people you talk to over and over are slightly different every time.
No matter WHAT your goals are in life, (even if you’re main goal is to get some goals) they’ll be much easier with more people skills.
They’re the grease that makes society function.
And the better you can slip in and out of conversations with different people, the more success you’ll have.
Instructions: Visualize being able to easily convince anybody to do anything. Listen with eyes closed while visualizing ideal outcome. Best used with techniques in Natural Influence. Use ethically and legally. Do not listen while driving.
I used to play a lot of racquetball a few years ago.
There as a gym that had a “challenge court” with a glass back wall.
You’d write your name on a list, and play whoever won the current game.
The most I ever won in one night was three games in a row. Meaning I beat the next two guys that had “next.”
One particular game (that I lost) was memorable. I was very young, in my early twenties.
The guy I was playing was older, in his sixties. And he absolutely killed me.
I would run all over the place, and try to make a “kill shot” with pretty much every shot.
But he took his time, and used “placement” as his weapon. He would pretty much stay in the center of the court, and hit the ball so it would bounce all over the place, and end up EXACTLY where he wanted.
I would run around chasing them like a dumb jackrabbit on meth.
I was only thinking ONE SHOT ahead (kill shot), while he was content to just keep rallying until I eventually couldn’t catch up.
I did score a couple points, but in the end, it wasn’t even close. At the end, he summed it up nicely:
“Youth and speed vs. experience and patience.”
Many people try to speak conversationally like I tried playing. Slam the other person with witty remarks, genius openers, and reframes that ostensibly show how awesome they are. Or think they are.
If you’ve ever been overwhelmed by a high-pressure salesperson, you know what I mean.
They don’t pause even for a second to find out what’s important, or what you want, or what you’re even interested in. They just slam you over and over with “kill shot” statements about themselves, their product or their services.
On the other hand, if the “patient” approach, it works a lot better.
Hold back on the conversational “kill shots.”
Ask them what’s important. Ask them what kinds of things they’re interested in, and NOT interested in.
Find out about what they’d like to be doing in the future. A week, a year, ten years.
All without mentioning your ideas or your products AT ALL.
Just relax, and let them come to you, in their own way, in their own time.
When they do, it will be THEIR IDEA. Not yours.
Which means they’ll be very little (if any) resistance.
Doesn’t matter if you’re making friends, looking for business partners, or talking to strangers while waiting in line at the supermarket.
This will open them up, so they see YOU through THEIR desires.
Making YOU seem much more DESIERABLE than anybody else they’ve ever met.
If you’ve even watched “romantic” movies, or movies that have a romantic theme to them, there’s a common thread.
And that is two people meet each other, and they “get” each other.
They feel that nobody understands them like their new partner does.
People use the same term to talk about non-Hollywood style movies.
They say that people who don’t appreciate them don’t “get” them.
It reminds me of those 3-D pictures. Where you have to look at them in a special way to “get” them.
If you “get” them, you see the hidden picture. If you don’t “get” them, then it’s a bunch of fuzzy noise.
If you tell a joke, and somebody doesn’t laugh, they don’t “get” it.
What does it mean when two people meet, and they really “get” each other?
Do they share common backgrounds? Common beliefs? Common goals? Or is it something deeper, something more profound?
One way to enhance this is by talking about things other than what they call “fluff talk.”
Talking about the weather, politics, sports, who’s hot on social media, doesn’t really let you know if you “get” somebody or not.
What does?
This is what happens when you go “meta.” When you talk about experiences, in the abstract. When you talk about the structure of your own desires.
For example, say you learned how to play a song on the guitar. You practiced over and over, and wanted to show off to your friends.
Then when you finally played, they didn’t act like it was a big deal. So you felt a little let down.
You can share that experience with somebody, so they “get” you, without them having to have played any instrument.
Just find some situation where they did the same thing, from a structural standpoint.
Find some experience where they wanted to share something with their friends, that they thought was pretty cool, but ended up being a little under-whelming.
So even though the two of you have two “different” experiences, (content wise) they are the same, structure wise.
When you can find similar structures, you can significantly increase the chances you’ll “get” each other.
And when they think about you, they’ll feel that YOU are somebody that KNOWS them on a deep level, and they’ll feel they know YOU on a deep level.
Doesn’t matter if you’re making friends, looking for dates, or trying to get a foot in the door in a job interview.
By looking for overlapping STRUCTURES rather than content, you’ll connect on a much deeper level.
