Category Archives: Conversational Skills

Generate Overlapping Interests Between Conversational Partners

Overlap Their Desires With Yours

Pretty much everything can be thought of as a mix of two extremes.

Like sweet or salty. I like salty food more often than not.

But once in while I like to eat something sweet. Too much and it’s not good any more.

In NLP there are all kinds of “Meta Programs” that are these filters through which we see the world.

And like everything else, they can be thought of in “extremes” but most of us have a mix.

Like you can be motivated to move away from fear, or toward pleasure.

If you are too much of one, it will cause trouble.

Most of us are maybe 1/3 of the way from either end.

Another thing is how people make decisions.

One the hand, there are people that simply cannot decide unless somebody tells them exactly what to do.

On the other hand, there are people that absolutely NEED to be the decision maker in every single situation.

Clearly, both are kind of lame.

But most of us are a mix of both, usually more one than the other.

If you are interested in self development, taking an active role in improving your life, or have even thought about doing things differently, then chances are you are more “internally motivated” than “externally motivated.”

Meaning you’re likely more of a self starter than somebody who needs to have somebody tell you what to do 24-7.

It’s good to know what these filters are if you ever need to persuade anybody.

Andy whenever you talk to anybody about anything, there’s usually some persuasion going on.

Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little.

Now, you could spend a lot of time reverse engineering somebody’s “meta models” until you have them wired down completely.

Then you could present your ideas to them to fit into their “model of the world.”

There are consulting companies that make lots of money doing this for clients and employees.

But there is a MUCH easier way.

Just ask.

I know, simple, right?

But if you ask people what they want, (which most people NEVER do), they’ll usually be happy to tell you.

Then just figure out a way to present your idea so that it matches what they want.

This is MUCH easier than most people think.

Why?

Because most people think in very vague terms. Few are walking around with a specific idea of what they want.

Then you take THEIR vague desires, and match them with yours (vague or specific, it really doesn’t matter) by using the SPECFICALLY VAGUE language patterns of covert hypnosis.

This is ESPECIALLY easy when you’re using these patterns on people you already know. Even just casually.

Because you already sort of “know” what makes them tick. What they want. What makes them happy.

So when you talk to them using these patterns, YOUR ideas will seem like THEIR ideas.

Which means no matter WHAT they reference (internal or external) it will make perfect sense.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Trash Can Man In Your Brain

The Uber Skill

I’ve done a lot of moving in my life.

Various places in college, various jobs, cities, countries, etc.

And there’s always one question that needs to be addressed every single time I move.

What to keep, and what to throw out.

Now, some moves are close enough so I just hire a couple guys to come by in a truck.

They take everything out of the old place, throw it in the back of the truck, and then unload it in the new place.

Not a lot of thinking required.

Other times, when I’ve got to do the moving myself, I have to think long and hard about some of my stuff.

Do I really need it, or is it junk?

One time I found myself living in an apartment that didn’t have a big dumpster outside.

So I had to carry my junk at night, down the street, and pitch it in the dumpster behind the supermarket.

If you do this enough, you find that you can really streamline your life.

There’re even experts that will help you do this, even if you’re not moving.

Ideas in your head can act the same way.

Some of it’s junk, and some of it’s gold.

Of course, you can’t tell if you don’t take a good look. Which most people are afraid to do.

Skills, however are always pure gold.

Sure, you may waste TIME learning a skill, but once you’ve got the skill, you never know when it will come in handy.

There’s a theory that since all of us are tied into to the super-conscious, (via the subconscious) no matter WHAT skill we are learning, there’s always a reason.

You might not understand why now, but in five years, you’ll be in a situation and you’ll suddenly remember you’ve got THAT skill (that you didn’t really know WHY you learned in the first place) and you’ll be golden.

So there’s really never a good argument to NOT learn new skills. Sure, some particular skills like juggling chainsaws might not be a good idea.

But other skills will DEFINITELY help you.

One of these is how well you communicate. Your ability to not only get those ideas out of your head clearly and succinctly, but to persuade others of their value, is absolutely crucial.

Well, not really CRUCIAL. But without them you’ll always be dependent on others.

But when you take the time to develop communication skills, you will have a lot more options, a lot more resources, and will be much less likely to ever get “stuck.”

Most people spend their time wondering “if.” Or they spend their time “hoping.”

I hope she likes me. I hope they hire me. I hope I don’t get fired.

But when you learn POWERFUL communication skills, you will not need to rely on OTHERS.

Instead of “hoping” for situations to go your way, you can carefully ENGINEER them to go your way.

How?

Here’s How:

Covert Hypnosis

What Do You Assume?

How To Make Others Feel Good Around You

Once I was walking around downtown. I saw this poster for a movie.

It had an actor who’s been in a lot of other movies I’ve watched and enjoyed.

So without knowing anything about the movie, I bought a ticket.

As I was sitting there in the theater, my big bucket of popcorn on my lap, the lights dimmed.

So excited. One of my favorite actors.

In a movie I knew nothing about.

Now, when I watch a movie, I always buy popcorn. But I don’t start eating until the movie actually starts.

Kind of a “delayed gratification” trick I play on myself.

So as the lights dimmed, I waited for the first scene to start shoveling popcorn in my mouth and…

…they started singing.

WTF?

Turned out it was a musical. Not my favorite type of movie.

Another time I was in Taiwan. There had just been a movie released called “Red Eye,” some thriller movie that took place aboard a plane.

I saw the title at my local theater. Same story. Bough the popcorn, waited for the lights to dim.

And….

…it was a Korean movie called “Red Eye.” Some sort of horror. No idea what it was about since it was in Korean with Taiwanese subtitles.

This is what happens when we make assumptions.

Most of the time they are true. But when we’re wrong, it can be funny, like in those movies, or you can upset people, or embarrass yourself.

But there ARE some assumptions that most people may disagree with that people will be GLAD to accept.

Within the Covert Hypnosis training course, there’re these things called “Linguistic Presuppositions.”

They are sentence structures that PRESUPPOSE things to be true, in order to make sense of and respond to the sentence.

When we use this naturally, it’s when we’re trying to unconsciously assert something that we really don’t want questioned.

Usually this is some kind of insult, or some form of “I’m right and you’re wrong” type of thing.

Like when you’re arguing with your friend, and you think they’re being dense, because they won’t accept your argument.

You don’t come right out and say, “Since you don’t accept my argument, you are being dense.” Because they could argue with that.

Instead, we tend to say things like, “Why are you being so dense?” Which is a question that PRESUPPOSES the density if your friend.

When you start to use these consciously, you can use them much more effectively. Not to make other people feel bad or stupid, but to make them feel really good.

You can start to “Presuppose” good things about them. Good things about their ideas. Good things about their future.

What effect will this have?

They’ll start to feel really good about themselves. But since you’re covertly hiding these “compliments” in the middle of a complex sentence structure, they won’t really know why.

All they’ll know is that around you, they feel pretty good.

Think you can use this to your benefit?

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Pushy Boy

How To Avoid Pushy Persuasion

Most people hate to be micro-managed.

Meaning that your boss (or husband or wife) is standing right over your shoulder.

Telling you exactly what to do and exactly how to do it.

Humans are hard wired to have a strong need to feel in control.

Only when WE decide WE want somebody else to tell us what to do, is it OK.

This is why unasked for advice is almost always taken the wrong way.

There you are merrily going along, and some goof comes and tries to tell you what to do.

Think about what this means. They think they know MORE about the situation than you do.

Which may be true, but part of being human is discovering and learning on our own, instead of having some busybody sticking their nose in our business.

Which is why most of us absolutely HATE salespeople.

They are pushy, obnoxious and are always telling us THEIR reasons why we should do things.

If they are being sneaky, they might use some manipulation tactics. You want to buy something for $200. They try and sell you something for $500. They push it really hard. Finally, you “win” and buy the one in the middle for “only” $300.

Lucky you!

Most people are so turned off by these ultra pushy and manipulative sales people that they’d never DREAM of working in sales, despite the ENORMOUS amount of money you can make with very little education.

However, even if you aren’t in sales, you ARE going to have to persuade people.

You might persuade that girl or guy to date you.

Or that boss to hire you instead of the fifty other candidates.

Or your wife or husband to watch and action movie instead of a romance.

The truth is that it’s very difficult to squeeze through life without having some kind of persuasion skills.

Luckily, you don’t have to be pushy, or manipulative, or sleazy.

You can use THEIR ideas to help them understand YOUR point of view.

And when they finally agree to do what you want them to, it will be THEIR idea.

They won’t feel conned, they won’t feel tricked, and they won’t feel suckered.

They probably won’t even realize you “helped” them come to a decision.

And they’ll start to associate YOU with their decisions to get what they want.

Which can help out in a lot of ways.

To be sure, doing this is a skill, and it takes practice.

There’s no magic words or shortcuts.

But it is a skill that few people know exist, let alone know how to use effectively.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Mother Nature Always Wins - She Is Persistent

Become A Social Super Hero

I had this friend that was into making jewelry.

She would buy these rocks, and put them in this tumbler.

(not the blog, and actual tumbler).

And had a really rough surface on the inside. The rock would go in, tumble around for a couple days, and come out smooth.

Kind of like how ocean waves relentlessly pound rocks into sand, only a lot quicker.

It’s also why rocks at the bottom of streams are smooth, while rocks out in the wind are rough.

The thing about Nature is she is relentless. She never gives up. She always wins.

There’s an ancient Chinese Proverb that says, “If you wait by the river long enough, you can see the bodies of your enemies floating by.”

Which means patience, above all, will win. If you are rash, and take action, you may win, but you may end up biting off more than you can chew.

I know, we only have one life, right? We don’t have eons of time to slowly wear down our rough spots into smooth edges.

But think about this. What if you started FIVE YEARS ago, doing some kind of skill improvement, for ONLY ten minutes a day.

What kind of skills would you have now?

What if you start now, what will you be like a year from now?

One of the paradoxes of human life is we don’t want to do things unless we are GUARANTEED to see an IMMEDIATE result.

Nobody buys books on how to get rich slowly, or lose one pound a week for two years.

We keep trying these goofy plans time after time, and NEVER get anywhere.

Meanwhile, those slow and steady tortoises are kicking our ass!

Here’s one way you can DRAMATICALLY improve yourself over the next year.

There’s a whole section in the Covert Hypnosis book on practice drills.

Where you take each pattern, and write out a bunch of examples.

A fantastic way to do that, while boosting your own self confidence and social skills at the same time, is take those exercises and write to yourself.

Instead of some imaginary person sitting in front of you that you are selling to or trying to seduce, write the patterns to yourself.

And use the patterns to persuade yourself that you are ultra confident. Super intelligent. Powerfully attractive. Socially outgoing. Massive self esteem.

If you do that, not only will you become a ninja with the patterns, but you’ll also SLOWLY transform yourself into a social skills super hero.

Able to sell anything to anybody, and sweep anybody off their feet.

Get Started:

Covert Hypnosis

Animal Magnetism

Generate Attractive Magnetism

One way to become an incredibly compelling speaker is to create something called “response potential.”

Most people, when they stories, or jokes, are in a hurry to finish.

Then when they finish, they look around, usually hoping for approval.

Sure, if they’ve got a good story, or something interesting happened, this can work.

But it’s HIGHLY content dependent.

Like if you were walking to the dry cleaners and you saw a bank robbery, you wouldn’t have to do much to be the center of attention.

“Hey, I saw a bank robbery this morning!” Would be all you needed to say. And everybody would be DYING to hear more.

Most people are always on the lookout for CONTENT. They even think that because they don’t have good CONTENT, then they can’t be a good conversationalist.

“I never have anything to talk about.”

But the GOOD NEWS is while people like content on a conscious level, we are DRAWN to structure on a subconscious level.

Meaning if you tell a story with good structure, you don’t need decent content.

What kind of structure?

Pause in the middle of sentences, where they don’t usually belong. Where people will SUBCONSCIOUSLY want to hear you “finish the thought.”

Break your stories up, get just up to the climax of one story, and start telling another one.

This is why world famous comedians can tell stories about waiting in line at the supermarket and get paid millions of dollars.

It’s not the CONTENT of their stories, it’s the STRUCTURE.

So long as your stories and anecdotes have an emotionally compelling theme, you’ll be fine.

But the BIGGEST ingredient of telling a compelling story, and holding roomfuls of people in the palm of your hand is having a strong frame.

If you have even a basic story, like when you couldn’t find your shoes this morning, but tell it in a good structure AND with a strong frame, people will think you are incredibly charismatic.

What is a strong frame? It’s the meaning you put on the interaction. Of you telling that story.

If your frame is “I hope they don’t interrupt me and I hope somebody laughs,” then you won’t do so well.

But if your frame is “This is the funniest thing in the world, and I’m going to enjoy talking about it,” then YOUR frame will override everybody else’s frame.

This takes practice. It’s not some easy mental switch you can flip and call it good.

It is a skill. And like any other skill, the more you practice, the better you’ll get.

But most people don’t even know this skill exists, let alone how to practice it.

But you do.

Get Started:

Frame Control

Frame Control Secrets

Powerful Mental Skills

When I was younger, I used to do a lot of backpacking.

It kind of forced you to be very careful when choosing what to bring.

Some things were AWESOME to have with you, but they were heavy.

So you had to spend a lot of time choosing.

Since you’re carrying all your stuff on your back for a week or so, you want to make sure it’s not weighing you down.

Once I had to take my then girlfriend to the airport. I showed up at her house and she had three HUGE bags.

Clearly, everything has its advantages and disadvantages.

This goes with pretty much everything.

Even the basics of human biology has costs. Sure, it’s great to get energy from food. But finding it can suck, especially if you’re a caveman. And you’re being chased by a tiger and you have to stop use the caveman toilet, it’s not so convenient.

In economics they have something called an “opportunity cost.” Which means whenever you decide to do something, you’re subconsciously choosing to NOT do a bunch of other things.

You can go out and hang with your friends, but you might miss out on some amazing TV shows!

You could agree to an exclusive relationship with that girl or guy you’ve been seeing, but that means that EVERYBODY else on earth is off limits.

You could buy that cheeseburger for $2, but that means you’re also deciding that everything else on earth that’s also $2 is not what you want.

Of course, when you’re eating that delicious cheeseburger, you’re not focusing on what you DON’T have, you’re focusing on what you DO have.

If our brains weren’t pretty good at this, we’d NEVER be able to decide anything.

Then again, a lot of times we over think things. Instead of focusing on a positive outcome, or even a likely outcome, we allow our caveman brains to come up with the WORST outcome, and then use THAT, however UNLIKELY it is, to define our actions.

That’s the problem with having such quick thinking brains. Sure, they help us decide lickity-split, but we can also send ourselves on horrible mental loops.

Being able to manage your own brain, and manage the thoughts you think and HOLD is a POWERFUL skill to have.

For example, what if you were to imagine the BEST POSSIBLE outcome when you were considering doing ANYTHING, and you had the skill to ONLY think about THAT? Would that make taking action a lot easier?

Of course it would!

This is the power of holding a frame. Of not being knocked off balance by reality, other people, or even your inner caveman (or cavewoman).

It IS a skill, which means you MUST practice.

But when you do, you’ll be pretty pleased with yourself.

Get Started:

Frame Control

Memorizing Lines?

Are You Memorizing Lines?

A long time ago I took this improv acting class.

Somebody recommended it to me, and I thought it was about telling jokes.

But it was about something much, much deeper.

Most of us think of improv as comedy. Guy up on stage telling a bunch of random stories.

Even that isn’t really improv. The reason it sounds so natural is those comedians spend plenty of time coming up all kinds of jokes on all kinds of topics.

So no matter what idea or topic comes up, they’ve got a ready stream of prepackaged jokes and stories to roll with.

Kind of like studying all kinds of martial arts moves. The more moves you know, and can reproduce unconsciously, the better you’ll be able to fight. No matter WHAT your opponent throws at you, you’ll be able to come up with an appropriate counter move.

In that improv class we did a lot of “trust” exercises. A lot of stuff where we had to make up stuff on the spot, and “trust” our acting partners not to leave us hanging.

If you are up on stage, and you mess up, and all the other actors just stare at you like you’re some goof, it’s not a good situation.

On the other hand, if ALL actors are practiced in the “art” of responding congruently to ANYTHING that comes up, you can put on a pretty good show.

One that is organic and evolving and nobody, even the actors, know what’s going to happen next.

It’s almost like some “story” floats down from the heavens and the actors simply “hear” their lines microseconds before they speak them.

Some actors are TERRIFIED of doing improv, especially in front of strangers. They would much rather have somebody else write their lines, have somebody else tell them where to stand when they say them, and even HOW to say them.

Even then they feel the need to practice over and over until they are SURE everything will go according to plan.

Unfortunately, a lot of people live their lives according to the “classically trained actor” strategy instead of the “improv actor” strategy.

They want to be told what to do, how to do it, what to happen if X, Y and Z occurs, and they need an entire support crew so that if something goes wrong, nobody will ever blame anybody.

However, with most people on Earth acting like that (lol), is it any wonder most people live lives that can be called “quiet desperation”?

The secret is to go boldly out into your future. Take action, even when you aren’t sure what’s going to happen. Just believe in yourself enough to know what to do.

Scary? Yes. Guaranteed success? Nope.

But you’ll see and experience a world few know exist.

Get Started:

Fearless

Slip Right In

Slowly Or All At Once?

I was playing golf a long while ago.

I was sitting in the cart, waiting for my friend to t-off.

I looked up, and written on the ceiling of the cart was this:

“This is why your game sucks. You can’t keep your head down!”

I thought that was pretty funny. Because you have to look up to see that writing.

One of the reasons people can’t “keep their head down” in golf is they want to look up before they are done swinging.

For most people, it’s because they are worried about messing up, so they can’t wait to check.

Kind of like in school, after a difficult test, when the teacher hands them back face down.

You turn them over slowly, thinking that maybe if you “sneak up” on your score, it won’t be so bad.

Some people, when they start conversations with new people, are very hesitant.

Even their movements are jerky. If you could imagine the other person’s “frame” and your “frame” it’s like you sort of “bounce off” their frame a few times before entering, because of the fear of what may happen.

Kind of like jumping into a swimming pool. Some people jump right in. Others take their sweet time.

Those that jump right in get acclimated much quicker. Those that take their sweet time take about a minute with every inch they further submerse themselves.

Then there are those that neither jump or go slowly. They walk right in. They don’t make a big splash, but they don’t standing their with their hands out above the water acting like they are walking into a pool of carbonite.

They walk in, get about to waist or chest level, take a deep breath and purposely submerse their body.

They don’t fear the cold, they embrace it.

Imagine walking up to another person like that.

Some people go timidly, back and forth, taking forever to break the ice.

Others do the opposite. They walk up with some extremely blatant “line” that supposedly makes them stand out as super alpha.

Then there are those that just walk up and start talking. Completely open, and relaxed.

Which works the best?

Imagine you’re the person being talked to. Which do you prefer? Some super timid person? Some super aggressive alpha-type that needs to blow all resistance out of the water?

Or somebody that just walks up and starts talking?

And not just “talking” but “communicating.” Back and forth. Interactive. Not passive, and not aggressive.

How would that feel?

Pretty good.

How do YOU be that person?

Here’s How:

Fearless

False Fears

Going Swimming With Snakes?

Imagine going on a diet.

You read a couple of books and came up with a plan.

You went shopping and carefully bought the right foods.

So you knew that when you ate the right things, in the right amounts, it would be physically impossible to not lose weight.

Only when you ate your food, you didn’t do it at home.

You ate it at the food court in the mall. Or at your favorite restaurant.

Surrounded by friends who were chowing down like no tomorrow.

Could you do it?

I know I couldn’t!

This is the problem with a lot of our instincts. When they are fired up, it’s pretty impossible to ignore them.

That’s why humans have survived all these years.

If our instincts were super easy to ignore (meaning that losing weight was super easy and didn’t require a lot of willpower) then we would have died out a long time ago.

There’s even a few disease that somehow “turn off” the eating instinct.

They don’t feel compelled to eat, so they don’t. And they starve to death. Or they would without medical intervention.

Quickly pulling back from pain is another instinct. Yet there are a few unlucky people who don’t feel pain. Which means they can get an infection, and die before they know something’s wrong.

One of the drawbacks to our instincts is that societies evolve MUCH FASTER than our instincts do.

It’s like we’ve got this caveman brain that still thinks we need to chase after food, and eat as much as we can whenever we see some.

This is one of the primary causes of “self sabotage,” the mis-match between our conscious desires, chosen by living rationally in a modern society, and our primitive instincts.

Social fear is a prime example of this.

You want to walk over there and start a conversation, but your caveman brain thinks you’re about to go wrestle a dinosaur or something.

You’d like to give a speech, but you feel like you’re about to jump into a pit of piranhas.

You want to pitch an idea to your boss, one you’re sure will make you a lot of money, but you feel like you’re sticking your head in a tiger’s mouth.

Now, some say you should “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Some say the only way is to FORCE yourself through those situations.

Sure, that will work. But it takes a LOT of willpower, and some very uncomfortable feelings.

Or you could use some mental techniques.

Practice doing it while FORCING your brain to think good thoughts.

Re-Training that ancient part of you that thinks there’s danger behind every shadow.

When you do that, you’ll notice how much easier life becomes.

Get Started:

Fearless